Poor Tsonga

He just got his ass handed to him.
Something is wrong with him I think. Because he's a better player than that. Maybe he would like me to console him. I am very good at consoling handsome professional athletes. In fact, that may be why God put me on this earth. Tsonga, if you google "poor Tsonga" and find this? Leave a comment with your email or phone number and let's get together. I can do backbends. I'm very cuddly. I'm not a good singer, so I can't sing for you. But, anyway, I'm here for you, man. We could watch the final together and drink if you're into that. Or if not, I can watch the final and drink and you can come over after that, because that is what I am going to do. Then I'll do my backbend for you.

Also, I am 539 in my raquet bracket. That is better than 3000 and something. So, yeah. But it still sucks. Once, Rick Rock was number 6. He got a black T shirt that said Tennis Channel down the sleeves. I am still very envious that he was number 6 and won something because I LOVE TENNIS MORE THAN HIM!!!!!! He loves tennis, too. I know. But I'm just saying.
Sigh.

Yours Truly,
Paula

This Just In

In case you hadn't heard, there are Chinese women playing tennis. They are from China which is sort of still a Communist country. These Chinese women have coaches from all over the world and when they are in China they train together but they do not playing against one another because they are Chinese. Those Chinese women have funny names because their first name is their last name is their first name and oh ho ho isn't it strange, the way of The Orient. So, to recap, there are Chinese women playing tennis and going deep in the draw. They are from China. In case you hadn't heard.

That's Why She is The Best

Venus is clearly having some kind of existential crisis about tennis. She's still good enough to make a good run at a tournament but her heart is simply not in it anymore. I can't believe she lost to Na Li. Serena, on the other hand, is a killer and she has clearly invested a lot of time into working on her shot placement and her net game. I wish she could get healthy but she runs so hard on the court I'm not surprised her body is taped like mummy.

The Azarenka Williams match had me confused for a while until I realized Serena simply wanted to challenge herself a bit in preparation for the coming rounds. I find Azarenka a bit annoying. She is so petulant and whiny on the court with her little tantrums. If you're going to act out, go big. The petty displays of frustration are boring.

The third set was one of those sets that demonstrates the brilliance of Serena's game. My throat hurts from yelling so much. To see how her game has evolved over the past several years makes me tingle. The ridiculous commentators (my hatred of whom deserves a post of its own), always used to criticize the Williams sisters for being all power and no finesse. You don't hear them talking that shit anymore.In the third set though, Serena put on a goddamned clinic with those winners on Azarenka's serve and she exuded such confidence. She had second serve aces which you rarely see. Serena confused the hell out of her child opponent. Azarenka, toward the end of the set, could only shrug and smile because she knew that even though she had played quite well, she was outclassed when Serena decided to start playing well. I respect Serena's game. I respect it a whole lot. And I love her unconditionally. I don't know why but I just like everything about her on and off the court. So many of these players demonstrate so little personality. They bore me. Say what you will about Serena, but she is always always interesting.

Wow - Na Li beat Venus Williams?!?

RR here -

Oh wow I didn't think Na Li would win that. Dang. She played pretty good I guess. Sorrry, I'm a little sleepy. They zoomed in on Na Li's tattoo but we had it on mute - I couldn't tell what it was? Is it Papa Smurf? That was my best guess. Hello Kitty has an evil version, I forget the evil one's name. Just like Hello Kitty except like, all black, and evil. Anyway that's Japanese stuff, I doubt it was even the evil Hello Kitty. Na Li is Chinese, I know that, and probably not into Hello Kitty or any of the members of the Hello Kitty Pantheon. I don't know what it was? Hey Internet, what's Na Li's tattoo? The Internet knows everything....

Still, a decent upset, I feel bad for Venus, but nice to see Na Li, who people generally don't consider a real threat, having a bit of a breakthrough. And Zheng too! Pammy and Carillo talking, and one said "it's the first time to Chinese players are in the semis of a grand slam", and the other said, "I don't think it will be the last!" I forget which. As readers of this blog know, we believe that Mary Carillo is generally drunk. By the way - not a criticism, just an observation. But someone said, Pammy is the real drunk. Well, if so, I say, at least she can hold her liquor. Or something like that.

Now we are watching Azarenka and Serena. I am not fond of Azarenka, despite having many Belorussian friends (for real) and having spent thousands of hours driving a Belorussian tractor as a kid on my Dad's farm. Or maybe that's why I don't like her? No, it's the hollering and the general bad vibes. She seems to have imbibed the Bolliteri kool-aid, be a competitor first, human being a distant second. OK, probably not fair - what the hell do I know? Nothing. But - SHUT UP! I am just annoyed listening to her.

Let me say a couple of quick things about my Racket Bracket - I suck. Hi, I had Soderling in the men's final! And, I had Leni winning the ladies! Oops. I can't even look anymore...

Signing out - RR

Nadal Retires

Well, I do have in my raquet bracket a Murray/Federer final. But Nadal is my dream boyfriend and favorite in the top ten.

Look how hard he tried to play it out. What a man. He tried, but he doesn't want to really hurt himself....I love him.

Andy played well. I have him losing to the Fed, but it would be exciting if he won it,too. And at this point, my raquet bracket is so screwed I don't really care.

Aaaaaaaaah. Tennis. That said, I stayed up waaaay too late watching tennis last night and facebook chatting with this really cute old friend of mine who lives in LA and so for him, it was three hours earlier. Tonight, NO facebook chatting with cute boys! And staying up late watching tennis! NO no no.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Update: My Raquet Bracket Standings

Hi People. I am number 1710 in the WTA standings. I have Serena winning against Henin in the final. Perhaps when that happens, my standing will rise. Not sure. I did really crappy in the early rounds.

I am number 3149, I think, I'm not completely sure, in the ATP standings, as I cannot read my own handwriting precisely and I wrote down my standings on a piece of paper. The guy who is number one right now had 75 comments on his entry. He has Davydenko winning the whole thing, Roddick beating Nadal...some risky picks. He may be going down. I will say I'm super impressed with how well he called the early rounds. He should hang out with me. We could hang out and talk tennis. And watch tennis!

The Serena match was quick. It was not that thrilling- too bad. Stosur can play better than that. And now I am watching Federer demolish Hewitt. Again, not exciting. Oh well. Maybe later there will be some excitement.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Mary Carillo Is Drunk

Now, I had this short discussion once on facebook about Carillo being drunk and this other person claimed that Pam Shriver was the real drunk. But here are three drunken things that have transpired in the past hour of watching Venus and Schiavone- one, Mary said, "Another break!" when Venus held. There was no break. And then, "two points away from the quarterfinals!", and then, "I mean two games." And then- just called Verdasco Gonzalez. It's a little quiet in the booth now. Mary Jo is trying to keep it together and professional. But!-- it's hard with Mary in the booth.

Here's the deal- drinking and watching sports is fucking fun. But I wish we could be honest and not pretend about professionals and shit. I wish Mary was like, "haha, I'm so wasted", and then like, chest bump Mary Jo. Then, we'd watch them wrastle and Carillo's lesbian tendencies would get the better of her and she'd pin down Mary Jo and like, lick her face. That would be good tennis commentary. It would be more honest.

Oh, and I just found this on pophangover. Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks she likes the ladies and that she's - insane. I just watched that whole video and - I am at a loss of words. WTF?

Also found on pophangover, some pretty pictures of tennis players. Check it out.

The Italian Stallion, Schiavone, is losing. I'm sort of sad. I love how Italian she is, and how dykey. Let's give her this- she made a good match of it. So good for her.

Yours Truly,
Paula

I Am Watching Tennis and Blowing My Nose

HELLO! I have a sinus infection. But! There is tennis. And after tennis, there will be football. And after football, there will be more tennis. Then I will sleep. Then I will wake and watch- more tennis! And then- well, I'll blow my nose a lot. Maybe get some acupuncture for my sinus. The shit really works, I swear to you.

Some observations. I like the Kuzerator more than Petrova so Petrova's win over her made me sad. That said, I liked Petrova's pinkish Ellesse dress, or however you spell it. The Kimmy loss to Petrova was - well- I didn't understand it. It was like I was underwater and couldn't see what was going on. It was like a different universe and suddenly tennis players were Martians and the whole world was foreign and made no sense.

Right now, I'm watching Cilic and Delpo. Two tall men. I have nothing against Cilic, but Delpo is Argentine and as everyone knows, I love Argentina. That said, this match feels a little low energy. But maybe it's my fault as my brain is moving toward football.

Yours Truly,
Paula

I Am Watching the Australian Open

I've been watching lots of tennis and not blogging enough. I feel badly about that. Right now, I'm watching Tommy Haas play Tsonga. Here are some observations: Tommy Haas, so far, is not behaving like a raving anal retentive German princess. Usually, that is how he behaves. Frankly, he looks like he might be on Ativan. I love Ativan. Or Benadryl. Maybe he is on benadryl. Even though Benadryl is for allergies, it does get you nice and stoned and therefore, sometimes I take it even if my allergies aren't acting up. Also? Evertime the announcers says "Hisense Arena" I think they say "Hi Serena" and are talking about Serena Williams. That is not the case. They are not saying hi to Serena. They are saying "Hisense Arena" which is a the name of a tennis stadium.

I'm watching Haas getting rubbed down. He's lying down on the tennis court and this man, the physio, has one hand on Haas's fine, round, muscular ass. The other hand is rubbing his naked back. I think I might go touch myself now.

The Beeg--Brad Gilbert--intimated that Baghdatis, who retired against Hewitt, is really fucking hungover. This is a possibility. He's a fun loving guy. One of my best friends is Greek, and she can party like no other. It's a gift. The Greeks are gifted partiers.

OK. It's later now.
Who is this blonde lady sitting in the booth or whatever you call it, and talking about tennis? She's not Australian. She's American. I am glad she's not Mary Carillo, but she looks high as a kite. Now some man named Tom Rinaldi is talking. I have no idea who he is, either. But he's not as high as the blonde lady. At first, I thought the blond lady- and I will put her name here eventually--OK, it's Chris McKendry, thanks to Rick Rock whose mind works a lot better than mine--might just be overly botoxed so that's why she looks so wierd and high. But it's not just botox. Because botox doesn't make your eyes all glassy and make you talk like you might have a very low IQ.

Man, I should be a tennis commentator on the Telly. I'd be HONESTLY high and not pretending to be professional and shit.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Pink is Such a Pretty Color

It is early yet in the Australian Open but I am glad that the tennis season is back in full swing with the first major of the year. I only have two observations right now. Andy Roddick's little fight over the bad call was amusing and yet another example of how it is different for boys. Also, I love that the ball boys and girls are wearing pink shirts and pink hats. I think that is really pretty.

Big John Champ

Hey people, Rowan here. The Auckland tennis swing is all wrapped up.

Big John Isner is the Heineken Open champ! Of course he didn’t do it the easy way, beating super chic Arnaud Clement 63 57 76. Three sets, that’s three different bandanas for Clement, gotta love it. John had to fight in his final service game, saved a match point even, but once it got to the tiebreak he turned it up and dominated. Isner played four tiebreaks this week and he won all of them, that’s good stuff.

And a Kiwi won the doubles! Young Marcus Daniel and new Romanian BFF Horia Tecau beat the Brazilian tag team of Melo and Soares to win the titles. This is the biggest success that a male New Zealand player has had in a long time, so hooray for that. Our top girl Marina Erakovic is all healed up from her injury last year too, so hopefully she can get back in the top 100 real soon. She’s got Li Na in the first round of the Australian Open, tricky.

Hope you all enjoyed the Auckland goss, it was a good two weeks over here. Here’s hoping the new season blows all our minds. Two thousand and when? Two thousand and ten! Aw yeah.

I Am Really Hungover and Watching Tennis

"My brain hurts a lot". That quote comes from David Bowie. He wrote a song called "Five Years" that I like a lot. He wrote many good songs. He always struck me as gay so I got a little confused when he married that Ethiopian supermodel even though I know he had a wife before her too who I think was named Angie. Angie Bowie. Anyway, I like David Bowie's music and right now that line "my brain hurts a lot" from that song, "Five Years", is deeply meaningful and resonant to me. Because, well, my brain hurts a lot. Sometimes, or most of the time, watching tennis makes my brain hurt less. Right now, I am watching Leni, as we like to call her, and Azarenka, as I like to call her, play tennis. Yesterday, I watched Serena's fucking unbelievable comeback against Rezai, who had the match on her raquet and was actually OUTHITTING Serena and then she lost. Anyhoo- tennis usually helps my brain problems, also known as (shh! don't tell!) hangovers. So far though, it's not helping. But! It's still only 4/2 (go Leni! What is up with that crazy mint green Yonex outfit?! I love you no matter what. I would like to be you. If I were you, for instance, I would not be hungover! I would be a rich, professional athlete! That would be better than being hungover. I love you, Leni.). Not sure about my punctuation there in that last sentence--too many periods? How would I know? My brain hurts a lot. OK, I think pizza may be a necessary part of the cure for today. Tennis alone is not enough. Also, I think I may take an alka seltzer. Thank you for reading my blog.

Yours truly,
Paula

Heineken Open

Hey guys! Rowan here, with the haps from the first couple of days at the Heineken Open in Auckland.

David Nalbandian withdrew with an abdominal injury! Sucks!

Juan Carlos Ferrero rolled his ankle and had to retire! Sucks!

Aside from those disappointments, it’s been a fun week of tennis so far. Oh, the Bryan brothers lost in the first round too, but at least they got some decent TV time. And Nalbandian did get to have his MRI at Auckland Hospital, that’s something.

I said it last year and I’ll say it again this year – John Isner is a tall son of a gun. And he’s into the semifinals, after he beat top seed Tommy Robredo in a three set thriller today. In fact all Isner’s matches this week have gone three sets, with a lot of tiebreaks of course. Why do things the easy way?

Isner will face Spanish dude Albert Montanes tomorrow for a spot in the final. Montanes is a regular Auckland visitor who won two titles on clay last year but has never done very well on hard courts. So it’s been a great week for him, and he does seem pretty stoked. Sure, he’s had a piece of cake draw – he beat a qualifier, then a Kiwi wildcard, then another qualifier, not a top 200er among them – but dammit, he still had to make sure he ate that piece of cake without choking on it. And choke he did not, so good on you Albert. But you have to like Big John’s chances to make the final, and maybe even take his first ATP title.

In the other semi tomorrow Philipp Kohlschreiber and his sweet one-handed backhand take on Arnaud Clement and his colourful bandanas. You have to be pretty cool to wear sunglasses at night, and that’s exactly what Clement did when he took out David Ferrer yesterday. I’m picking an Isner-Kohlschreiber final though.

Oh, and Sebastien Grosjean was super cool. He won his first round match in three stylish sets, then lost to Jurgen Melzer in a third set tiebreak the next day, exciting tennis all the way. I hope he can have a good comeback.

Wicky Is Dope

Rowan here, blogging from Auckland some more.

Yanina Wickmayer won the final yesterday! Flavia just couldn’t quite put it together like she had in previous rounds, and Wicky played pretty well. Not bad for a girl who was banned for 12 months a couple of weeks ago. Maybe it’s the start of a big year for her. The winner of the ASB Classic got a new variety of New Zealand flower named after her, so there were red flowers all around centre court which are now called Yanina Floweralus or something. I was trying to think of a WTA player with a really horrible name, so I could make a joke about it being a good thing she didn’t win this week, but I can’t think of one, so I won’t.

Meanwhile the draw has come out for Auckland's ATP tournament the Heineken Open, starting tomorrow tennis fans, and it is nuts. Our two hopeless New Zealand male players have drawn each other in the first round, so for the first time in about a million years we’re going to have a Kiwi in the second round. David Nalbandian has got 2008 champ Philipp Kohlschreiber in the first round, which is a tough draw for both of them. And the good news is Nalby managed to get in on his own ranking, so we got a third wildcard, which has gone to Sebastien Grosjean of all people. I didn’t know that dude was still playing. It will be cool to see him though. He’s got style.

Flavia Flav!

Rowan here, with more observations from the ASB Classic in Auckland.

Battle of the controversial stars today as Protest Target Shahar Peer took on Drug Scandal Queen Yanina Wickmayer. Wicky got the job done in two tight sets, and a couple of protesters got arrested for the second day running. I don’t even have an opinion.

Extra observation: Yanina Wickmayer is tanned like Hulk Hogan. The girl is bronze. I am impressed.

I was happy that Alize Cornet and her nose got to the quarterfinals. I thought she had forgotten how to win last year. One of the highlights of the week was seeing Alize react to a foot fault call from a line judge. She’s so French I can’t stand it.

Francesca Schiavone is funny. She looks like a bit of a badass too, the way she talks and the way she carries herself. Kind of a laid back badass, like Bruce Willis. I keep expecting her to light up a cigarette whenever I see her.

So it’s the final tomorrow! Top seed Flavia Penetta vs third seed Wickmayer. Neither woman has lost a set yet, but Flavia Flav (yeah boyeeeee) has looked so strong the whole week I’d say she is the big favourite. She really does hit a very good ball. Flavia used to go out with Carlos Moya, until he cheated on her, the dork. It’s impossible to stay mad at Carlos Moya for very long though.

Observations

Rowan here! Some observations from the first two days of the ASB Classic in Auckland:

Yanina Wickmayer did indeed beat Gorgeous Goerges in her first round match. This isn’t really an observation, I just wanted to say Gorgeous Goerges. Shout out to all you old school wrestling fans out there.

Maria Kirilenko needs her frilly Stella McCartney dresses back. Kiri looked almost plain in her regular Adidas duds tonight. Hot plain, but still, she used to rock those Stella outfits.

Alize Cornet beat Kiwi Marina Erakovic in their first round match, which was a bit tragic. Mixed emotions for me as I am awfully fond of Alize. Must be the nose I guess.

Sania Mirza impressed me with her fighting spirit today. She got broken by Stefanie Vogele in the final set of their first round match a bunch of times, but she kept coming back and won it 75 in the end. I didn’t know she had it in her. A billion fans can’t be wrong.

Annoying people protested Shahar Peer again about Israel stuff. She won her match in straights, just to stick it to’em. There was a bomb scare this morning too, but the events were unrelated. We Auckland tennis fans just like to leave our bags unattended. We’re laidback like that.

Big Things Poppin

Hey everybody! Rowan here. Hope the off season has treated you all well.

Just wanted to give everyone the heads up that the ASB Classic, Auckland’s very own WTA tournament, will be starting tomorrow. I’m gonna be there, and I’ll totally be dropping in on the blog with thoughts and goss and stuff as the week goes on.

It’s a pretty good line up for the Classic this year, with a bunch of players that I haven’t seen before, like Flavia Penetta, Li Na/Na Li, Anna Chakvetadze and Alize Cornet. And old favourites like Maria Kirilenko are in town too. They’re gonna make us wait for Kiri, but it still looks like a good day of action tomorrow. Yanina Wickmayer, who was banned for a while but isn’t anymore, will be first up on centre court. She’s got to be a little mad about the whole ban thing, so what better way to prove herself than to get the season started with a real tennis beatdown? Julia Goerges better cover up.