Me, Watching Tennis

Me, Watching Tennis
Me, Watching Tennis

Monday, October 22, 2007

The Battle of the Uncircumsized Penises

Before I get to the very important tennis concept mentioned in the title of this particluar entry to my blog, I'd like to quickly discuss the quarterfinals, semis and the amazing final to the Madrid Masters.

David Nalbandian is God! That's right all you naysayers! Well, my man did it. I have a few men on the tour that are my favorites, but as you all know from reading the previous post, I have a very, very specical place in my heart for David. In the quarters, he beat Rafa 6/1, 6/2. A spanking. I like Rafa. In fact, this post was going to be called, I Liked Rafael Nadal Before You Did, which is true. But even though I like Rafa and liked him before you did, I still wanted David to win because Rafa has won plenty of times, but David tends to lose more than he should.

The commentators kept saying how poorly Rafa was playing which may have been sort of true - but people! David played really, really well. Then, when David beat Djokovic in the semis, they kept saying how poorly Djokovic was playing. Then, even while beating Roger Goddamn Federer, they had to say that The R-Fed was playing poorly. I wanted to pull my hair out. In the final, to the credit of the announcers ( a tiny tiny bit of credit), they gave David a little love.

The truth is, he played brilliantly in those last three matches. He served amazingly well- at 70 percent sometimes -- and he owned Federer's second serve! Owned it! Did anyone else hear the announcers talk about how David owned Federer's second serve? No. Because they weren't paying attention. They were too busy feeling awkward-- and this goes for the Rafa match and the Djokovic match -- about how wrong they were about David. So they didn't even watch what he did so well, which were many things. Taking control of the points, keeping the ball deep, finishing up at the net whenever possible. And he did this against Rafa and Djokopvic, too. He played very, very well to win those matches.

Now, four years ago, I was in Toronto with my sons at the Canada Open. Of course, we were trawling the back courts rather than sitting in the stadium watching a match. And there on a uncrowded back court, were Nalbandian and Nadal, practicing with Uncle Tony and the then coach of David's (with whom he is no longer). And both of them had their shirts off! David had a very sexy tat on his arm. And this was around the time when Rafa turned from boy to man. He was suddenly big. The year before, he hadn't quite filled out. But the point is, they are buddies. And both such good sports. Did you see their hug after David whomped him!? I love these two. Oh, and on that practice court, when David left, everyone watching left, except for me and my sons. David at that point was the bigger star! No one knew who Rafa was, except for me. That's why I was going to title this, I Liked Rafael Nadal Before You Did. So I stayed after David left and watched Rafa hit forehand after forehand. Without his shirt on. And another thing! He had been speaking Spanish with David when they were both practicing. But after David left, he spoke Catalan with Uncle Tony! How cool is that? I feel like I know something very special about Rafa. That he is Catalan/Mallorcan. Of course, the Catalan they speak in Mallorca is different than the Catalan they speak in Barcelona, but still. I know something special about him, like if I'd seen a little birthmark or something that the rest of his fans hadn't seen.

And what about the great sportsmanship of Djokovic? Putting his arm around David to congratulate him? I just love these guys.

But back to the Rafa and David match and to the very important topic mentioned in the title of this post. (Although, Djokovic and R-Fed come into play here, too.) While I was watching Rafa anad David play and the camera was focussed on Rafa's big, sweaty forarms and heaving chest, I thought, this guy is uncircumsized. And then I realized, so is David, probably. And so is Djokovic most likley! And R-Fed! What Swiss guy gets circumsized? The Spanish don't do it, either. And then a very big, hard, long, throbbing thought struck me upside the head: what if the reason why American players are not doing so well in tennis is because they are circumsized? People say that not being circumsized makes you have a lot more feeling in your penis. Maybe, somehow, this extra feeling in the penis makes them have extra powers on the court. And so I wanted to try and make a list of all the top one hundred players who are not circumsized. I don't know if the Russian do it, but my guess is not. So Safin might go on this list. And definitely Feliciano Lopez, Tommy Robredo, David Ferrer and possibly Juan Monaco, although I'm not entirely certain about the Argentines. Perhaps the ATP or the ITF would like to do a study on this. I would be more than willing to help. I could help by, firstly, gathering information. I'm sure that the players in the locker room all have a general idea about who is circumsized and who is not. But I could do a better, more thorough investigation into this all important matter. I would look at each player's penis and, with a clipboard in hand, write down their names in one of the two categories that I would have on my clipboard. The two categories would be circumsized and uncircumsized. It would be very scientific.

So I wanted to share this revelation. Perhaps this is something we can do here in America to make better tennis players; leave our boys uncut. Just a thought. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go watch the Women's Zurich Final (I think it's Zurich, I have it taped..) which consists of Justine Henin against the pretty lady, Tatiana Golovin.
Yours Truly,


paula said...

My friend Tom asked me to post this! Something is wrong with my post-comment machine.

Hmmm. Miss, Paula, your theory, if I understand you correctly is, roughly put, the greater the foreskin the greater the forehand.
I agree with you that it is a compelling and very worthy question to ask and a valuable one to have answered. I'm curious to know if you've made any further headway in your research. Also, have you considered approaching the US Olympic Committee or even the Federal Government to see if either party would be willing to fund you research? Roddick and Blake are probably both circumcised but are probably both just anomalies, or “standard deviations” in the statistical sense. If it is indeed true and there's a direct correlation I think you should submit your query to the National Obstetricians Association in Washington DC. I'm led to wonder if my overhead slam might be a little better if I had overhead skin. I'd be curious to know if there is a way to have foreskin re-applied. Sorta like a reverse Brisk. Would my USTA ranking go up from a 4.5 to a 5 or better? Wow, you've really got my head(s) swimming with thoughts. Thank you. In closing might I also provide my own theory on why it could be that an uncircumcised member might perform better as a member of the ITF than a circumcised member; uncircumcised pee-pees are really ugly and perhaps it is the case that guys unfortunate enough to have a cheese filled little anteater in their shorts instead of my glossy, clean machine are so unlucky with the ladies that instead of pounding beaver as a hobby they take up tennis and pound little yellow balls instead. Just a thought. Sincerely, Tommy “The Wall” Carver

paula said...

Dear Tom,
I appreciate your intriguing musings on the connection between circumcision and professional tennis prowess. Most importantly, I want to thank you for suggesting I contact the U.S. Olympic Committee regarding my research. I'm not sure how I managed to overlook them as a possible funder for my scientific study! Because of the recent doping scandals in track and field, I cannot imagine that the U.S. Olympic Committee would NOT be interested in finding a new, easier way of making our athletes-- although, I was focussing on tennis players, but hey, I would volunteer to check out hockey players, too, for instance -- more athletic, more powerful, more likely to win by the simple non-operation on not being circumsized.

And yes, Tom, there are ways to bring back your precious foreskin. I suggest,if you are so inclined, through the magic of the internet, that you contact one of the many groups that support this action. Unfortunately, it involves putting heavy weights on your member until the skin starts to stretch. But I think it's worth it! Just imagine how much your forehand will improve!!!

Jon said...


Something about your uncircumcised penis theory really stinks. More acute penile sensitivity pays a handsome dividend on the streets of Bangkok, but not on Center Court in Queens. When I'm playing tennis, all I want to be focusing on is using my racquet to stroke fuzzy balls. Any distraction down there would certainly interfere with making the cut and therefore translate into increased hardness.

Savannah said...

This made me a fan! Thanks Paula.

I am a stone Rafatard and this never crossed my mind.

paula said...

Thanks Savannah! I've enjoyed your blog so much as well as your comments on Craig's blog. I know our boys deserve a longer off-season but I feel lost without them. I can't wait for Hopman Cup and the whole pre-Australia season to start! It's really not so long from now!

Anonymous said...

I'm uncut, and totally sceptical of your theory.

The USA's rise to dominance over the course of the last century while the proportion of its adult men who were circumcised grew, is a coincidence. The USA will lose a lot of its dominance over the course of this century, and the proportion of its adult men who are left intact will rise. (More and more young women - the mothers of tomorrow - find circ uncool.) This too will be a coincidence.

America became powerful at a time when porn was furtive and timid. America began to decline as the digicam and web made it possible for all American women to show their pussies to anyone with a broadband connection. These too are coincidences.

The only real advantage the USA has on the tennis court is a large population. And the way more and more mothers pamper their children makes it less and less likely than an American will grow up to be a star outside of football and basketball.

Mrs Paula, try not to take too much offense at my blunt views. I rather like your legs.

paula said...

Here are a few thought Mr anon-
Sampras? Greek descent. The Greeks don't cut. Agassi-Armenian. They don't cut. Mac? cut. Borg- not cut(yeah, he's not American and neither was Nastasi). Chang? Asians in Asia don't cut, right? Courier-like Mac. But things to think about.

American children are spoiled. But they also are not living in Eastern Europe. Eastern Europe is not the land of unspoiled children (especially the boys) but it is the land of fewer opportunties.

Also, what about me, with a clipboard? I just want in the locker room! I actually don't beleive this theory. Don't tell.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.