The Battle of the Uncircumsized Penises

Before I get to the very important tennis concept mentioned in the title of this particluar entry to my blog, I'd like to quickly discuss the quarterfinals, semis and the amazing final to the Madrid Masters.

David Nalbandian is God! That's right all you naysayers! Well, my man did it. I have a few men on the tour that are my favorites, but as you all know from reading the previous post, I have a very, very specical place in my heart for David. In the quarters, he beat Rafa 6/1, 6/2. A spanking. I like Rafa. In fact, this post was going to be called, I Liked Rafael Nadal Before You Did, which is true. But even though I like Rafa and liked him before you did, I still wanted David to win because Rafa has won plenty of times, but David tends to lose more than he should.

The commentators kept saying how poorly Rafa was playing which may have been sort of true - but people! David played really, really well. Then, when David beat Djokovic in the semis, they kept saying how poorly Djokovic was playing. Then, even while beating Roger Goddamn Federer, they had to say that The R-Fed was playing poorly. I wanted to pull my hair out. In the final, to the credit of the announcers ( a tiny tiny bit of credit), they gave David a little love.

The truth is, he played brilliantly in those last three matches. He served amazingly well- at 70 percent sometimes -- and he owned Federer's second serve! Owned it! Did anyone else hear the announcers talk about how David owned Federer's second serve? No. Because they weren't paying attention. They were too busy feeling awkward-- and this goes for the Rafa match and the Djokovic match -- about how wrong they were about David. So they didn't even watch what he did so well, which were many things. Taking control of the points, keeping the ball deep, finishing up at the net whenever possible. And he did this against Rafa and Djokopvic, too. He played very, very well to win those matches.

Now, four years ago, I was in Toronto with my sons at the Canada Open. Of course, we were trawling the back courts rather than sitting in the stadium watching a match. And there on a uncrowded back court, were Nalbandian and Nadal, practicing with Uncle Tony and the then coach of David's (with whom he is no longer). And both of them had their shirts off! David had a very sexy tat on his arm. And this was around the time when Rafa turned from boy to man. He was suddenly big. The year before, he hadn't quite filled out. But the point is, they are buddies. And both such good sports. Did you see their hug after David whomped him!? I love these two. Oh, and on that practice court, when David left, everyone watching left, except for me and my sons. David at that point was the bigger star! No one knew who Rafa was, except for me. That's why I was going to title this, I Liked Rafael Nadal Before You Did. So I stayed after David left and watched Rafa hit forehand after forehand. Without his shirt on. And another thing! He had been speaking Spanish with David when they were both practicing. But after David left, he spoke Catalan with Uncle Tony! How cool is that? I feel like I know something very special about Rafa. That he is Catalan/Mallorcan. Of course, the Catalan they speak in Mallorca is different than the Catalan they speak in Barcelona, but still. I know something special about him, like if I'd seen a little birthmark or something that the rest of his fans hadn't seen.

And what about the great sportsmanship of Djokovic? Putting his arm around David to congratulate him? I just love these guys.

But back to the Rafa and David match and to the very important topic mentioned in the title of this post. (Although, Djokovic and R-Fed come into play here, too.) While I was watching Rafa anad David play and the camera was focussed on Rafa's big, sweaty forarms and heaving chest, I thought, this guy is uncircumsized. And then I realized, so is David, probably. And so is Djokovic most likley! And R-Fed! What Swiss guy gets circumsized? The Spanish don't do it, either. And then a very big, hard, long, throbbing thought struck me upside the head: what if the reason why American players are not doing so well in tennis is because they are circumsized? People say that not being circumsized makes you have a lot more feeling in your penis. Maybe, somehow, this extra feeling in the penis makes them have extra powers on the court. And so I wanted to try and make a list of all the top one hundred players who are not circumsized. I don't know if the Russian do it, but my guess is not. So Safin might go on this list. And definitely Feliciano Lopez, Tommy Robredo, David Ferrer and possibly Juan Monaco, although I'm not entirely certain about the Argentines. Perhaps the ATP or the ITF would like to do a study on this. I would be more than willing to help. I could help by, firstly, gathering information. I'm sure that the players in the locker room all have a general idea about who is circumsized and who is not. But I could do a better, more thorough investigation into this all important matter. I would look at each player's penis and, with a clipboard in hand, write down their names in one of the two categories that I would have on my clipboard. The two categories would be circumsized and uncircumsized. It would be very scientific.

So I wanted to share this revelation. Perhaps this is something we can do here in America to make better tennis players; leave our boys uncut. Just a thought. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go watch the Women's Zurich Final (I think it's Zurich, I have it taped..) which consists of Justine Henin against the pretty lady, Tatiana Golovin.
Yours Truly,
Paula