Me, Watching Tennis

Me, Watching Tennis
Me, Watching Tennis

Friday, September 27, 2013

Am I A Weirdo?

Hello! Rowan here. Been a long time since I blogged something. But I enjoyed Paula's US Open posts, and she pretty much promised me she will blog more if I blog something too.

Today I'm gonna share something awesome with you. Dan Kim is a great artist from Canada, and he recently had a Kickstarter fundraising campaign for his new book. One of the rewards for donating was that Dan would draw you an original sketch of your favourite waifu, a female character of your choice. Most normal people picked cartoon or comic book characters, but for my waifu I asked if I could choose my favourite tennis player Alizé Cornet. Am I a weirdo?

Alizé has actually had a decent season this year for once. She won a title on clay in Strasbourg, made the 3rd round at 3 of the Slams and is ranked 28 in the world right now, her highest in years. She still has a lot of French attitude and a very pretty nose.

Anyway here is Dan's picture of Alizé. Isn't it the greatest thing you ever saw in your whole life? I could gaze at it all day, and I do, I stuck it up on the wall above my drawing table. Srsly, am I a weirdo?


You can find more of Dan Kim's art at

Let's blog again real soon!

PS: Have you seen Eugenie Bouchard the 19 year old from Canada? She is a total babe.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Men's US Open Final, 2013

Ok, Djokovic just broke at Love. This is turning into a match. At first, I thought that Rafa was just going to kill Nole, and then I started thinking about how hot they are, both of them, and so I stopped caring at all about the actual match and starting thinking dirty thoughts.
I don't know who I want to win. I love them both. Dearly.
Has anyone else noted that Nadal is losing some hair there on the top- it's thinning. I may have mentioned that before, because one thing this blog is good for is- repetition. I want to have sex with tennis players! I am drinking an adult beverage! My animals make my house smell bad!
OK, Nole. Not losing any hair. In fact, he has a virtual Brillo pad on his head. Think how useful that would be. First, you could watch him play tennis (like I am now), then you could make him have sex with you, or that would be ideal, and then you could use his head to wash the dishes. OMG. That would be three great things in a row, or in any order, not necessarily in a row.
Now- let's talk about Nadal.
Oh wait, I gotta say this is turning into a great match and the ralleys are AMAZING.
OK, back to Nadal. Now, his hair IS thinning. But so is Rick Rock's the man of the house here and sometimes contributor, and that doesn't bother me a bit. And so was this ex boyfriend's of mine in college- it in no way affected our ability to be "close" nor did it destroy my attraction to him. In fact, if he were here right now, I would hit on him, because I don't like his wife and I have good memories of him and I bet he's still hot - he married her right after me! Anyway, back to Nadal. Good lord he is so handsome and talented and rich. And so SPANISH. As followers of this blog now, I used to live in Spain and LOVE Spanish men, although I was 18 at the time and didn't bang one Spanish dude because Americans had the rep to be sluts and I didn't want to be thought of as a slut. God, how I regret that now. Who the fuck cares if someone thinks you are a slut in a foreign country when you are 18? If only my 45 year old self could inhabit my 18 year old self- I would have banged some HOT Spanish dudes.
Nole is trying to turn this around. Too bad Mary Carillo hasn't become a mute. Wow, that was rough. I don't really want her to lose the ability to speak, but you know- she's awful.
OK, I just baked a chicken and fed my family. We had some asparagus and rice, too. At dinner, once the conversation turned to dicks, and how smoking makes you turn to dick sucking, which then makes you start taking harder drugs because you are sad you are sucking dick - anyway, why are adolescent boys obsessed with their dicks? And why is Rick Rock, who is 45, an adolescent boy? And why were we talking about gateway drugs and why did this lead to non stop penis talk? I mean, I never care about those things, as this blog attests. When have I ever mentioned the male anatomy?  Sometimes, it's hard to be the only lady in the house.
I might start watching this on fast forward as I hate to be behind. I used to watch tennis on fast forward a lot because I watched TENNIS ALL THE TIME. I don't do that anymore. My life got busy in mostly bad ways, but also some good ways.
Rafa just fell and - he's so cute.
I like Rafa's outfit a little bit better than Nole's. But don't tell Nole that in case I stand a chance? OK? Thanks.
Rick Rock is perving on Rafa's sister. He said, "I've watched her grow up into a fine young woman." That was a little too Law and Order SVU for me ( I usually call that show, which I watch all the time "SUV" just to be dyslexic and also SUV is a common "word". It just flow better.)
I'm a little behind- been taping it, had to feed the dick obsessed wierdos in my house- but more soon!
Just when I thought Nole was going to take over, Rafa turns into a crazed tennis genius and takes the third set. I wish I were his towel. I could be his towel! Just that, really, not more, just that thing he rubs all over his arms and sometimes other parts of his body. OK, now I want to be the tennis balls. They go inside the pockets of BOTH tennis players! They get to soak up some sweat. They're right next to some seriously important anatomy of the tennis players. They get squeezed by the hands of both Nadal and Nole. Oh, yeah, I am a tennis ball- sort of all Yoda like. Remember Yoda? He had this whole "saying" thing which was deep and mysterious and transported himself out of dumb reality into something awesome and powerful? I AM THE TENNIS BALL. Squeeze me, put me next to your junk, then hit me a lot. Hm. The last part- not so sure of. But I was just riffing.

Oh shit, 3-0 Rafa in the fourth.I am having a vodka on ice. For some reason, I keep dripping onto my shirt. It sort of looks like when you breastfeed and your milk leaks. Not a good look. Thank God Rafa and Nole can't see me. It also looks like Azarenka yesterday. She had terrible boob sweat circles. Maybe that's why she lost? Serena has an iron bra holding up her huge, amazing breasts, each breast bigger than the size of my head. No sweat is getting through an iron bra.
Oh fuck, Nole is not hitting so well. He has played soo much more tennis this tournament.He might need me to console him. I will. I would, in a heartbeat, in a vodka wet T-shirt, bad boob circle (although unlike Azarenka, only one boob is getting the circle of wetness) shirt,  give him my consolation. I guess I could take off my shirt? I should take it off- I lifted weights with my amazing trainer, and it was disgusting to begin with.

It's 5-1 now. AAWWW.

I'm wearing my Strassburg Sock.

I highly recommend if you have Plantar Fascc-my-foot-hurts. It really helps.

Championship point. So sad. So great? So great. So confused. I love tennis.
I need to clean up dog pee. My three legged dog pees everwhere. OHHH! Go Rafa! Nole - I love you. What a great handshake! Rafa- oh shit. Rafa is crying. I might cry.

Yours Truly,

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I Went to the US Open Today

People. I went to the US Open today. As some of you know I used to watch tons of tennis and blog about it with great regularity. Now- not so much. But - DAMN- it's a good game. My very nice husband brought me along to a corporate box - I immediately forgot the name of the corporation, but he works with these people, and I was anxious- sometimes, I say inappropriate things. But yet, he took a gamble on me- he let me come along. It turned out one of the sales people who sells- I don't know what, my husband mumbles, so I can't understand, and then the actual sales people could give a shit what I know- remembered me from last year! I remembered him too! Although I have no idea what anyone does. I was just sweating a lot and super happy to be in a corporate "suite". They bring you drinks- non stop. There is a ton of food! I ate three times- the last was a plate of salami and a pile of chips with sour cream dip. And then there was TENNIS! Kvitova started. Sometimes, she looks like a huge Eastern European JAIL GUARD. But, in reality, she looks like an awesome strong, young, tennis player! She was cute. Huge-ish, but cute! She won her match. I was getting hot. It was hot out. I wore a sweater- granted a small sweater- but still. She won Wimbledon a few year ago.She was "awes" as my sons say. Then came the "Woz" also know as Caroline Wozniacki. She's Polish but plays for Denmark. At one point, she was number 1! She's totally thinned out. She's not anorexic seeming, she just lost her baby fat. She played this ginormous Chinese qualifier, Duan Ying Ying, who was 6'1, and hit balls HARD. Like I do (just kidding, well, you know). The Woz managed to pull it out with great defensive play, and Duan just made too many errors. At this point I was sunburned. Also, I'm not a good day drinker, but hey, free booze. So, I'm at this corporate box- love the private toilet!- and  bonding with the waiter! I waited on tables for ever....anyway. Every now and again someone wanted to talk "business" with me and I just did that thing, you know, put your hand over your head and say "that just went over me". It worked. Then Federer came out. AAWWWWW. He's so cute. Then I made some inappropriate comments but my husband ensured me that I wasn't as bad as- well. That was wishful thinking. I say the wrong things. I didn't use dirty words. Free drinks and food? I did OK. Federer kicked some ass. But I clapped loudly for the poor dude "I'm getting over Mono" a lot. At this point, I'd had too much Vitamin D, some white wine, lots of weird chicken dishes, and I was wearing bad shorts- like, too short shorts.  The only good thing is that- I was not the only one sweating! We were all sweating like crazy! So I slid off my seat and gave wet hugs to people, especially the one guy who invited us, I gave him a good sweaty hug, and - yeah. One thing - professional tennis players play amazing tennis.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Women's Final at Wimbledon- 2013

Clive Owen? Yes Clive Owen is narrating the women's final blabla. God I love his voice. His pockmarks. If I had the chance, I'm sure I'd love other things about him. But, come on - isn't that weird? For instance- they should say- Clive Owen is narrating the "ladies championship at Wimby" -  but no. I'm the one telling you that.

Lots of talk about intense relationships with Daddy. Bartoli fired her daddy but here he is, watching. I had an intense relationship with my dad. Thank God I never had to fire him. Serena, Maria, Bartoli- all had to fire their dads and it was always the right thing to do, even though their dads MADE them. Life is strange.
 I can't believe Lisicki isn't barfing or crying. I would do both. I would do both - or I do do both- even when I am not playing a final at Wimbledon. Actually, I haven't barfed in a long time. But I cry pretty regularly. Pretty sure I would barf if I was playing some tennis final though. And cry.
Two things- I sort of hate the dude who is commentating. But I like "Chrissie". First of all, how is a grown woman, who, by the way, is aging beautifully, I don't see any weird surgery going on in her face or arms or anywhere, goes by the name "Chrissie?" I love it.  I'm an old lady and I prefer to have sort of little girl nicknames. I think that's normal. Let's pretend we are not getting old and dying! Let's have baby names!
Well, Bartoli is being more consistent. Not surprising. Aw. Lisicki! Where is your serve?
ROWAN! He just said- Bartoli is beating Lisicki like a drum.
Rowan is right! It's not fun to watch. Chrissie called her spent from the other matches. I think she just doesn't have the experience. Bartoli does. But really, if Lisicki had her game on, this would be a better match.

Second set. Come on Lisicki. Make this second set a match! I am awake and I am NEVER awake at this hour. You owe me, girl.
She just made a cute face. That's encouraging. I've had two cups of coffee and I usually only am allowed a half cup because otherwise I get all insane and my family gets worried. But HEY- it's the women's FINAL. Therefore, I get to be insane! And fuck my family! Yeah, that's right, deal with my overcaffienated ass!

Here's something- Chris Fowler used to make me want to strangle him. I totally like Chrissie. I feel like the fact that Fowler has gone grey-perhaps age? perhaps something shitty in his life happened?- has made him less of an asshole. Sorry, Chris, if your dad died or something awful happened, but you seem less of a dick than you used to be. And that I appreciate. Can we also be happy that Tracy Austin is not in the box.  She makes me grind my teeth with rage.

Go Go Go- Lisicki! Make this a match!!!

By the way, if I manage to blog- think I'm going to make Rowan and Mike do it- during the men's final- but if I do manage- I will be also having sex with myself the whole time whilst watching those two totally fine dudes hit little balls at each other which is sort of like trying to get the sperm in the lady part- and it's just so sexy. Makes me think of an essay that Gary Amdahl sent me recently about hockey and sex. But that was good sports writing and I try very hard- oh wait, no I don't try hard- to be the world's shittiest sports writer. Which brings me to the great writer, who I do admire and he deserves all his accolades, minus the shit talk from his ex girlfriend who I now hate, Mary Carr, - DFW- yeah, I can't spell his name out at this second- writing about Federer for the- NEW YORK TIMES. God, that piece made my lady boner go away. It was not good. People loved it. I didn't. It wasn't fun. Sometimes, taking yourself too seriously makes people laugh at you, not with you and maybe that is a risk we all should take from time to time. But not about tennis.


Once, and you could find it somewhere on this blog, I was at the US Open on a back court and watched Bartoli play and there really is something you see up close that the TV is not showing. Her angles? With her crazy two handed thingy on both sides? It's INTENSE. It's special.

But I'm so sad about Lisicki. She's just sucking right now. I really hope she doesn't cry. I might cry  for her. Would that help? Can I suck the bad emotion of stress and fear and waah from her? Trying to channel across the ocean to Lisicki, trying to suck the bad away sort of like you suck venom out of your friend after they got bit by a snake.

Oh shit. 4-1 in the second. My venom sucking is not working. Maybe I need more coffee. I'm surprised - as I mentioned- that Chris Fowler is not being the dick he usually is. Maybe because there isn't another man in the box with him?

God, this is sad. Poor Lisicki. Tennis is so mental. And Lisicki mind is going "I'm fucking losing".

Bartoli is basically fucking everything. Swinging her dick left and right and straight at you. Also, did I say this is painful. Oh shit. I can barely watch. I hate a blow out. Is that the word? Blow out. Who knows. I'm going to drink more coffee and become more brain damaged.

I like that they keep showing Mauresmo. LOVE her. If I were a lesbian, which I am not, I would totally let her go down on me. In fact, I would let her go down on me even though I am not a lesbian. Even, like, right now. As long as she kept her lady parts away from me. I guess that would be a "bad deal" on her part. That's why I would be a bad lesbian. It would have to be a totally one sided relationship.

Just gonna say a normal tennis thing- Lisicki has always been streaky. And I don't mean her hair. And it's making her suck right now.

I'm gonna watch for a minute- be right back.
Bartoli is panicking. But I don't have a lot of faith in Lisicki - yet. She could change that. Oh, gonna drink more coffee. Why not finish off the pot?

She just did it!