Me, Watching Tennis

Me, Watching Tennis
Me, Watching Tennis

Monday, September 13, 2010

Nadal v. Djokovic

Finally, the final. I'm hanging out on Tennis X, being alarmed by the rudeness and the stupidity, but also, enjoying the nice people and the non-idiots. I'm drinking a martini and vaping, which is not nearly as fun as smoking.

I was happy Nole took the second set. I want this to be a real match and so far, well, at least it will at least be a four setter.

I want to thank all my readers for coming by this US Open. I got 800 hits this US Open, and that's a lot for a blog that pretends to be about tennis, is about tennis sort of, but goes off on sex and drinking and Mars and cat pee and stuff a lot. So, big thanks for reading people.

This is a passionate match. I'd be happy of either one wins- and I think one of them will-and I'll be sad for the loser.

They just showed Nole's box and his mom was gone- must be at the ladies room. Rick Rock said they should let her pee in a cup. I'm in agreement.

Set four is ending. I would love for Nole to get out of the hole he's in- I'd like to stay up later and drink more. Oh wait, I can do that anyway. I guess- I mean- I would like to drink whilst watching tennis, not a Law and Order rerun.

Wow- what a great final. What great players. No Mars jokes. Just- love these players. Nadal earned that win and I hope Nole gets another Grand Slam soon.

Yours Truly,

Saturday, September 11, 2010

US Open 2010 Ladies' Final: Kimmy Wrastles Vera Down, Teaches Her

RR here -

Kimmy is the Boss. She gave Vera nothing, wrassled her down, pinned her, Vera tried to struggle but Kimmy was too strong, nothing worked. Eventually , after some pretty good (but not great) Vera histrionics, smash the rackets, flank-smacking, horrifying Russian curses (which really do work by the way), Vera submits, giving in to Kimmy's relentless onslaught, surrendering her womanhood to Kimmy. Gives in completely, utterly spent, ravished by Kimmy's punishing, rock-hard tennis prowess.

Mary Carrillo tried hard to be her usual dickish self, but actually Vera miraculously composed herself and Kimmy is the nicest person on the planet (also probably nicer than most people on Mars), so it didn't really take. She didn't have anything much to work with. She did try though, suggesting the "moment" was too much for Vera. Truthfully, Kimmy was just extremely tough.

By the way, Mars!

So there you have it people - the Ladies' final. Kimmy rules, everyone else drools. Watch for lots more players to quit and have babies, looking for that competitive edge. and marry people from New Jersey. And be Flemish. And, and, do the splits a lot. And, win lots of tennis games. Oh wait they are already trying to do that. Serena starts dating The Situation? Sam Stosur has triplets? We shall see...

RR out

Hanging Out at Tennis X, I Discover There Are Robots Amongst Us

Yes, it is true. There are robots among us, people who look like people but are actually robots built by Martians and then smuggled down to earth in a rad spaceship that maybe was invisible to the human eye and then- like, the Martians dropped off their elaborately and specifically wired robots to run loose in the world and then, like, got back on their invisible spaceship and returned to Mars, and like, that is why we didn't see the Martians.

Also, this Nole Fed match is pretty awesome. A real match. Sort of rooting for Nole, although I dig Federer.

Anyway, one such robot built by the Martians goes by the name of "Zinaldo". Now, I am pretty sure back on Mars, when they built "Zinaldo" his/her real name, her Martian robot name, was Zshreebutnkzzzz, or something like that. Anyway, I think these robots were built because Martians are trying to take over the Earth (despite them letting us use their planet for things like body mooshing) and think they can do so by dropping these inconspicous robots around the planet, robots that have different ways of- trying to take over the earth. So "Zinaldo" (really Zshreebutnkzzz) was specially designed to annoy people sooooo badly, that like, smoke starts blowing out of their ears and then they explode and die, or maybe they explode and their human energy flies upward to space and is sucked over to Mars so not only are the robots killing off the human race, but they ensure that our energy is theirs for their use. Like maybe, they use our energy to power their bedside lamps. Not sure. But I am pretty sure "Zinaldo" is the robot of annoyance and that it is part of a Martian conspiracy, I'm just not sure about the bedside lamps.

Anyway, you can see for yourself by clicking here and going over to Tennis X and scrolling down and reading "Zinaldo's" comments. And then you can decide if I'm right or not. I think you will find my theory pretty believable. Other people comment and say things like "shut your mouth, Zinaldo", or "Shut up Zinaldo", but I think we really need to take a real hard look at what could ACTUALLY being going on with "Zinaldo".

This third set is fantastic, between Nole and the Fed.

Wow, and this fourth set- I missed some of it to take a shower- but- I love it. I like seesawing sets- very exciting. I also like seesaws, because they are fun. Up and down, up and down. Wheeee!

Wow. A FIFTH IS ON THE WAY! Five setters rock.

Yours Truly,

Facebook Chatting About Vera and Youzhny


this match is boring me

the kimmy match was great


i think want zvonereva to win


I don't think she can

But it would be a great upset- I like Vera

I like Kimmy too- but she's won it twice


she's all emotional and crazy


Vera is on new meds I think, less crazy

like me

maybe klonopin, like me


yes that's a turn-on...part of why i lke her

but i also like kimmy


It's fun

kimmy is sweet, vera is all crazy - the self flagallating lest year was rad

I also think she's not gay

you can just imagine having to pin her down and control her

she's sexy crazy


yes excatly




she needs to be controlled




and to be taught


it would be fun for a dude to wrestle her down-

the sense of struggle and then



yes..would be a real struggle


this all has to go on my blog

2:32pmRon belongs there


I want Youz to break here

Did you read about my little conversation with youz in the elevator?




oh wait - did I get the score wrong? i did

I'm out of it



he did break

last game


my brain is mush

I chatted up youz in the elevator in toronto

I find him attractive



he's going to win the touramnet


i would like that

I like Nole to win too- but not sure- Fed is playing really well

goddamn- poor youz

he might need some consoling

I could console him after his loss

like, pretty much let him do whatever he wants

maybe he'll be all angry and need to take out his aggression




or maybe he'll be sad and need to be stroked gently and consoled like that-- brought back to life from his sadness


he knew he never had a chance

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Nadal .v. Verdasco US Open 2010 - Ladies Love Cool Fernando

Hey - it's RR here again -

Help me People! P is not blogging. Why? She has been hanging out on Tennis-X and commenting a lot, and it's sapping her creative juices! They are sapping her creative juices and turning them into creative syrup, to pour on their own pancakes, by boiling them and adding sugar!!! It's terrible. I feel the crushing burden of having to blog, all on my own... carrying a giant, crushing weight, like I was pushing a giant stone Blog up a hill, only to have it roll down and have to do it again, day in, day out...

I'm trying to make her feel bad - can you tell? Mind you, she is having a lot of fun on Tennis-X...

HEY! We were there! Last night, for Woz-Cibulkova and then Federer-Soderling. First time I saw Fed live. He was like a god. And I am not a generally drooling Fed fan. But even from er like 100 rows up, he just had this aura. Soderling, a big strong fella and great player, did not have that aura.

It was pretty much womp, womp. Anyway we had fun. Good company. $300 spent on sweaters because it was freezing! I was a little surprised that Soderling went down so easy. I had high hopes. Anyway, despite 2 straight set matches it was still 1 AM when we got home...

Tonight we are watching Nadal-Verdasco. Had tickets but, too tired! Also, 9AM meeting tomorrow. Sigh.

P says they call Verdasco "hot sauce" on Tennis-X. She is trying to get them to adopt "Ladies' Choice". I suggested "LL Cool F".

By the way, we bought Cheesewad a shirt in Toronto, and it turns out to be Nadal's nighttime shirt! Cool!

Rockytoad and I got to see Nadal and Gonzo almost COURTSIDE last year - incidentally with tickets from the same folks we skipped out on tonight. But tonight, the seats were high in the bleachers. By the way, it's still fun up there...

Anyway, enough for now. So far Verdasco is punching through the considerable wind better than Nadal. I am kinda surprised. I thought spin was good in the wind? Who knows. Oh wait just noticed they are back on serve! More later... my hard-earned cash is on Rafa, what can I say.

RR out - for now.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Leni, Stosur, and Yahoo Answers!

RR Here -

P is not blogging. I apologize to our readers - I tell her that her readers need her. I am trying. She is hanging out on Tennis X too much and it's sapping her.... blog juice? I tell her to just blog what she is commenting... whatever. Trying.

Leni and Stosur. Martina is such a pleasure. Even Tracey is not bugging me too much. Maybe she read my post from yesterday and is trying to mellow out? Not be such a scary beotch? On reflection, I think that is definitely the case. Trace, if you read this, you're on the right track to rejoining the human race. Keep it up. Humanizing.

Tonight, we took a little break from watching tennis, actually while watching tennis but like break in what we were actually thinking and talking about, and hung out on Yahoo! Answers. It's like the new Amazon Reviews! Some of the questions we looked into were, "Andy Capp Hot Fries - Yuck or Yum?" In fact that was the one that got us there - P has a thing for Hot Fries. But then, that led us to other fascinating questions, like, "do u like chicken? and do u like ham?" That was what I called a "bong-hit question" - whoever asked that (I think his name was... Austin? I forget) did a giant bong hit and then typed that question in. Also, "could you die from eating a whole octopus?" That question is unresolved.

That all had nothing to do with tennis. Except that, when you watch a ton of tennis, you need to have a little downtime or multitask a little or something.

Leni is playing kind of awesome -just won the second set - but her new serve motion, it's like the serve of a retard. Not that it isn't working - and not that I don't sometimes do something similar - like when all hell is breaking loose on the serve and you try to do as little as possible - but it looks... retarded. But we love Leni and are pulling for her. Love Stosur too - but gotta pull for Leni. COME ON!

Back to the match - no more hanging out on Yahoo Answers... life is too short. But I laughed so hard tears shot out of my eyes and splattered on the computer screen...

RR out

Mardy Fish Talks About His Diet in This Video

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Djokovic vs. Blake: Butt Battle! And, Tracey Austin Torn Apart by Wild Dogs

It's Djokovic and Blake, and man, these guys have giant asses.

Blake's is immediately evident. It fills up half the TV screen. We are in the country, where our TV is smaller, but I don't think that makes a difference. I think on our big TV it would be even bigger! Ginormous butt, a tennis-engine butt machine shooshing him around the court.

Djokovic, today it is not quite as overwhelmingly evident on the TV - but P tells me that in person playing doubles in Canada, his butt was like a giant shelf you could put your things on - keys, wallet, the mail, a few chotchkys, a picture of your mum, etc. And, bent over and waiting for the return, he held it still, so the things would not fall off if you put them there, not like Clijsters, who wags her rear around whilst waiting to return.

Tennis is a Metaphor for Life (aka Must Watch Tennis all The Time) has produced brave reporting on tennis players' asses before - read more here.

Butts, butts, butts.

Anyway, in other news, whenever we've been watching the Tennis channel, we've indulged in detailed fantasies about horrible, violent things happening to Tracey Austin. In one version, one of the camera men dropped his camera, so it was like lying on the ground showing a sideways shot, and he ran after Tracey screaming "Shut the fuck up, you idiot, I've been listening to your stupid shit all day and I can't take it any more!" Blood splatters around the room, and Tracey's face falls to the ground in front of the abandoned camera, THUNK! Then in the background you see the camera man being led away by cops, weeping quietly and mumbling, "I'm sorry, I just couldn't stand it", and the cops saying, "we understand, we'll talk to the DA, should be Man 1" (a little Law and Order creeping in here - sometimes we take breaks from tennis and watch Laws and Orders).

In another version, we got really irritated with Jim Courier on CBS today, so we started to imagine Tracey and Jim in an all-out, no holds barred jailhouse blood quest death battle. Jim is talking, saying something like "Monfills should really try to play tennis better" when Tracey, motivated by who know what evil voices in her twisted, otherwise empty head, creeps up behind, picks up a heavy mike boom and WHAM! Smacks Jim in the back of the head. Blood sprays everywhere - onto the camera lens, like, in front of the players on the court (maybe that's not realistic but... it's fantasy!). But Jim is still a fit guy, and he doesn't go down easy - he grabs the complimentary pen provided for commentators to write notes like "these players are not as good as ME" on the complimentary note pads during the commercial breaks, and, even as he slumps to the ground, swings round and jabs the pen straight into Tracey's pulsating jugular vein. Blood gushes out as Tracey makes a bitchy face and says "Jim, that's all you got? You always were a pussy" - meanwhile the color drains out of her face as her life essence sprays out all over the horrified camera crew and poor Ted Robinson, who is scowling at the unprofessionalism of his pathetic actual-tennis-player colleagues. She collapses to the floor, on the way down, grabbing a heavy paper weight and bringing it down on Jim's head, splattering new waves of blood everywhere, even as he, with his last breath, snags a steak knife off the remains of the lunch spread and juts it up into Tracey's bony ribcage as she collapses down onto him, provoking new giant spurts of blood and gore.

Anyway you get the idea -not too fond of Tracey and Jim. Jimmy (Connors) and Martina on the other hand are kind of cute together.

Going - RR out

Friday, September 3, 2010

Taco Night - Mandy Minella, Dustin Brown - All The Beautiful Young People at the US Open

RR Here -

We've really been enjoying our Open but I have been scared to blog ever since P rocked the "body mooshing" post, because it was so awesome.

But life goes on so here I go. Mandy Minella is kind of hot. So I looked her up - she's from Luxembourg?? I thought she'd be from like Staten Island, or the Bronx?!? Mandy Minella? Well who knows. Maybe she moved to Luxembourg from Staten Island. I would. Not that I have anything against Staten Island - I like Staten Island. But Luxembourg is like a magic island of rich people, so who wouldn't want to be there. Oops she just lost -but great run. Qualifiers are always cute and inspiring.

Serena looks really hot. She looks pretty different. Pam is talking about it right now. I mean, she does look smoking. But different - the hair? Not sure. Can't figure it out. Anyway it's not just me, Pam said it too.

Anyway my post - Mandy Minella, Dustin Brown, that French kid that played Verdasco... who are these people? They are really good at tennis. We had a awesome time in Toronto at the Rogers because from day one, there are great matches going on, but the slams are fun for the random people you have never heard of who qualify, and once in a while make a run. And even though they are who? they are all really awesome at tennis!

Night matches at the US are fun. We have tickets for next Thursday. It's best when it gets really late and everyone is drunk and lots of people leave and you get to scootch up close and people are being all wild and weird. I liked that Djokovic talked about his weiner for example, because something about the US Open, people seem to kind of get a little wild. Like that time someone got shot when it was at Forest Hills? Maybe too much. But still, tennis' Altamont moment, and it happened in New York. YEAH!

RR out

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Hanging out on Tennis X Today

I've been posting little comments on Tennis X(click here to go to Tennis X) and not blogging here like I usually do. I find lots of the comments enjoyable and interesting and whatnot. And I do love the official posts by the people who work there, you know, the writers there. Occasionally though, I find some of the comments...alarming. I mean, who gets so enraged about other people's ideas on tennis? It's sort of scary. Really angry people scare me. Anyway, I'm reposting my "I want peace" post here below. I hope to post more much later, as I'm taping the tennis and will be watching it late at night tonight.

"Here’s what we can do to make world peace on Tennis X regarding Andrew Roddick, the tennis player. For one, from the Buddhist religion and like, Christianity and stuff, we could explore the idea that even though God made us all different, we are all, deep inside our bodies and souls, all the same and all God’s children and like, even if some of us like Roddick and some of us don’t, we’re all flesh and blood and like, mortal. Then we can do that thing “agree to disagree” really politely, like the possible presidents did when they were trying to become president. It was so cool how polite they were too each other, even though, they, like disagreed on world peace and Iraq and money and healthcare and stuff. They shook hands and smiled. Very cool. Then, we can even do that really cool thing, like just be all accepting and stuff. I don’t know. I do get angry sometimes. But mostly about things like death and rape and war and littering. But tennis? Not sure I’ve ever gotten angry about tennis. Or other people’s feelings about tennis. I do have feelings about tennis. I mostly feel excited and aroused and sad and happy and frustrated. But angry at other tennis fans? Or - I don’t know, really angry about anything tennis related? Hm.

Anyway- WORLD PEACE WORLD PEACE! Aw, I just got all happy.

Maria is playing this chick we refer to as “Bendoversova” as she gives off some serious trampy vibe. This is not a bad thing, just noticeable."

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Tipsarevic v. Roddick

Let's talk about how nuts Tipsarevic is. In Toronto, I was very excited to watch him play up close and personal because he's a true eccentric. A tattoo quoting Doestoyevsky in Japanese writing? Lots of tatts in general? Shabby looking hair and those glasses! Gosh, I bet he's a fun person with whome to pound vodka. He walks real strangely. His facial hair is all wrong. Gosh, I like him. He's sort of like me, but better at tennis. And I don't have his facial hair or tatts or wear glasses, but I am - all wrong. He reminds me of some seventies rock musician, noodling along on his guitar whilst singing deep thoughts about the universe. But I was courtside when he messed up his ankle and fell to the ground and so forth in Toronto. So I didn't get to see much of him at all.

I'm sipping a bourbon and vaping, even though I happen to know I have some cigarettes hidden in the house. Vaping is good, but not as good as smoking, even if it is actually BETTER, like, for my health, it just doesn't have the same- how to say it- way of filling my lungs up with tar and carbon monoxide that smoking does.

Mardy Fish is Anorexic

I've been watching tennis. Also, I've been napping a lot while watching tennis. Also, I've been chatting with some men I love while watching tennis, which is to say, I haven't been paying the greatest attention to the tennis. But that's OK. It's non stop tennis all day and night and so- I can't always be totally focussed and it's not as if I'm the guard man at some military base and the enemies are hiding in the bushes everywhere and so I really need to be alert or something because otherwise my comrades would die. If that were the case, I'd take speed. But it's not the case, so instead I sit around, eating egg sandwiches during the day, occasionally dosing off, and then I drink a bunch of iced tea and later I drink white wine and chain smoke and the whole time, tennis goes on and on, on my TV and also in real life, like, nearby, in Queens. By the way? It's hot as fuck out there. I feel sorry for the players. I mean, it's brutal and gross out there.

Here are some thoughts on the tennis, regardless of my not so vigilant watching.

David Nalbandian had to go to five, but- he won! I love him with all my heart. Sometimes, when he wins tournaments, which is not nearly as often as he should, I cry. I find him moving. In an alternate universe, we are soul mates.

Anyway, I like Martina's commentary even if she's sort of emotion free. At least she's not an idiot. She's just- well- aspergersy. I find it sort of charming. I have a soft spot for people with Aspergers. Also, I was looking at her- she's so strong and fit- and I thought, strangely, is she on tranquilizers? And then I realized, she just works out all the goddamn time which makes people very mellow. I'm much mellower if I work out a lot. Sigh.

Oh- now everyone is talking about how great Mardy Fish is doing and how much weight he lost and so forth- but, Dude? He looks horrible! He looks like that character Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force when the parasites eat his insides and he gets all skinny. Do you remember that episode? OK, I just found the transcript online. Click here. It was the South Bronx Parasite Diet episode. Anyway, I think Mardy Fish is anorexic. As in, probably had people shove tubes up his bottom- I think they call it colon therapy- and had his intestines vacuumed out. And then, like, only ate carrots until his hands turned orange (my sister did that once, she's crazy) and like, took lots of laxatives and drank wierd juices non stop. I mean, that is how he looks to me. He looks like he's in his fifties, too, and I happen to know he is not. So here is what I have to say- WE SHOULD STAGE AN INTERVENTION FOR MARDY. Right? Are you with me people? Shove some hamburgers down him. Like, tackle him and sit on his chest and shove hamburgers down him. Sheesh. I'll need some help with this plan, so, I'll be looking for volunteers to help me. Mardy needs us, people. Soon he'll disappear altogether if we don't help him. Juliana Hatfield has a song about her struggles with anorexia called "I'm Disappearing" on her new record, Peace and Love. It's a sad song. It's sad to not eat. I, eat. A lot. I'm the opposite of my sister, I suffer from gluttony, instead of anorexia. Hm, maybe if Mardy and I, like, in an alternate universe or on the planet Mars, mooshed our bodies and minds together and like, became one mooshed together person and then, like, later split into two different people again, but with part of my gluttony combined with part of his anorexia each split into the different people (but he would still have his boy parts and I would still have my girl parts, that wouldn't get all martiany split up) then- we'd be -- better! He'd be less gaunt and old seeming and like, bony, and I'd be less inclined to eat large quantities of oysters, steaks, hot dogs, hamburgers and so on. And life would be better for both of us. Thanks to the greatness of Mars and the way things are different there and you can do things like body mooshing.

Poor Azarenka. They just wheel chaired her out. She looked like hell. And you know, it's not just fitness! I do think fitness helps one deal with heat, but some people just are built differently, and some of the people- Azarenka is one of them and Djokovic is another-get ILL from heat. It's awful to watch. And its not fitness. It's genetic. It's 104 degrees on the court.

Ok. More soon.

Yours Truly,