Me, Watching Tennis

Me, Watching Tennis
Me, Watching Tennis

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Djokovic vs. Blake: Butt Battle! And, Tracey Austin Torn Apart by Wild Dogs

It's Djokovic and Blake, and man, these guys have giant asses.

Blake's is immediately evident. It fills up half the TV screen. We are in the country, where our TV is smaller, but I don't think that makes a difference. I think on our big TV it would be even bigger! Ginormous butt, a tennis-engine butt machine shooshing him around the court.

Djokovic, today it is not quite as overwhelmingly evident on the TV - but P tells me that in person playing doubles in Canada, his butt was like a giant shelf you could put your things on - keys, wallet, the mail, a few chotchkys, a picture of your mum, etc. And, bent over and waiting for the return, he held it still, so the things would not fall off if you put them there, not like Clijsters, who wags her rear around whilst waiting to return.

Tennis is a Metaphor for Life (aka Must Watch Tennis all The Time) has produced brave reporting on tennis players' asses before - read more here.

Butts, butts, butts.

Anyway, in other news, whenever we've been watching the Tennis channel, we've indulged in detailed fantasies about horrible, violent things happening to Tracey Austin. In one version, one of the camera men dropped his camera, so it was like lying on the ground showing a sideways shot, and he ran after Tracey screaming "Shut the fuck up, you idiot, I've been listening to your stupid shit all day and I can't take it any more!" Blood splatters around the room, and Tracey's face falls to the ground in front of the abandoned camera, THUNK! Then in the background you see the camera man being led away by cops, weeping quietly and mumbling, "I'm sorry, I just couldn't stand it", and the cops saying, "we understand, we'll talk to the DA, should be Man 1" (a little Law and Order creeping in here - sometimes we take breaks from tennis and watch Laws and Orders).

In another version, we got really irritated with Jim Courier on CBS today, so we started to imagine Tracey and Jim in an all-out, no holds barred jailhouse blood quest death battle. Jim is talking, saying something like "Monfills should really try to play tennis better" when Tracey, motivated by who know what evil voices in her twisted, otherwise empty head, creeps up behind, picks up a heavy mike boom and WHAM! Smacks Jim in the back of the head. Blood sprays everywhere - onto the camera lens, like, in front of the players on the court (maybe that's not realistic but... it's fantasy!). But Jim is still a fit guy, and he doesn't go down easy - he grabs the complimentary pen provided for commentators to write notes like "these players are not as good as ME" on the complimentary note pads during the commercial breaks, and, even as he slumps to the ground, swings round and jabs the pen straight into Tracey's pulsating jugular vein. Blood gushes out as Tracey makes a bitchy face and says "Jim, that's all you got? You always were a pussy" - meanwhile the color drains out of her face as her life essence sprays out all over the horrified camera crew and poor Ted Robinson, who is scowling at the unprofessionalism of his pathetic actual-tennis-player colleagues. She collapses to the floor, on the way down, grabbing a heavy paper weight and bringing it down on Jim's head, splattering new waves of blood everywhere, even as he, with his last breath, snags a steak knife off the remains of the lunch spread and juts it up into Tracey's bony ribcage as she collapses down onto him, provoking new giant spurts of blood and gore.

Anyway you get the idea -not too fond of Tracey and Jim. Jimmy (Connors) and Martina on the other hand are kind of cute together.

Going - RR out

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