Me, Watching Tennis

Me, Watching Tennis
Me, Watching Tennis

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Mardy Fish is Anorexic

I've been watching tennis. Also, I've been napping a lot while watching tennis. Also, I've been chatting with some men I love while watching tennis, which is to say, I haven't been paying the greatest attention to the tennis. But that's OK. It's non stop tennis all day and night and so- I can't always be totally focussed and it's not as if I'm the guard man at some military base and the enemies are hiding in the bushes everywhere and so I really need to be alert or something because otherwise my comrades would die. If that were the case, I'd take speed. But it's not the case, so instead I sit around, eating egg sandwiches during the day, occasionally dosing off, and then I drink a bunch of iced tea and later I drink white wine and chain smoke and the whole time, tennis goes on and on, on my TV and also in real life, like, nearby, in Queens. By the way? It's hot as fuck out there. I feel sorry for the players. I mean, it's brutal and gross out there.

Here are some thoughts on the tennis, regardless of my not so vigilant watching.

David Nalbandian had to go to five, but- he won! I love him with all my heart. Sometimes, when he wins tournaments, which is not nearly as often as he should, I cry. I find him moving. In an alternate universe, we are soul mates.

Anyway, I like Martina's commentary even if she's sort of emotion free. At least she's not an idiot. She's just- well- aspergersy. I find it sort of charming. I have a soft spot for people with Aspergers. Also, I was looking at her- she's so strong and fit- and I thought, strangely, is she on tranquilizers? And then I realized, she just works out all the goddamn time which makes people very mellow. I'm much mellower if I work out a lot. Sigh.

Oh- now everyone is talking about how great Mardy Fish is doing and how much weight he lost and so forth- but, Dude? He looks horrible! He looks like that character Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force when the parasites eat his insides and he gets all skinny. Do you remember that episode? OK, I just found the transcript online. Click here. It was the South Bronx Parasite Diet episode. Anyway, I think Mardy Fish is anorexic. As in, probably had people shove tubes up his bottom- I think they call it colon therapy- and had his intestines vacuumed out. And then, like, only ate carrots until his hands turned orange (my sister did that once, she's crazy) and like, took lots of laxatives and drank wierd juices non stop. I mean, that is how he looks to me. He looks like he's in his fifties, too, and I happen to know he is not. So here is what I have to say- WE SHOULD STAGE AN INTERVENTION FOR MARDY. Right? Are you with me people? Shove some hamburgers down him. Like, tackle him and sit on his chest and shove hamburgers down him. Sheesh. I'll need some help with this plan, so, I'll be looking for volunteers to help me. Mardy needs us, people. Soon he'll disappear altogether if we don't help him. Juliana Hatfield has a song about her struggles with anorexia called "I'm Disappearing" on her new record, Peace and Love. It's a sad song. It's sad to not eat. I, eat. A lot. I'm the opposite of my sister, I suffer from gluttony, instead of anorexia. Hm, maybe if Mardy and I, like, in an alternate universe or on the planet Mars, mooshed our bodies and minds together and like, became one mooshed together person and then, like, later split into two different people again, but with part of my gluttony combined with part of his anorexia each split into the different people (but he would still have his boy parts and I would still have my girl parts, that wouldn't get all martiany split up) then- we'd be -- better! He'd be less gaunt and old seeming and like, bony, and I'd be less inclined to eat large quantities of oysters, steaks, hot dogs, hamburgers and so on. And life would be better for both of us. Thanks to the greatness of Mars and the way things are different there and you can do things like body mooshing.

Poor Azarenka. They just wheel chaired her out. She looked like hell. And you know, it's not just fitness! I do think fitness helps one deal with heat, but some people just are built differently, and some of the people- Azarenka is one of them and Djokovic is another-get ILL from heat. It's awful to watch. And its not fitness. It's genetic. It's 104 degrees on the court.

Ok. More soon.

Yours Truly,


Ampersand said...

I want to learn more about this "mooshing". It's some kind of scientific breakthrough, that they only have on Mars? I can think of many uses for this new technology.

paula said...

I can't really be sure, RR, as I haven't spent a lot of time on Mars nor have a spent a lot of time with the scientific community here on earth that looks into those things. But, it's still interesting to wonder and I have no doubt that life on Mars in very different that life here, because, like, it's a different planet. Anyway, body mooshing is sort of like when they mix sperm and an egg in a dish and make a baby out of it, except that we're dealing with full grown people. I think it's a good idea for helping with problems like gluttony and anorexia, for instance. Mardy Fish would indeed benefit.

paula said...

Also, it looks so hot and miserable out there at the US Open. It's almost unpleasant to watch.

Anonymous said...

Glad you can join us at tennis-x. We need your input.

paula said...

Thanks Anon! I do love watching tennis and talking about it. But as you can see, I don't take it very seriously.

Anonymous said...

Hi Paula
Are you a Nole fan? I saw your post over a TennisX and will bookmark your blog.

paula said...

Sar-I am a Nole fan. I've had the great pleasure to chat with him once, however briefly. He's charming. I love watching him play, too- he's so great out on the court. I'm also a fan of many other players- I really only dislike a very few. Thanks for bookmarking my site. As you can see, it's very silly.

Anonymous said...

Hi Paula, I agree with sar; your input is valued. Your blog is also hilarious. Keep up the great work. What is "vaping"?

paula said...

Hey, thanks anon! Stop by anytime!
I have to say, I find the whole "its not the heat" conversation at tennis x very confusing. Concussion withstanding, Azarenka had bags of ice all over her neck. The heat is dangerous today, too. My sons' track team has been moved indoors.

Vaping is a form of smoke free smoking. It's just nicotine in a vapor form. It's far less bad than smoking, as there is no tar or carbon monoxide. I don't enjoy it as much as real cigs, but I also don't want to die, so I try to vape.


bloop bloop

paula said...

that is the sound of bodies mooshing on Mars.