Friday, September 27, 2013
Today I'm gonna share something awesome with you. Dan Kim is a great artist from Canada, and he recently had a Kickstarter fundraising campaign for his new book. One of the rewards for donating was that Dan would draw you an original sketch of your favourite waifu, a female character of your choice. Most normal people picked cartoon or comic book characters, but for my waifu I asked if I could choose my favourite tennis player Alizé Cornet. Am I a weirdo?
Alizé has actually had a decent season this year for once. She won a title on clay in Strasbourg, made the 3rd round at 3 of the Slams and is ranked 28 in the world right now, her highest in years. She still has a lot of French attitude and a very pretty nose.
Anyway here is Dan's picture of Alizé. Isn't it the greatest thing you ever saw in your whole life? I could gaze at it all day, and I do, I stuck it up on the wall above my drawing table. Srsly, am I a weirdo?
You can find more of Dan Kim's art at www.clone-army.org.
Let's blog again real soon!
PS: Have you seen Eugenie Bouchard the 19 year old from Canada? She is a total babe.
Monday, September 9, 2013
I don't know who I want to win. I love them both. Dearly.
Has anyone else noted that Nadal is losing some hair there on the top- it's thinning. I may have mentioned that before, because one thing this blog is good for is- repetition. I want to have sex with tennis players! I am drinking an adult beverage! My animals make my house smell bad!
OK, Nole. Not losing any hair. In fact, he has a virtual Brillo pad on his head. Think how useful that would be. First, you could watch him play tennis (like I am now), then you could make him have sex with you, or that would be ideal, and then you could use his head to wash the dishes. OMG. That would be three great things in a row, or in any order, not necessarily in a row.
Now- let's talk about Nadal.
Oh wait, I gotta say this is turning into a great match and the ralleys are AMAZING.
OK, back to Nadal. Now, his hair IS thinning. But so is Rick Rock's the man of the house here and sometimes contributor, and that doesn't bother me a bit. And so was this ex boyfriend's of mine in college- it in no way affected our ability to be "close" nor did it destroy my attraction to him. In fact, if he were here right now, I would hit on him, because I don't like his wife and I have good memories of him and I bet he's still hot - he married her right after me! Anyway, back to Nadal. Good lord he is so handsome and talented and rich. And so SPANISH. As followers of this blog now, I used to live in Spain and LOVE Spanish men, although I was 18 at the time and didn't bang one Spanish dude because Americans had the rep to be sluts and I didn't want to be thought of as a slut. God, how I regret that now. Who the fuck cares if someone thinks you are a slut in a foreign country when you are 18? If only my 45 year old self could inhabit my 18 year old self- I would have banged some HOT Spanish dudes.
Nole is trying to turn this around. Too bad Mary Carillo hasn't become a mute. Wow, that was rough. I don't really want her to lose the ability to speak, but you know- she's awful.
OK, I just baked a chicken and fed my family. We had some asparagus and rice, too. At dinner, once the conversation turned to dicks, and how smoking makes you turn to dick sucking, which then makes you start taking harder drugs because you are sad you are sucking dick - anyway, why are adolescent boys obsessed with their dicks? And why is Rick Rock, who is 45, an adolescent boy? And why were we talking about gateway drugs and why did this lead to non stop penis talk? I mean, I never care about those things, as this blog attests. When have I ever mentioned the male anatomy? Sometimes, it's hard to be the only lady in the house.
I might start watching this on fast forward as I hate to be behind. I used to watch tennis on fast forward a lot because I watched TENNIS ALL THE TIME. I don't do that anymore. My life got busy in mostly bad ways, but also some good ways.
Rafa just fell and - he's so cute.
I like Rafa's outfit a little bit better than Nole's. But don't tell Nole that in case I stand a chance? OK? Thanks.
Rick Rock is perving on Rafa's sister. He said, "I've watched her grow up into a fine young woman." That was a little too Law and Order SVU for me ( I usually call that show, which I watch all the time "SUV" just to be dyslexic and also SUV is a common "word". It just flow better.)
I'm a little behind- been taping it, had to feed the dick obsessed wierdos in my house- but more soon!
Just when I thought Nole was going to take over, Rafa turns into a crazed tennis genius and takes the third set. I wish I were his towel. I could be his towel! Just that, really, not more, just that thing he rubs all over his arms and sometimes other parts of his body. OK, now I want to be the tennis balls. They go inside the pockets of BOTH tennis players! They get to soak up some sweat. They're right next to some seriously important anatomy of the tennis players. They get squeezed by the hands of both Nadal and Nole. Oh, yeah, I am a tennis ball- sort of all Yoda like. Remember Yoda? He had this whole "saying" thing which was deep and mysterious and transported himself out of dumb reality into something awesome and powerful? I AM THE TENNIS BALL. Squeeze me, put me next to your junk, then hit me a lot. Hm. The last part- not so sure of. But I was just riffing.
Oh shit, 3-0 Rafa in the fourth.I am having a vodka on ice. For some reason, I keep dripping onto my shirt. It sort of looks like when you breastfeed and your milk leaks. Not a good look. Thank God Rafa and Nole can't see me. It also looks like Azarenka yesterday. She had terrible boob sweat circles. Maybe that's why she lost? Serena has an iron bra holding up her huge, amazing breasts, each breast bigger than the size of my head. No sweat is getting through an iron bra.
Oh fuck, Nole is not hitting so well. He has played soo much more tennis this tournament.He might need me to console him. I will. I would, in a heartbeat, in a vodka wet T-shirt, bad boob circle (although unlike Azarenka, only one boob is getting the circle of wetness) shirt, give him my consolation. I guess I could take off my shirt? I should take it off- I lifted weights with my amazing trainer, and it was disgusting to begin with.
It's 5-1 now. AAWWW.
I'm wearing my Strassburg Sock.
I highly recommend if you have Plantar Fascc-my-foot-hurts. It really helps.
Championship point. So sad. So great? So great. So confused. I love tennis.
I need to clean up dog pee. My three legged dog pees everwhere. OHHH! Go Rafa! Nole - I love you. What a great handshake! Rafa- oh shit. Rafa is crying. I might cry.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Lots of talk about intense relationships with Daddy. Bartoli fired her daddy but here he is, watching. I had an intense relationship with my dad. Thank God I never had to fire him. Serena, Maria, Bartoli- all had to fire their dads and it was always the right thing to do, even though their dads MADE them. Life is strange.
I can't believe Lisicki isn't barfing or crying. I would do both. I would do both - or I do do both- even when I am not playing a final at Wimbledon. Actually, I haven't barfed in a long time. But I cry pretty regularly. Pretty sure I would barf if I was playing some tennis final though. And cry.
Two things- I sort of hate the dude who is commentating. But I like "Chrissie". First of all, how is a grown woman, who, by the way, is aging beautifully, I don't see any weird surgery going on in her face or arms or anywhere, goes by the name "Chrissie?" I love it. I'm an old lady and I prefer to have sort of little girl nicknames. I think that's normal. Let's pretend we are not getting old and dying! Let's have baby names!
Well, Bartoli is being more consistent. Not surprising. Aw. Lisicki! Where is your serve?
ROWAN! He just said- Bartoli is beating Lisicki like a drum.
Rowan is right! It's not fun to watch. Chrissie called her spent from the other matches. I think she just doesn't have the experience. Bartoli does. But really, if Lisicki had her game on, this would be a better match.
Second set. Come on Lisicki. Make this second set a match! I am awake and I am NEVER awake at this hour. You owe me, girl.
She just made a cute face. That's encouraging. I've had two cups of coffee and I usually only am allowed a half cup because otherwise I get all insane and my family gets worried. But HEY- it's the women's FINAL. Therefore, I get to be insane! And fuck my family! Yeah, that's right, deal with my overcaffienated ass!
Here's something- Chris Fowler used to make me want to strangle him. I totally like Chrissie. I feel like the fact that Fowler has gone grey-perhaps age? perhaps something shitty in his life happened?- has made him less of an asshole. Sorry, Chris, if your dad died or something awful happened, but you seem less of a dick than you used to be. And that I appreciate. Can we also be happy that Tracy Austin is not in the box. She makes me grind my teeth with rage.
Go Go Go- Lisicki! Make this a match!!!
By the way, if I manage to blog- think I'm going to make Rowan and Mike do it- during the men's final- but if I do manage- I will be also having sex with myself the whole time whilst watching those two totally fine dudes hit little balls at each other which is sort of like trying to get the sperm in the lady part- and it's just so sexy. Makes me think of an essay that Gary Amdahl sent me recently about hockey and sex. But that was good sports writing and I try very hard- oh wait, no I don't try hard- to be the world's shittiest sports writer. Which brings me to the great writer, who I do admire and he deserves all his accolades, minus the shit talk from his ex girlfriend who I now hate, Mary Carr, - DFW- yeah, I can't spell his name out at this second- writing about Federer for the- NEW YORK TIMES. God, that piece made my lady boner go away. It was not good. People loved it. I didn't. It wasn't fun. Sometimes, taking yourself too seriously makes people laugh at you, not with you and maybe that is a risk we all should take from time to time. But not about tennis.
Once, and you could find it somewhere on this blog, I was at the US Open on a back court and watched Bartoli play and there really is something you see up close that the TV is not showing. Her angles? With her crazy two handed thingy on both sides? It's INTENSE. It's special.
But I'm so sad about Lisicki. She's just sucking right now. I really hope she doesn't cry. I might cry for her. Would that help? Can I suck the bad emotion of stress and fear and waah from her? Trying to channel across the ocean to Lisicki, trying to suck the bad away sort of like you suck venom out of your friend after they got bit by a snake.
Oh shit. 4-1 in the second. My venom sucking is not working. Maybe I need more coffee. I'm surprised - as I mentioned- that Chris Fowler is not being the dick he usually is. Maybe because there isn't another man in the box with him?
God, this is sad. Poor Lisicki. Tennis is so mental. And Lisicki mind is going "I'm fucking losing".
Bartoli is basically fucking everything. Swinging her dick left and right and straight at you. Also, did I say this is painful. Oh shit. I can barely watch. I hate a blow out. Is that the word? Blow out. Who knows. I'm going to drink more coffee and become more brain damaged.
I like that they keep showing Mauresmo. LOVE her. If I were a lesbian, which I am not, I would totally let her go down on me. In fact, I would let her go down on me even though I am not a lesbian. Even, like, right now. As long as she kept her lady parts away from me. I guess that would be a "bad deal" on her part. That's why I would be a bad lesbian. It would have to be a totally one sided relationship.
Just gonna say a normal tennis thing- Lisicki has always been streaky. And I don't mean her hair. And it's making her suck right now.
I'm gonna watch for a minute- be right back.
Bartoli is panicking. But I don't have a lot of faith in Lisicki - yet. She could change that. Oh, gonna drink more coffee. Why not finish off the pot?
She just did it!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Heeey Rowan here, I told Paula I was gonna post something about the Auckland WTA and ATP tournaments, which took place just before the Aussie Open, then I forgot, then I remembered, so here you go.
We had a great field for the women’s tournament this year, with Sharapova, Kuznetsova and Safina all coming for the first time. Defending champ Yanina Wickmayer was there too, and she got Safina in the first round, ouch, but she came through in a good three setter. Kuz lost to Peng Shuai (happy Chinese New Year everyobdy!) in the second round and Sharapova lost to Greta Arn (who?) in the quarters, but it was nice to see them live and in person. Poor old Maria, she’ll always have that never give up attitude but she still has some big issues with her game. Plus sexy German Julia Goerges was wearing the same outfit as Maria and filled it out better than she did. Not Maria’s week.
Lots of sightings of Alize Cornet and her nose which made me happy. She came back from a set and 2-5 down to win her first round match in three sets, screaming things in French all the way. She lost to Goerges in the second round but then made the semis in the doubles, where she was nice enough to lose to hometown Kiwi Marina Erakovic. Merci Alizé, à la prochaine.
In the end Greta Arn (who?) won the whole tournament (what?) beating Wickmayer in the final. See if something like this happened in professional wrestling, I mean an unknown midcarder getting a series of impressive upset victories, then you can bet the matchmakers in the back would have a plan for this person. This would be the beginning of what we wrestling fans call a push, the first step on Greta Arn’s road to becoming a championship contender. But unfortunately tennis is not like wrestling, and this Greta Arn victory will probably not lead to anything at all. This is part one in a twelve part series called Why Wrestling Is Almost Better Than Tennis. Nah I’m just playing. Twelve parts is too much.
In the men’s tournament we had Ferrer, Nalbandian, Isner, Robredo and other solid guys. Nalbandian looked really good all week, he dismantled John Isner’s giant serve and deconstructed Nicolas Almagro’s fiery one handed backhand. But then he forgot how to play tennis in the final against Ferrer and lost 63 62, it was a bit of a let down. See if this was wrestling, Ferrer and Nalbandian would have put on a 45 minute best two out of three falls classic. The young top ten lion Ferrer would have won in the end, but not without a heck of a battle. Nalbandian’s valiant losing effort (during which he would have got busted open and bled all over the ring, and the referee would have said, David I'm gonna have to stop it, but Nalby would have shouted DON'T YOU DARE STOP THIS MATCH, and Ferrer would have been reluctant to keep beating up on his wounded opponent, but Nalby would have slapped his face and told him to bring it, and then they would have wrestled another twenty minutes until Ferrer finally eked out the win) would have done more for his standing than any victory, as he would have won the hearts of the fans and shown that he is on his way back to the top ten and one final shot at the world heavyweight championship that has eluded him throughout his storied career. Or at least a run with the tag team championships. I mean Davis Cup.
Happy 2011 everybody! It's gonna be a good season, I can feel it.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Hi everybody. My name is Mike Young, and Paula is graciously letting me liveblog. What I mean is that I promised I would live blog the Australian Open Final if Murray got into it, so here I am. My friend Jack and I are sitting in his house, surrounded by ice and snow and weird hipsters walking home from Saturday night doo-wap dancing. We have coffee and Ezra Brooks whiskey. Jack is explaining to me that the Woz told everybody a kangaroo bit her. Now he is talking about how his wife looks like Kim Clijsters, and his wife is deeply asleep in the other room. Meanwhile, ESPN is showing really melodramatic close-ups of Andy Murray's chin scraggle.
Man, some kid's Make-a-Wish was to get a picture with the finalists at the Australian Open? Also, he looks like a Djokovic fan.
Just to let Paula's fans down early: we are not going to talk about how attractive Murray or Djokovic are until after we drink a lot more whiskey. Also the announcers really like Djokovic because one of the announcers sounds Australian, and Australians resent people from Great Britain because Australia used to be a giant jail. Jack says Murray is going to win because he's wearing green.
Brad Gilbert is talking about how he got the chance to sit down exclusively and touch Djokovic's knee. Wait, the match just started. Jack is going to make sure we have enough muffins.
Djokovic just won the first game. We are talking about the dead spot controversy. We've concluded that tennis has the furriest ball of any major professional pursuit, and also the bounciest. Djokovic's dad isn't wearing the Shirt, which makes Jack sad. What Shirt? Look to your left.
Jack says Murray likes to get beat early because that makes him want it more later. I said that's very British of him. I have a feeling this liveblong is going to get more and more offensive as we go. I accidentally just typed blong. Murray might get broken in his first game. Or maybe not. They just exchanged massive cross-court forehands and Murray won the point. Our other friend Sean hasn't shown up yet, and he is rooting for the Joker, so he will provide exciting narrative tension. ESPN just showed a close up of Murray's face and we laughed and Jack said "Rat grimace." We are wondering if the Australian Open rubberized courts are even faster than the U.S. Open hardcourts, but this live blog is too important to interrupt with research.
Jack says the ball-kids at the Australian Open are faster than any other major. I said I want video review for a lot of things in my life. Murray still hasn't won his first goddamn service game.
Murray took five deuces to hold his first service game. To celebrate, here is a picture of Murray attacking his girlfriend's nose:
Jack and I agree that this is probably the last Australian Open for a while because the world next year will be embroiled in nuclear war, or gone completely, after Egypt collapses, and then every other country in the Middle East collapses, and then Israel drops a bunch of bombs on any sandy spots it can find. Also we also agree that maybe the Australian ball kids look faster because of their floppy yellow hats. Also we're eating oranges, even though it's 5 degrees outside in Massachusetts, which doesn't have a lot of orange trees. We figure this is maybe the third to last month we'll get to eat oranges before the world collapses.
Murray is looking a little better, wearing the Joker down, just made a very regal overhead smash. One of the announcers just said "These guys have two hands." Whoa, Murray just went from scrambling defense to a killer cross-court backhand.
They're staying on serve, some exciting rallies, not a ton. The announcer just said "Flowing brown and nasty." Jack and I are talking about the function of cataloging in prose, James Agee and Stanley Crawford, but I at least am getting a little incoherent. If Jack is feeling incoherent, he is masking it with enthusiasm. Now we are fantasizing that Jack's wife will sleepwalk to the grocery store and buy bacon and then cook the bacon for us. Murray's foreheads really hug the net, and when Djokovic hits something really hard he looks like he's about to kill a bird with mild regret. Also Djokovic is making some dumb errors.
ESPN just interrupted the match to show a video of a girl jogging to court with new rackets. If the first set stays on pace, it will have taken about an hour and a half. The announcer just said "You're not buying the buddies thing."
Jack just said Murray is Micky Ward and Djokovic is Dickie Eklund.
Djokovic is two points away from breaking Murray and winning the set. Now when he is hitting big balls and working Murray all around the court, his close-up face looks like he is making one of those high pitched "wise guy eh?" jokes and he is relishing the opportunity to make this joke. The rallies are getting kind of insanely good now.
Djokovic just broke Murray and won the first set. Murray needs to stop playing defense, man. He reminds me of that guy who waits until a girl he likes in high school is collecting Social Security and vacationing in a raft on a lake in Maine before finally telling her he likes her.
Murray just got broken again trying to make a too cute forehead drop shot. ESPN keeps showing slo-mo shots of Djokovic's legs. If anybody has a calf fetish, they are getting their money's worth.
Murray is falling apart! Awful unforced errors. Also there is a Serbian in the crowd wearing a singlet.
Murray showing some life down 1-5 in the second set. Djokovic is squeezing his eyes together with his fingers, say the announcers. Wait, Murray is squeezing his eyes. But Djokovic wears contacts. I can't keep up. Murray just broke Djokovic. Down 2-5 now. Now there is a bowling commercial. Jack just made a Karate Kid reference. We both agree that if someone wanted to make us bacon and eggs we wouldn't be like "No thank you, we don't want bacon and eggs," we would be like "Hell yeah, gimme dem bacon and eggs."
Djokovic just won the second set. Melbourne, Australia had a confusing commercial for itself with some girl meeting herself in a puddle? There are some orange peels near my gloves.
Murray has a break point. The announcers just said "The dark side." Jack said "Negative energy capacity." Boom, great forehand down the line from Murray, and a surprising winner after a series of defensive plunkies, but he found his spot. Murray up a break in the third set. He keeps shushing his camp. We think maybe he's high.
The announcers just said, of Murray's mom, "Judy was a player but she never really made it on tour," and we thought it sounded like a Belle & Sebastian song. Until tonight I thought Andy Murray was Welsh for some reason? Of course he is Scottish, duh.
Murray keeps going for this inside out backhand down the line and missing it wide. The announcers just said "Lots of F words from Murray on the court. He always says focus." He just biffed a backhand at deuce and gave Djokovic a break point. Okay, another ace to get back to deuce. In my experience it's a bad sign when somebody is hanging on by their aces. Jack just said "Where is his dad?" Murray just made a bad drop shot, lost the point on a cutesy lob, and got back to deuce on another serve. Then another shitty backhand into the net. The announcers are saying Murray's mom is a better competitor than he is.
Finally Murray nailed that inside out backhand. Jack used a Jewish Mom accent to talk about Murray's mom. Murray's mom made a fist pump. We are almost out of whiskey. Ad Murray. He just biffed a slice backhand into the net. Jack just said "You piece of shit." Murray needs to stop checking replays and start playing some goddamn tennis.
Djokovic just did a great job staying in the point and making a killer forehand down the line. It's all over but the Scottish eggs, folks. I call Murray losing in three, winning maybe one more game. 4, 2, 2 is my prediction.
Braveheart, more like LAMEHEART. Announcers actually made a William Wallace/Braveheart reference, saying William Wallace needs to come back from the dead and dunk Murray in a bucket of blue warpaint. Actually I made that up. They said something boring.
Jack has added a Scottish burr to his Jewish mom accent, and it seems to be working. Murray just broke Nole to bring things back on serve.
I don't like how mean Murray is to his camp. I do like the guy with the sunglasses in Djokovic's camp. Now there is a very sad SPCA commercial.
Every time Nole lands a fluky-ass lob, Murray doesn't capitalize and lets him back in the point and ends up losing the point. Not to say that Djokovic isn't landing some huge shots, covering tons of ground, having an amazing service game (70% first serves in!), and nailing all his spots.
Djokovic broke Murray AGAIN. All he needs to do is hold serve to win the whole blooming onion. The whole Vegemite factory.
Tournament point for the Jokuh.
That's it. Into the net from Murray and Djokovic wins his second Australian Open. He's giving away his shoes into the crowd. Holy shit he's giving everything away. He just grabbed Murray's mom and threw her into the crowd, and she was already in the crowd.
Final score: 6-4, 6-2. 6-3. Man. What a bummer. Not really even all that exciting of a match. Gonna finish this whiskey and go home in the cold, cold dawn. The TV just said "It would just break his funky little heart." Next week there will be more snow! Thank you Paula for letting me live blog, thanks to Jack for provision of house and muffins, and congratulations to Djokovic fans worldwide. Your boy has very symmetrical chest hair.