Berdych upsets Federer

I'm having a Gin martini. I have no idea whether or not Gin should actually be capitalized, but it looks right to me this way. I want to have sex with Andy Murray and not only because he's winning-- really, I don't get the hots for the winners as much as for, well, certain men, as evident by my love for Nalbandian and Ginepri and even, I don't know, Gabashvili--but Murray has grown up. He is losing his boyishness. Also, he has that English/Scottish/Whatever thing of having a sort of thin face, curly brown hair, sort of Asberger'sy personality-- in other words, he reminds me of Rick Rock and some other hot men I'm hot for. And I- I LOVE MEN. Although, I loved boys when I was a girl. So, um, whatever.

Berdych -when he beat the Fed at the Olympics--really pulled off a crazier upset in some ways that time. He was very young, Fed was very dominant- whereas Fed has been struggling this year a bit--but still- HOLY SHIT. I also think that the Pironkova upset was more alarming than the Fed loss because---Berdych has had some crazy wins- beating Nadal in Madrid, beating, well, Fed more than once--and he's known as an underachiever. Also, he's really smoking hot. I wrote about how the combo of Nadal and Berdych were sort of like, having vanilla AND chocolate ice cream here. But the Bulgarian Pironkova? I may spellcheck her name later. Sorry people. Anyway, even though I remember her win over Venus very well- because it was wierd- but this win was even wierder. Firstly, on grass, no one is as dominant as Venus. Secondly- Pironkova- even if she totally fucked up my racquet brackets for a while because I bet on her a lot after she beat Venus that other time-- is no Berdych. People do NOT talk about her! She isn't known, like him, as an underachiever. Also-- Jesus!- she threw SOOO much crap. That forehand slice? I mean, it worked. But- it reminded me of this 8 year old that played against my son at this tournament in Pennsylvania. Now, mind you, she backs up all those junk shots with great serving and some nice solid groundstrokes. But still- a shocker.

Wow. I just talked about tennis WAAAY more than I usually do. And the wierd thing is, I got all inspired to blog because I was watching the ESPN little "deep mini-show showcasing one player, with very silly romantic language and slow mo action and awesomely handsome shots" about Murray, and I got, I must admit, very aroused. But to be honest, I get aroused sometimes when I open up my Yahoo browser, in anticipation of this one really hot guy chatting with me. Sigh. That was a joke?

What else? I just got really embarrassed and distracted by that last proper sentence- where I confessed. Oh! I know! I actually want Murray to win, and I wanted him to win before I got all aroused by him, because it would be really cool for a "Brit" to win for the first time in soooooo long. Even if he is a Scot. Also, his brother Jamie is smoking HOT. And flirty- have you seen him play mixed doubles? LOVE him. ALSO-- Andy Murray- years ago, but I'm old as shit, so it seems like yesterday--won my fave local Challenger, the Binghamton Challenger!! I think that is cool. Although I must mention that he was horrible, cursing out the local ball kids, and even had to apologize when he accepted his championship check and so forth. I guess, at least he apologized. I'm confused. It's like- if we were on earth and life was normal, I'd still sort of hate Murray and find him "eh", but instead, we're on MARS and the whole world is wierd and strange and Mars-like, and I have the hots for a somewhat medium-attractive man who is known to yell at ball kids, instead of the Spanish Stallion, Nadal, so well mannered and really God given sexually attractive, and the planet I live on is Red, and like, really hot, and further from the the Sun, and so - everything is really strange and wrong and upside down and yet, still beautiful, because we are alive!

Yours Truly,

Paula

ROUND OF SIXTEEN, WIMBLEDON 2010

I was trying to type Wimbledon 2010 but I had my caps lock on and 2010 looked like this- @)!). Pretty cool, right? I'm drinking Gin. Some guy named Lu is ahead of Roddick here. I don't care about Roddick. I realize his wife is beautiful, but- eh, Roddick doesn't do it for me. Now, clearly, Roddick does it for Brooklyn (his wife) and so that is great. But it can't be just his good looks- I mean, is he handsome? OK, I guess he is-- but also, he's very, very successful even if he's only won one Grand Slam. He's rich and shit and in the grand scheme of things, doing well in his career. And I've heard he really likes that she has a career, which involves oiling herself up half naked and pressing her scantily dressed boobs together. Man, what I would do to have that be my job, because that is what I do by myself pretty much everday anyway, you know, just for laughs. Oh wait, I have no job. Wait, where was I going with this?

Roddick just hit a dropper and didn't follow it in, but won the point anyway. Hm. Very tight here in a tiebreaker in the fourth.

I loved Venus in the press conference. The English audience sucks. Almost as bad as the French.

I have no cigarettes. This is good for my health, but makes me sad.

Lu is playing well- but someone said about him, " great awareness to take that floater out of the air" - um, not so hard to call. Oops. This is going to a fifth? OK. Fifth.

What is up with Kvitova kicking Wozniaki's ass? A BAGEL. After bagelling Azarenka.

Murray beat Querrey-- I sort of want him to win the whole thing.

Soderling beat my boyfriend, Ferrer.

What else? Where is Mars? Mars usually comes into play when I comment on tennis. Today- well, tonight, Mars is not talking to me- yet.

Nadal is playing Mathieu. Two SUPER hotties. Mathieu is French. I like Nadal better- I mean, sexually--but I would not kick Paul (Mathieu) out of bed for eating crackers. Or for, I don't know, burping. Or for, I don't know, being covered in sweat. Or for, I don't know , being covered in dog hair. Or for- well, let's say- not making love to me. Let's say he just wanted to lie down next to me and watch a Law and Order. I'd be fine with that. Or wanted to watch a Discovery Channel show about MARS. Oh yes! Mars! Phew. Thought I wouldn't get Mars in here.

Nadal got fined for coaching. Now, I've watched many, many matches where the Spanish guys curse worse than sailors, worse than me!, and talk at their boxes. But- I speak Spanish- never have I heard one word of coaching. It's all, " Mother of whore, what the hell is wrong with me, Holy Ghost (Ostia)" and then their coaches say, " Don't worry, just fight, come on, hold it together". But- no one understands what they are saying. So- worries about coaching. I do think- no coaching happened. Ideally, they were saying, "I really want to get off this court and have a three hour dinner with that blogger who loves me, and afterward, make sweet love to her" and then the coach says, "eh, just win first, then I'll get you some hot chick your age to give you what you want, so no worries, just, you know, play tennis". Also, I get very confused about coach and couch. I mean, I am a bad speller. And - well. I mean the guy who tells the player what to do, not the place I am reclined on right now.

OK. More soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

THE ROUND OF SIXTEEN IS COMING UPON US

The best round of tennis. The perfect amount of tennis for one day of tennis watching. People fighting to get into the second week.

Right now, it's still the third round. But soon enough.

Ferrer and Chardy -- now these are two very attractive tennis players. Ferrer- whom I have walked by in Canada repeatedly, and seen play Nalbandian from front row seats in Canada as well--is a little hottie. I'd probably feel like an East German Discus player if I were lying around in bed with him, because he's a couple inches shorter than me and not thick, either, but I think I could get over it, especially if he made an effort to make me feel comfortable while we lie next to each other in clean, white hotel sheets, the sun falling gently on our naked bodies, saying things like "you don't actually look like an East German discus thrower", but he'd say it in Spanish and that would be really hot, because I speak some Spanish and understand it well, too, but he'd have to speak a little slowly, and he would, because he's so sweet and considerate, because sometimes people speak Spanish really fast and I have problems understanding.

Whoah. I love Azarenka's dress.

Then there in Chardy. Now, he is only 23, which in my mind is different than 27, and this is a hurtle I CAN get over, and do get over, for instance, in the cases of say, Nadal or Gasquet. Because at 23, I could very well be his, um, mother. And this disturbs me. But then I think of things like, I don't know, Harold and Maude, or the story of a friend of mine's mother who nailed their pool boy when she was growing up. So, you see, these things happen. And if it happened with Chardy, that would be very, very nice. He's tall, French, with supermodel good looks- which actually isn't my thing, I'm not a huge pretty boy lover, but I make exceptions for some pretty boys, like Feli Lopez, whe actually is getting a little more mature and rough around the edges, which is awesome, and we think it has to do with his older woman girlfriend, who is pregnant or something and they're having problems--and French men are renowned lovers and do wierd things, like have older women lovers and that's considered natural and good for the young man, because the older woman can teach the young man the ways of a woman's body.

I think Ferrer may cruise rather easily here. Chardy is not known for his mental toughness.

Sigh. Way too many ads here. I sort of hate ESPN, even though I'm very sad that the ESPN bars shut down because I never went and I heard they were awesome. Why don't they show tennis? Why must they show Hannah Storm, mindnumbingly high on oxycontin or some other designer drug that I have not had the great pleasure of trying?

More soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

I Have Been Watching Wimbledon, Just Not Been Blogging

I'm having a very strange and yet very normal day of watching tennis. Right now, Hewitt and Monfils are in a lovely battle. Monfils is very attractive. Hewitt said "thanks, Mate" very politely to my son Rockytoad when Rockytoad said "good luck tomorrow" to him in Montreal as he dined next to us with his wife and two beefy guys and their baby daughter. Also, once, Hewitt's wife was sitting behind us watching Hewitt play someone- I forget who- and Cheesewad was maybe five and started to lie down in my lap as we had been watching tennis all day long--and she said, "aw, he's so cute" and he is so that was awesome she figured that out. So, I like the Hewitts, but if I had to choose a man with whom to be intimate, I would choose Monfils. Now, this is not because Hewitt is married and I have morals- apparently, I really love married men, as I tend to think about having sex with this one married man lately, which is sort of confusing, but it's just thinking, which is different than doing, I think, and once I watched an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which I never watched much, because I found it too annoying and sort of mean, but the episode I watched was about how when masturbating, the protagonist had people just "pop in" to his mind. Now, I find that interesting--so random. Anyway, once Monfils signed my kids tennis balls and he was super sweet and smiley and cute and I bet he's uncut because all the French are uncut.

What else--um, how bout Hannah Storm? Whatever drugs she's on-I want them. Also, I no longer like Pam Shriver for heckling James Blake. What the fuck was she thinking? Also, I guess I should say something about that really long match, that ended 68/70 in the third between Isner and Mahut. I was pulling for Mahut because I find him more attractive than Isner. That said-it was a very long match, the longest ever by hours and so on. Sort of freaky and weird. My buddy Robert was here watching it with me on Day Two of the match (it took place over three days, but you know that) and that was very exciting because mostly, I watch tennis alone. Robert and I once watched hockey in a sports bar and I drank large amounts of vodka. It was a smashingly good time. But that long match? Sort of boring. Still, cool and strange and like, we were on Mars and all the usual things that are normal on earth didn't apply anymore, but different, strange Martian laws were in effect and they included really long fifth sets.

What else? I'm watching Kelybanova versus Venus Williams. Now, Venus will pull this out-and I LOVE this dress, was not so crazy about the one she wore at the French--but Kleybanova is no joke. She also once squeezed out her ponytail and like, buckets of sweat came out- and then she did it again and again and Rick Rock and I got grossed out. Also, she does this wierd jerky motion with her head. I find watching her amusing because she's sort of gross and strange. And if she's on, I feel like she could beat anyone. I also feel like she's thinking "I'm scary looking and do gross things with my ponytail, and jerk my head around like a horse getting the reigns pulled, but that makes me not care about anything so I'm going to kick your ass".

Sigh. I'm going to take a break from tennis and shower and --and---and maybe get dressed for working out with this ex marine who is 27 years old and really, really attractive and after he brutalizes me with various torturous weight training activities, he then "stretches me out" which makes me all coy and also, very happy for the rest of the day.

More soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

The French Open Final 2010

Anybody think it was funny when Johnny Mac talked about the "bronzed" skin of Nadal? Johnny Mac can be wierd in a very entertaining way, like when he can't stop talking about Elena Dementieva's thighs.

Some guy is getting carried out from the audience. Play has stopped. Soderling's scruffy patchy beard is not attractive. I took the elevator down with him once in Toronto and in real life, he's a big strong attractive professional athlete. TV does not make him look that hot. Also, he is no where near as hot as Rafa. But that sort of is a given, I guess.

Triple break point here at 2 all in the second. I want Rafa to win. And then I want to have sex with him. No really, Rafa is the better mannered of the two, too. Soderling mocking Nadal's butt picking and then not even looking at him during the handshake- bad, bad manners. They showed it a little earlier, the clip from Wimby 2007, I believe. Man, I now cannot root for Soderling. I don't hate him, but I cannot root for him. I hate very few tennis players. I hate Andy Roddick sometimes, but not all of the time always. I am glad I missed his match against Gabashvili. I read he behaved like a 3 year old brat who demands more cookies and doesn't get them and then tantrums. I would have plugged my ears and put my face in a pillow while watching that match. Unbearable. And usually, having my face in a pillow happens during fun times, but that would not be the case during the Roddick watching.

Nadal took the second set. This is feeling like a steamroll, and not the kind of rolling around all steamy that is fun like faces in pillows can be fun sometimes, but as in Nadal may beat him in straights quite easily. Sigh. Soderling is making too many errors. I wish Berdych had won and then I'd be more confused and excited watching the final. Because - one, Berdych is really insanely smoking hot. And Nadal and Berdych have some bad blood from a match in Madrid years ago where Berdych won and then put a finger to his lips to silence the crowd. Now, beating Nadal in Madrid and having the entire audience against you must be sort of sucky, and not the sort of sucky that is fun like faces in pillows and rolling around all steamy, but the kind that means "not fun". So I sort of kind of maybe a little forgive Berdych for this mistake. So if he were playing, I would be all "Gosh, I like both these guys and not sure who I want to win" but also secretly maybe wanting Rafa to win a little more than Berdych and what I love about thinking about Rafa and Berdych is how different they are, in that one is a big tall scary Viking Nordic God whose ancestors wore bear skins and horned helmets and who brutally took women against their will probably on a regular basis and did so very vigorously and the other is a swarthy Moor, thick and like Johnny Mac says, bronzed, whose ancestors came from Africa and viciously conquered the Iberian peninsula wearing those red and white things wrapped around their head with just their eyes sticking out and long brown dresses and then built buildings with lots of arches and had whole harems of women that they did all sorts of bestial things to. So, yeah, like Rafa and Berdych would be like having chocolate AND vanilla ice cream which is more fun, double the fun I'd say, and that would awesome if it were the kind of fun that having your face in the pillows and rolling around getting all steamy and sucky in a good way would be.

Nadal is up a break in the third. I'm facebook friends with Murphy Jensen and even though Rick Rock said "be careful on the internet P" I checked my facebook....and Murph had posted something about the match and I saw it and looked away and - honestly, I'm sad about that. My bad though- I should not have looked at facebook.

Soderling is not playing well and he looks unhappy out there. It's 4/2 in the third. This final is a little boring. But that's OK, it's been a great clay court season. I feel sorry for Robin. I really do. Even if he has bad manners sometimes. This sucks in a bad way, not in the way of the Vietnamese purchased girlfriend in that movie about American soldiers in Vietnam.

Aww, Rafa is so emotional! I love it. I love tennis. I love life. He did it. It means so much to him after having lost last year. I'm getting all emotional, too. His fifth French Open title, and he did it without losing a set.

Yours Truly,

Paula

Williamses Crush Doubles Action With Love, Plus Lesbians

RR Here,

Sorry readers, P is being a lazy blogger so you have to put up with me.

They just showed a peek of the Williams sisters beating Huber/Medina Garrigues. And we were saying - I really like them playing doubles. And they are really motivated, both being out of the singles. There is no way they don't win it. But the best is, I think the main reason they care about the doubles is because, they play together. You get the feeling, they really love each other, and just like to be out there together. I give them tons of credit. I mean, who doesn't have some shit with their sibling? But they are good. P would sooner play doubles with a blind, drunken donkey than with me. For example. Can't really blame her. I mean we are not siblings. Although some have said there is a resemblance. Let's change the subject.

To... Lesbians! Most doubles teams are Together Outrageously. Is this actually true? Who knows. But a) seems like it and b) why not, it's good copy. Rennae Stubbs spoke very frankly about playing doubles with Lisa Raymond when they were lovers, then breaking up, then later playing together again whilst not being Together Outrageously. Then Rennae went on to talk about wining some match and getting so hammered she had alcohol poisoning. Go Australia!!!!

I like Lesbians. I know, when a guy says that, it's like, ew. But I don't mean it in a Spring Break/Penthouse Forum way. What? I Respect the lesbians. Because, I like ladies, so, I'm like, yeah. And, not to generalize, but they crack me up. Anyway, that's why ladies doubles is cool - GTO's right and left, and then some sisters loving each other, and then "hottie" teams like Hingis and Kournikova. Ha ha. Actually , mixed doubles is really fun too, but very rarely on TV.

Stopping - match point for Meltzer - can he do it?

RR out

Ladies Semis French Open 2010 - So Who's It Gonna BE HUH?

RR here -

JJ, Leni, Stosur and Schiavone! What?? Well it's not that weird I guess - all except Schiavone have been deep in grand slams and specifically the French before. But who would have picked that final four? It's exciting to have 4 players in the semis who have never won a grand slam. I'll be happy for any one of these women.

So who's it going to be? That's really tough. I am going to go with.... Jankovic. No, Stosur. No, Jankovic. Leni? I don't know! Watch Schiavone sneak on through, that would be rad.

Well I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Many great players watching from the stands. It'll be fun.

RR out