Am I A Weirdo?

Hello! Rowan here. Been a long time since I blogged something. But I enjoyed Paula's US Open posts, and she pretty much promised me she will blog more if I blog something too.

Today I'm gonna share something awesome with you. Dan Kim is a great artist from Canada, and he recently had a Kickstarter fundraising campaign for his new book. One of the rewards for donating was that Dan would draw you an original sketch of your favourite waifu, a female character of your choice. Most normal people picked cartoon or comic book characters, but for my waifu I asked if I could choose my favourite tennis player Alizé Cornet. Am I a weirdo?

Alizé has actually had a decent season this year for once. She won a title on clay in Strasbourg, made the 3rd round at 3 of the Slams and is ranked 28 in the world right now, her highest in years. She still has a lot of French attitude and a very pretty nose.

Anyway here is Dan's picture of Alizé. Isn't it the greatest thing you ever saw in your whole life? I could gaze at it all day, and I do, I stuck it up on the wall above my drawing table. Srsly, am I a weirdo?

 

You can find more of Dan Kim's art at www.clone-army.org.

Let's blog again real soon!

PS: Have you seen Eugenie Bouchard the 19 year old from Canada? She is a total babe.

Men's US Open Final, 2013

Ok, Djokovic just broke at Love. This is turning into a match. At first, I thought that Rafa was just going to kill Nole, and then I started thinking about how hot they are, both of them, and so I stopped caring at all about the actual match and starting thinking dirty thoughts.
I don't know who I want to win. I love them both. Dearly.
Has anyone else noted that Nadal is losing some hair there on the top- it's thinning. I may have mentioned that before, because one thing this blog is good for is- repetition. I want to have sex with tennis players! I am drinking an adult beverage! My animals make my house smell bad!
OK, Nole. Not losing any hair. In fact, he has a virtual Brillo pad on his head. Think how useful that would be. First, you could watch him play tennis (like I am now), then you could make him have sex with you, or that would be ideal, and then you could use his head to wash the dishes. OMG. That would be three great things in a row, or in any order, not necessarily in a row.
Now- let's talk about Nadal.
Oh wait, I gotta say this is turning into a great match and the ralleys are AMAZING.
OK, back to Nadal. Now, his hair IS thinning. But so is Rick Rock's the man of the house here and sometimes contributor, and that doesn't bother me a bit. And so was this ex boyfriend's of mine in college- it in no way affected our ability to be "close" nor did it destroy my attraction to him. In fact, if he were here right now, I would hit on him, because I don't like his wife and I have good memories of him and I bet he's still hot - he married her right after me! Anyway, back to Nadal. Good lord he is so handsome and talented and rich. And so SPANISH. As followers of this blog now, I used to live in Spain and LOVE Spanish men, although I was 18 at the time and didn't bang one Spanish dude because Americans had the rep to be sluts and I didn't want to be thought of as a slut. God, how I regret that now. Who the fuck cares if someone thinks you are a slut in a foreign country when you are 18? If only my 45 year old self could inhabit my 18 year old self- I would have banged some HOT Spanish dudes.
Sigh.
Nole is trying to turn this around. Too bad Mary Carillo hasn't become a mute. Wow, that was rough. I don't really want her to lose the ability to speak, but you know- she's awful.
OK, I just baked a chicken and fed my family. We had some asparagus and rice, too. At dinner, once the conversation turned to dicks, and how smoking makes you turn to dick sucking, which then makes you start taking harder drugs because you are sad you are sucking dick - anyway, why are adolescent boys obsessed with their dicks? And why is Rick Rock, who is 45, an adolescent boy? And why were we talking about gateway drugs and why did this lead to non stop penis talk? I mean, I never care about those things, as this blog attests. When have I ever mentioned the male anatomy?  Sometimes, it's hard to be the only lady in the house.
I might start watching this on fast forward as I hate to be behind. I used to watch tennis on fast forward a lot because I watched TENNIS ALL THE TIME. I don't do that anymore. My life got busy in mostly bad ways, but also some good ways.
Rafa just fell and - he's so cute.
I like Rafa's outfit a little bit better than Nole's. But don't tell Nole that in case I stand a chance? OK? Thanks.
Rick Rock is perving on Rafa's sister. He said, "I've watched her grow up into a fine young woman." That was a little too Law and Order SVU for me ( I usually call that show, which I watch all the time "SUV" just to be dyslexic and also SUV is a common "word". It just flow better.)
I'm a little behind- been taping it, had to feed the dick obsessed wierdos in my house- but more soon!
Just when I thought Nole was going to take over, Rafa turns into a crazed tennis genius and takes the third set. I wish I were his towel. I could be his towel! Just that, really, not more, just that thing he rubs all over his arms and sometimes other parts of his body. OK, now I want to be the tennis balls. They go inside the pockets of BOTH tennis players! They get to soak up some sweat. They're right next to some seriously important anatomy of the tennis players. They get squeezed by the hands of both Nadal and Nole. Oh, yeah, I am a tennis ball- sort of all Yoda like. Remember Yoda? He had this whole "saying" thing which was deep and mysterious and transported himself out of dumb reality into something awesome and powerful? I AM THE TENNIS BALL. Squeeze me, put me next to your junk, then hit me a lot. Hm. The last part- not so sure of. But I was just riffing.

Oh shit, 3-0 Rafa in the fourth.I am having a vodka on ice. For some reason, I keep dripping onto my shirt. It sort of looks like when you breastfeed and your milk leaks. Not a good look. Thank God Rafa and Nole can't see me. It also looks like Azarenka yesterday. She had terrible boob sweat circles. Maybe that's why she lost? Serena has an iron bra holding up her huge, amazing breasts, each breast bigger than the size of my head. No sweat is getting through an iron bra.
Oh fuck, Nole is not hitting so well. He has played soo much more tennis this tournament.He might need me to console him. I will. I would, in a heartbeat, in a vodka wet T-shirt, bad boob circle (although unlike Azarenka, only one boob is getting the circle of wetness) shirt,  give him my consolation. I guess I could take off my shirt? I should take it off- I lifted weights with my amazing trainer, and it was disgusting to begin with.

It's 5-1 now. AAWWW.

I'm wearing my Strassburg Sock.
http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=strassburg+socks&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=8042105004&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1838515735593104666&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_on2h8x9uc_b

I highly recommend if you have Plantar Fascc-my-foot-hurts. It really helps.

Championship point. So sad. So great? So great. So confused. I love tennis.
I need to clean up dog pee. My three legged dog pees everwhere. OHHH! Go Rafa! Nole - I love you. What a great handshake! Rafa- oh shit. Rafa is crying. I might cry.






Yours Truly,
Paula

I Went to the US Open Today

People. I went to the US Open today. As some of you know I used to watch tons of tennis and blog about it with great regularity. Now- not so much. But - DAMN- it's a good game. My very nice husband brought me along to a corporate box - I immediately forgot the name of the corporation, but he works with these people, and I was anxious- sometimes, I say inappropriate things. But yet, he took a gamble on me- he let me come along. It turned out one of the sales people who sells- I don't know what, my husband mumbles, so I can't understand, and then the actual sales people could give a shit what I know- remembered me from last year! I remembered him too! Although I have no idea what anyone does. I was just sweating a lot and super happy to be in a corporate "suite". They bring you drinks- non stop. There is a ton of food! I ate three times- the last was a plate of salami and a pile of chips with sour cream dip. And then there was TENNIS! Kvitova started. Sometimes, she looks like a huge Eastern European JAIL GUARD. But, in reality, she looks like an awesome strong, young, tennis player! She was cute. Huge-ish, but cute! She won her match. I was getting hot. It was hot out. I wore a sweater- granted a small sweater- but still. She won Wimbledon a few year ago.She was "awes" as my sons say. Then came the "Woz" also know as Caroline Wozniacki. She's Polish but plays for Denmark. At one point, she was number 1! She's totally thinned out. She's not anorexic seeming, she just lost her baby fat. She played this ginormous Chinese qualifier, Duan Ying Ying, who was 6'1, and hit balls HARD. Like I do (just kidding, well, you know). The Woz managed to pull it out with great defensive play, and Duan just made too many errors. At this point I was sunburned. Also, I'm not a good day drinker, but hey, free booze. So, I'm at this corporate box- love the private toilet!- and  bonding with the waiter! I waited on tables for ever....anyway. Every now and again someone wanted to talk "business" with me and I just did that thing, you know, put your hand over your head and say "that just went over me". It worked. Then Federer came out. AAWWWWW. He's so cute. Then I made some inappropriate comments but my husband ensured me that I wasn't as bad as- well. That was wishful thinking. I say the wrong things. I didn't use dirty words. Free drinks and food? I did OK. Federer kicked some ass. But I clapped loudly for the poor dude "I'm getting over Mono" a lot. At this point, I'd had too much Vitamin D, some white wine, lots of weird chicken dishes, and I was wearing bad shorts- like, too short shorts.  The only good thing is that- I was not the only one sweating! We were all sweating like crazy! So I slid off my seat and gave wet hugs to people, especially the one guy who invited us, I gave him a good sweaty hug, and - yeah. One thing - professional tennis players play amazing tennis.
Yours,
Paula

Women's Final at Wimbledon- 2013

Clive Owen? Yes Clive Owen is narrating the women's final blabla. God I love his voice. His pockmarks. If I had the chance, I'm sure I'd love other things about him. But, come on - isn't that weird? For instance- they should say- Clive Owen is narrating the "ladies championship at Wimby" -  but no. I'm the one telling you that.

Lots of talk about intense relationships with Daddy. Bartoli fired her daddy but here he is, watching. I had an intense relationship with my dad. Thank God I never had to fire him. Serena, Maria, Bartoli- all had to fire their dads and it was always the right thing to do, even though their dads MADE them. Life is strange.
 I can't believe Lisicki isn't barfing or crying. I would do both. I would do both - or I do do both- even when I am not playing a final at Wimbledon. Actually, I haven't barfed in a long time. But I cry pretty regularly. Pretty sure I would barf if I was playing some tennis final though. And cry.
Two things- I sort of hate the dude who is commentating. But I like "Chrissie". First of all, how is a grown woman, who, by the way, is aging beautifully, I don't see any weird surgery going on in her face or arms or anywhere, goes by the name "Chrissie?" I love it.  I'm an old lady and I prefer to have sort of little girl nicknames. I think that's normal. Let's pretend we are not getting old and dying! Let's have baby names!
Well, Bartoli is being more consistent. Not surprising. Aw. Lisicki! Where is your serve?
ROWAN! He just said- Bartoli is beating Lisicki like a drum.
Rowan is right! It's not fun to watch. Chrissie called her spent from the other matches. I think she just doesn't have the experience. Bartoli does. But really, if Lisicki had her game on, this would be a better match.

Second set. Come on Lisicki. Make this second set a match! I am awake and I am NEVER awake at this hour. You owe me, girl.
She just made a cute face. That's encouraging. I've had two cups of coffee and I usually only am allowed a half cup because otherwise I get all insane and my family gets worried. But HEY- it's the women's FINAL. Therefore, I get to be insane! And fuck my family! Yeah, that's right, deal with my overcaffienated ass!

Here's something- Chris Fowler used to make me want to strangle him. I totally like Chrissie. I feel like the fact that Fowler has gone grey-perhaps age? perhaps something shitty in his life happened?- has made him less of an asshole. Sorry, Chris, if your dad died or something awful happened, but you seem less of a dick than you used to be. And that I appreciate. Can we also be happy that Tracy Austin is not in the box.  She makes me grind my teeth with rage.

Go Go Go- Lisicki! Make this a match!!!

By the way, if I manage to blog- think I'm going to make Rowan and Mike do it- during the men's final- but if I do manage- I will be also having sex with myself the whole time whilst watching those two totally fine dudes hit little balls at each other which is sort of like trying to get the sperm in the lady part- and it's just so sexy. Makes me think of an essay that Gary Amdahl sent me recently about hockey and sex. But that was good sports writing and I try very hard- oh wait, no I don't try hard- to be the world's shittiest sports writer. Which brings me to the great writer, who I do admire and he deserves all his accolades, minus the shit talk from his ex girlfriend who I now hate, Mary Carr, - DFW- yeah, I can't spell his name out at this second- writing about Federer for the- NEW YORK TIMES. God, that piece made my lady boner go away. It was not good. People loved it. I didn't. It wasn't fun. Sometimes, taking yourself too seriously makes people laugh at you, not with you and maybe that is a risk we all should take from time to time. But not about tennis.

Sigh.

Once, and you could find it somewhere on this blog, I was at the US Open on a back court and watched Bartoli play and there really is something you see up close that the TV is not showing. Her angles? With her crazy two handed thingy on both sides? It's INTENSE. It's special.

But I'm so sad about Lisicki. She's just sucking right now. I really hope she doesn't cry. I might cry  for her. Would that help? Can I suck the bad emotion of stress and fear and waah from her? Trying to channel across the ocean to Lisicki, trying to suck the bad away sort of like you suck venom out of your friend after they got bit by a snake.

Oh shit. 4-1 in the second. My venom sucking is not working. Maybe I need more coffee. I'm surprised - as I mentioned- that Chris Fowler is not being the dick he usually is. Maybe because there isn't another man in the box with him?

God, this is sad. Poor Lisicki. Tennis is so mental. And Lisicki mind is going "I'm fucking losing".

Bartoli is basically fucking everything. Swinging her dick left and right and straight at you. Also, did I say this is painful. Oh shit. I can barely watch. I hate a blow out. Is that the word? Blow out. Who knows. I'm going to drink more coffee and become more brain damaged.

I like that they keep showing Mauresmo. LOVE her. If I were a lesbian, which I am not, I would totally let her go down on me. In fact, I would let her go down on me even though I am not a lesbian. Even, like, right now. As long as she kept her lady parts away from me. I guess that would be a "bad deal" on her part. That's why I would be a bad lesbian. It would have to be a totally one sided relationship.

Just gonna say a normal tennis thing- Lisicki has always been streaky. And I don't mean her hair. And it's making her suck right now.

I'm gonna watch for a minute- be right back.
Bartoli is panicking. But I don't have a lot of faith in Lisicki - yet. She could change that. Oh, gonna drink more coffee. Why not finish off the pot?

She just did it!
AWWW!
Yours,
Paula

Highlights from Auckland

Heeey Rowan here, I told Paula I was gonna post something about the Auckland WTA and ATP tournaments, which took place just before the Aussie Open, then I forgot, then I remembered, so here you go.

We had a great field for the women’s tournament this year, with Sharapova, Kuznetsova and Safina all coming for the first time. Defending champ Yanina Wickmayer was there too, and she got Safina in the first round, ouch, but she came through in a good three setter. Kuz lost to Peng Shuai (happy Chinese New Year everyobdy!) in the second round and Sharapova lost to Greta Arn (who?) in the quarters, but it was nice to see them live and in person. Poor old Maria, she’ll always have that never give up attitude but she still has some big issues with her game. Plus sexy German Julia Goerges was wearing the same outfit as Maria and filled it out better than she did. Not Maria’s week.

Lots of sightings of Alize Cornet and her nose which made me happy. She came back from a set and 2-5 down to win her first round match in three sets, screaming things in French all the way. She lost to Goerges in the second round but then made the semis in the doubles, where she was nice enough to lose to hometown Kiwi Marina Erakovic. Merci Alizé, à la prochaine.

In the end Greta Arn (who?) won the whole tournament (what?) beating Wickmayer in the final. See if something like this happened in professional wrestling, I mean an unknown midcarder getting a series of impressive upset victories, then you can bet the matchmakers in the back would have a plan for this person. This would be the beginning of what we wrestling fans call a push, the first step on Greta Arn’s road to becoming a championship contender. But unfortunately tennis is not like wrestling, and this Greta Arn victory will probably not lead to anything at all. This is part one in a twelve part series called Why Wrestling Is Almost Better Than Tennis. Nah I’m just playing. Twelve parts is too much.

In the men’s tournament we had Ferrer, Nalbandian, Isner, Robredo and other solid guys. Nalbandian looked really good all week, he dismantled John Isner’s giant serve and deconstructed Nicolas Almagro’s fiery one handed backhand. But then he forgot how to play tennis in the final against Ferrer and lost 63 62, it was a bit of a let down. See if this was wrestling, Ferrer and Nalbandian would have put on a 45 minute best two out of three falls classic. The young top ten lion Ferrer would have won in the end, but not without a heck of a battle. Nalbandian’s valiant losing effort (during which he would have got busted open and bled all over the ring, and the referee would have said, David I'm gonna have to stop it, but Nalby would have shouted DON'T YOU DARE STOP THIS MATCH, and Ferrer would have been reluctant to keep beating up on his wounded opponent, but Nalby would have slapped his face and told him to bring it, and then they would have wrestled another twenty minutes until Ferrer finally eked out the win) would have done more for his standing than any victory, as he would have won the hearts of the fans and shown that he is on his way back to the top ten and one final shot at the world heavyweight championship that has eluded him throughout his storied career. Or at least a run with the tag team championships. I mean Davis Cup.

Happy 2011 everybody! It's gonna be a good season, I can feel it.

The 2011 Australian Open Women and Men's Finals

Ladies First.

The Beginning of this match was all about boob sweat. Poor Kimmy had two perfect circles of sweat on her boobs. It made her lose the first set. RR and I like both Kimmy and Li Na, so we were excited to see either win. In the second set, Kimmy's sweat morphed into all over body sweat, undoing the unfortunate boob circles of sweat. This made her play much better, because she didn't have to be so embarrassed and instead, she could concentrate on stepping into the court and whacking the crap out of the ball deep into the corners. Funny, how much boobs affect tennis.

Here are some really dumb moments that happened during the ladies final. The commentators said some dumb things and some things they said, like, over and over and over again. For instance, Will Li Na Be The First Asian to win a grand slam? This was asked over and over again. I was like, hm, maybe we should stop asking this and instead, like, wait and see what actually happens. Then Rick Rock said, "Will Kim Clijsters be the first Asian to win a grand slam?" This made us crack up. Then there was the reeeeeeeaaallly unfortunate moment when after Li Na played an awesome defense to offense winner of a backhand, Dick Enberg yelled out "The Great Wall of China"! RR and I looked at each other in disbelief. The box got suddenly very silence after that and I could just see the programmers whispering to Dick, "Dude, you CANNOT say that??!! OK??!!" In that kind of whisper which is angry even if it's not loud, because, anyway, the whole thing had to go away and be covered up. Anyway, then Rick Rock said, "General Chow's Chicken!" and we cracked up again. We were making fun of Dick Enberg, BTW, not poor Li Na.

I loved Li Na's speech at the end. That thing about loving her husband no matter what, even if he got fat and old? It was so cute. I was worried she was going to complain to the Chinese fans of whom she complained a lot to the chair, which was a bummer, because she needed to just not pay attention to that and focus on her amazing tennis. She got distracted by them and they were loud. At one point, Nick said, "what's up with the Chinese fans, have they become Serbs?" Which I thought was a very good question.

Then Kimmy's speech which started out with thanking the dentist who fixed her chipped tooth. Now, that was hilarious. But I did want to know how she chipped her tooth. I hope her husband didn't punch her. I hope she drunkenly fell down and smacked her tooth on the kitchen table...that would be a "fun" way to chip your tooth- drinking and partying and shit--as opposed to being punched.

Men's final commentary to follow!

Djoker and Murray. I like both these players. I felt that the Beeg (Brad Gilbert) was wrong in his prediction of Murray in five and as we are in the third (back on serve) and Djoker is playing way more solid that Murray, I was right and the Beeg was wrong!!!! I like the Beeg, don't get me wrong, I like his "color commentary" for the most part. The confusing thing about the Beeg is that we have the same name! Rick Rock calls me "beeg" all the time! (It's short for "baby girl".) Anyway, when I get to meet the Beeg, I think we'll bond on that issue. I look forward to that day. Someday soon, I'll add a little link here to the time I met Killer Cahill.

Murray is not being mentally tough. He's not moving well. I think it's the stress. Thank GOD he didn't get bagelled in that second set! Sheesh. This third set is way more fun. I like the skull and crossbones on Murray's mom's sweatshirt. I walked by her once or twice in Canada last summer and she's a little lady. His father must be a bruiser because Andy's a big strong man. Anybody have any info on Andy's dad? We got his hot brother, Jamie, and his hardass mom. But what of his dad???

Which leads me to- The Serbs. I have not seen the Djoker's parents? Is that right? And what of the Serb fan who is in a skin tight wrestling uniform and you can see his nipples and the outline of his penis? That was WRONG. People love to hate the Djoker's parents, (notice that Maria Sharapova seems to have quietly fired her father and this whole Serena "injury" thing -I worry she's getting work done too, because she looked really different the last time I saw her on TV, but I digress) but let's take a quick look at their likely history (now, this is just theory, I actually don't know these things for facts). First, all Serbs are Greeks that got the short end of the stick, so to speak. Greeks- everyone loves the Greeks. But the Serbs are the Greeks that got chased up to the mountains, probably over some disputes about a goat, and hey, just because they got chased up the mountain, doesn't even mean they stole a goat, it could mean the other guy had a big old shovel or pitchfork and got him on the surprise and like, he just had to run to save himself from getting smashed over the head or, like, stuck in the gut with a pitchfork all Friday the 13thy. Or he could have stolen the goat. Regardless, for centuries, these poor "really are Greeks" have been stuck in the freezing ass mountains, barely getting by by running pizza and pancake restaurants, occasionally getting pillaged and raped by Mongol hoards from the East, and Viking-bear fur-wearing barbarians from the North. So because of this, they sort of are ill behaved raging desperate people, who really can't help it because they've been cut off from the good life for so long.

Oh man, I feel for Murray. The Djoker is just too solid. I really had hoped this would go longer. But the dude kicked the Fed's butt so maybe this is not so surprising.

I would love to console Murray or celebrate wildly with Nole. Either the consoling or the decadent celebrating would involve nudity and lots of touching. The consoling would be melancholy and soothing touching and nudity, the celebrating would be joyous and aggressive fun nudity and touching.

Nole is getting naked now, in preparation for his celebration. I am so sad I'm not there. I'm jealous.

I still believe in Murray. Clijsters lost her first four times at trying to win a Major-so - Murray has a chance

Yours Truly,

Paula

BRAVEHEART VERSUS THE JOKER: LIVE BLOG

3:31 AM

Hi everybody. My name is Mike Young, and Paula is graciously letting me liveblog. What I mean is that I promised I would live blog the Australian Open Final if Murray got into it, so here I am. My friend Jack and I are sitting in his house, surrounded by ice and snow and weird hipsters walking home from Saturday night doo-wap dancing. We have coffee and Ezra Brooks whiskey. Jack is explaining to me that the Woz told everybody a kangaroo bit her. Now he is talking about how his wife looks like Kim Clijsters, and his wife is deeply asleep in the other room. Meanwhile, ESPN is showing really melodramatic close-ups of Andy Murray's chin scraggle.

3:35 AM




3:37 AM


Man, some kid's Make-a-Wish was to get a picture with the finalists at the Australian Open? Also, he looks like a Djokovic fan.

3:39 AM

Just to let Paula's fans down early: we are not going to talk about how attractive Murray or Djokovic are until after we drink a lot more whiskey. Also the announcers really like Djokovic because one of the announcers sounds Australian, and Australians resent people from Great Britain because Australia used to be a giant jail. Jack says Murray is going to win because he's wearing green.

3:45 AM

Brad Gilbert is talking about how he got the chance to sit down exclusively and touch Djokovic's knee. Wait, the match just started. Jack is going to make sure we have enough muffins.

3:47 AM

Djokovic just won the first game. We are talking about the dead spot controversy. We've concluded that tennis has the furriest ball of any major professional pursuit, and also the bounciest. Djokovic's dad isn't wearing the Shirt, which makes Jack sad. What Shirt? Look to your left.

3:53 AM


Jack says Murray likes to get beat early because that makes him want it more later. I said that's very British of him. I have a feeling this liveblong is going to get more and more offensive as we go. I accidentally just typed blong. Murray might get broken in his first game. Or maybe not. They just exchanged massive cross-court forehands and Murray won the point. Our other friend Sean hasn't shown up yet, and he is rooting for the Joker, so he will provide exciting narrative tension. ESPN just showed a close up of Murray's face and we laughed and Jack said "Rat grimace." We are wondering if the Australian Open rubberized courts are even faster than the U.S. Open hardcourts, but this live blog is too important to interrupt with research.

3:57 AM

Jack says the ball-kids at the Australian Open are faster than any other major. I said I want video review for a lot of things in my life. Murray still hasn't won his first goddamn service game.

4:07 AM

Murray took five deuces to hold his first service game. To celebrate, here is a picture of Murray attacking his girlfriend's nose:




4:02 AM

Jack and I agree that this is probably the last Australian Open for a while because the world next year will be embroiled in nuclear war, or gone completely, after Egypt collapses, and then every other country in the Middle East collapses, and then Israel drops a bunch of bombs on any sandy spots it can find. Also we also agree that maybe the Australian ball kids look faster because of their floppy yellow hats. Also we're eating oranges, even though it's 5 degrees outside in Massachusetts, which doesn't have a lot of orange trees. We figure this is maybe the third to last month we'll get to eat oranges before the world collapses.

4:14 AM

Murray is looking a little better, wearing the Joker down, just made a very regal overhead smash. One of the announcers just said "These guys have two hands." Whoa, Murray just went from scrambling defense to a killer cross-court backhand.

4:27 AM

They're staying on serve, some exciting rallies, not a ton. The announcer just said "Flowing brown and nasty." Jack and I are talking about the function of cataloging in prose, James Agee and Stanley Crawford, but I at least am getting a little incoherent. If Jack is feeling incoherent, he is masking it with enthusiasm. Now we are fantasizing that Jack's wife will sleepwalk to the grocery store and buy bacon and then cook the bacon for us. Murray's foreheads really hug the net, and when Djokovic hits something really hard he looks like he's about to kill a bird with mild regret. Also Djokovic is making some dumb errors.

4:33 AM

ESPN just interrupted the match to show a video of a girl jogging to court with new rackets. If the first set stays on pace, it will have taken about an hour and a half. The announcer just said "You're not buying the buddies thing."

4:38 AM

Jack just said Murray is Micky Ward and Djokovic is Dickie Eklund.

4:42 AM

Djokovic is two points away from breaking Murray and winning the set. Now when he is hitting big balls and working Murray all around the court, his close-up face looks like he is making one of those high pitched "wise guy eh?" jokes and he is relishing the opportunity to make this joke. The rallies are getting kind of insanely good now.

4:46 AM

Djokovic just broke Murray and won the first set. Murray needs to stop playing defense, man. He reminds me of that guy who waits until a girl he likes in high school is collecting Social Security and vacationing in a raft on a lake in Maine before finally telling her he likes her.

4:57 AM

Murray just got broken again trying to make a too cute forehead drop shot. ESPN keeps showing slo-mo shots of Djokovic's legs. If anybody has a calf fetish, they are getting their money's worth.

5:05 AM

Murray is falling apart! Awful unforced errors. Also there is a Serbian in the crowd wearing a singlet.

5:16 AM

Murray showing some life down 1-5 in the second set. Djokovic is squeezing his eyes together with his fingers, say the announcers. Wait, Murray is squeezing his eyes. But Djokovic wears contacts. I can't keep up. Murray just broke Djokovic. Down 2-5 now. Now there is a bowling commercial. Jack just made a Karate Kid reference. We both agree that if someone wanted to make us bacon and eggs we wouldn't be like "No thank you, we don't want bacon and eggs," we would be like "Hell yeah, gimme dem bacon and eggs."

5:25 AM

Djokovic just won the second set. Melbourne, Australia had a confusing commercial for itself with some girl meeting herself in a puddle? There are some orange peels near my gloves.

5:33 AM

Murray has a break point. The announcers just said "The dark side." Jack said "Negative energy capacity." Boom, great forehand down the line from Murray, and a surprising winner after a series of defensive plunkies, but he found his spot. Murray up a break in the third set. He keeps shushing his camp. We think maybe he's high.

5:35 AM

The announcers just said, of Murray's mom, "Judy was a player but she never really made it on tour," and we thought it sounded like a Belle & Sebastian song. Until tonight I thought Andy Murray was Welsh for some reason? Of course he is Scottish, duh.

5:47 AM

Murray keeps going for this inside out backhand down the line and missing it wide. The announcers just said "Lots of F words from Murray on the court. He always says focus." He just biffed a backhand at deuce and gave Djokovic a break point. Okay, another ace to get back to deuce. In my experience it's a bad sign when somebody is hanging on by their aces. Jack just said "Where is his dad?" Murray just made a bad drop shot, lost the point on a cutesy lob, and got back to deuce on another serve. Then another shitty backhand into the net. The announcers are saying Murray's mom is a better competitor than he is.

5:50 AM

Finally Murray nailed that inside out backhand. Jack used a Jewish Mom accent to talk about Murray's mom. Murray's mom made a fist pump. We are almost out of whiskey. Ad Murray. He just biffed a slice backhand into the net. Jack just said "You piece of shit." Murray needs to stop checking replays and start playing some goddamn tennis.

5:54 AM

Djokovic just did a great job staying in the point and making a killer forehand down the line. It's all over but the Scottish eggs, folks. I call Murray losing in three, winning maybe one more game. 4, 2, 2 is my prediction.

5:55 AM

Braveheart, more like LAMEHEART. Announcers actually made a William Wallace/Braveheart reference, saying William Wallace needs to come back from the dead and dunk Murray in a bucket of blue warpaint. Actually I made that up. They said something boring.

6:00 AM


Jack has added a Scottish burr to his Jewish mom accent, and it seems to be working. Murray just broke Nole to bring things back on serve.

6:10 AM

I don't like how mean Murray is to his camp. I do like the guy with the sunglasses in Djokovic's camp. Now there is a very sad SPCA commercial.

6:14 AM

Every time Nole lands a fluky-ass lob, Murray doesn't capitalize and lets him back in the point and ends up losing the point. Not to say that Djokovic isn't landing some huge shots, covering tons of ground, having an amazing service game (70% first serves in!), and nailing all his spots.

6:18 AM

Djokovic broke Murray AGAIN. All he needs to do is hold serve to win the whole blooming onion. The whole Vegemite factory.

6:23 AM

Tournament point for the Jokuh.

6:24 AM

That's it. Into the net from Murray and Djokovic wins his second Australian Open. He's giving away his shoes into the crowd. Holy shit he's giving everything away. He just grabbed Murray's mom and threw her into the crowd, and she was already in the crowd.

6:26 AM
Final score: 6-4, 6-2. 6-3. Man. What a bummer. Not really even all that exciting of a match. Gonna finish this whiskey and go home in the cold, cold dawn. The TV just said "It would just break his funky little heart." Next week there will be more snow! Thank you Paula for letting me live blog, thanks to Jack for provision of house and muffins, and congratulations to Djokovic fans worldwide. Your boy has very symmetrical chest hair.

Nadal v. Djokovic

Finally, the final. I'm hanging out on Tennis X, being alarmed by the rudeness and the stupidity, but also, enjoying the nice people and the non-idiots. I'm drinking a martini and vaping, which is not nearly as fun as smoking.

I was happy Nole took the second set. I want this to be a real match and so far, well, at least it will at least be a four setter.

I want to thank all my readers for coming by this US Open. I got 800 hits this US Open, and that's a lot for a blog that pretends to be about tennis, is about tennis sort of, but goes off on sex and drinking and Mars and cat pee and stuff a lot. So, big thanks for reading people.

This is a passionate match. I'd be happy of either one wins- and I think one of them will-and I'll be sad for the loser.

They just showed Nole's box and his mom was gone- must be at the ladies room. Rick Rock said they should let her pee in a cup. I'm in agreement.

Set four is ending. I would love for Nole to get out of the hole he's in- I'd like to stay up later and drink more. Oh wait, I can do that anyway. I guess- I mean- I would like to drink whilst watching tennis, not a Law and Order rerun.

Wow- what a great final. What great players. No Mars jokes. Just- love these players. Nadal earned that win and I hope Nole gets another Grand Slam soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

US Open 2010 Ladies' Final: Kimmy Wrastles Vera Down, Teaches Her

RR here -

Kimmy is the Boss. She gave Vera nothing, wrassled her down, pinned her, Vera tried to struggle but Kimmy was too strong, nothing worked. Eventually , after some pretty good (but not great) Vera histrionics, smash the rackets, flank-smacking, horrifying Russian curses (which really do work by the way), Vera submits, giving in to Kimmy's relentless onslaught, surrendering her womanhood to Kimmy. Gives in completely, utterly spent, ravished by Kimmy's punishing, rock-hard tennis prowess.

Mary Carrillo tried hard to be her usual dickish self, but actually Vera miraculously composed herself and Kimmy is the nicest person on the planet (also probably nicer than most people on Mars), so it didn't really take. She didn't have anything much to work with. She did try though, suggesting the "moment" was too much for Vera. Truthfully, Kimmy was just extremely tough.

By the way, Mars!

So there you have it people - the Ladies' final. Kimmy rules, everyone else drools. Watch for lots more players to quit and have babies, looking for that competitive edge. and marry people from New Jersey. And be Flemish. And, and, do the splits a lot. And, win lots of tennis games. Oh wait they are already trying to do that. Serena starts dating The Situation? Sam Stosur has triplets? We shall see...

RR out

Hanging Out at Tennis X, I Discover There Are Robots Amongst Us

Yes, it is true. There are robots among us, people who look like people but are actually robots built by Martians and then smuggled down to earth in a rad spaceship that maybe was invisible to the human eye and then- like, the Martians dropped off their elaborately and specifically wired robots to run loose in the world and then, like, got back on their invisible spaceship and returned to Mars, and like, that is why we didn't see the Martians.

Also, this Nole Fed match is pretty awesome. A real match. Sort of rooting for Nole, although I dig Federer.

Anyway, one such robot built by the Martians goes by the name of "Zinaldo". Now, I am pretty sure back on Mars, when they built "Zinaldo" his/her real name, her Martian robot name, was Zshreebutnkzzzz, or something like that. Anyway, I think these robots were built because Martians are trying to take over the Earth (despite them letting us use their planet for things like body mooshing) and think they can do so by dropping these inconspicous robots around the planet, robots that have different ways of- trying to take over the earth. So "Zinaldo" (really Zshreebutnkzzz) was specially designed to annoy people sooooo badly, that like, smoke starts blowing out of their ears and then they explode and die, or maybe they explode and their human energy flies upward to space and is sucked over to Mars so not only are the robots killing off the human race, but they ensure that our energy is theirs for their use. Like maybe, they use our energy to power their bedside lamps. Not sure. But I am pretty sure "Zinaldo" is the robot of annoyance and that it is part of a Martian conspiracy, I'm just not sure about the bedside lamps.

Anyway, you can see for yourself by clicking here and going over to Tennis X and scrolling down and reading "Zinaldo's" comments. And then you can decide if I'm right or not. I think you will find my theory pretty believable. Other people comment and say things like "shut your mouth, Zinaldo", or "Shut up Zinaldo", but I think we really need to take a real hard look at what could ACTUALLY being going on with "Zinaldo".

This third set is fantastic, between Nole and the Fed.

Wow, and this fourth set- I missed some of it to take a shower- but- I love it. I like seesawing sets- very exciting. I also like seesaws, because they are fun. Up and down, up and down. Wheeee!

Wow. A FIFTH IS ON THE WAY! Five setters rock.

Yours Truly,

Paula

Facebook Chatting About Vera and Youzhny

2:26pmMe

this match is boring me

the kimmy match was great

2:26pmRon

i think want zvonereva to win

2:26pmMe

I don't think she can

But it would be a great upset- I like Vera

I like Kimmy too- but she's won it twice

2:27pmRon

she's all emotional and crazy

2:27pmMe

Vera is on new meds I think, less crazy

like me

maybe klonopin, like me

2:28pmRon

yes that's a turn-on...part of why i lke her

but i also like kimmy

2:28pmMe

It's fun

kimmy is sweet, vera is all crazy - the self flagallating lest year was rad

I also think she's not gay

you can just imagine having to pin her down and control her

she's sexy crazy

2:29pmRon

yes excatly

2:29pmMe

haha

2:30pmRon

she needs to be controlled

2:30pmMe

exactly

2:30pmRon

and to be taught

2:30pmMe

it would be fun for a dude to wrestle her down-

the sense of struggle and then

accomplishment

2:30pmRon

yes..would be a real struggle

2:31pmMe

this all has to go on my blog

2:32pmRon

yes..it belongs there

2:28pm

2:30p

2:34pmMe

I want Youz to break here

Did you read about my little conversation with youz in the elevator?

2:34pmRon

no

2:35pmMe

oh wait - did I get the score wrong? i did

I'm out of it

2:35pmRon

yes

he did break

last game

2:35pmMe

my brain is mush

I chatted up youz in the elevator in toronto

I find him attractive

2:36pmRon

nadal

he's going to win the touramnet

2:37pmMe

i would like that

I like Nole to win too- but not sure- Fed is playing really well

goddamn- poor youz

he might need some consoling

I could console him after his loss

like, pretty much let him do whatever he wants

maybe he'll be all angry and need to take out his aggression

2:39pmRon

haha

2:39pmMe

or maybe he'll be sad and need to be stroked gently and consoled like that-- brought back to life from his sadness

2:39pmRon

he knew he never had a chance

Nadal .v. Verdasco US Open 2010 - Ladies Love Cool Fernando

Hey - it's RR here again -

Help me People! P is not blogging. Why? She has been hanging out on Tennis-X and commenting a lot, and it's sapping her creative juices! They are sapping her creative juices and turning them into creative syrup, to pour on their own pancakes, by boiling them and adding sugar!!! It's terrible. I feel the crushing burden of having to blog, all on my own... carrying a giant, crushing weight, like I was pushing a giant stone Blog up a hill, only to have it roll down and have to do it again, day in, day out...

I'm trying to make her feel bad - can you tell? Mind you, she is having a lot of fun on Tennis-X...

HEY! We were there! Last night, for Woz-Cibulkova and then Federer-Soderling. First time I saw Fed live. He was like a god. And I am not a generally drooling Fed fan. But even from er like 100 rows up, he just had this aura. Soderling, a big strong fella and great player, did not have that aura.

It was pretty much womp, womp. Anyway we had fun. Good company. $300 spent on sweaters because it was freezing! I was a little surprised that Soderling went down so easy. I had high hopes. Anyway, despite 2 straight set matches it was still 1 AM when we got home...

Tonight we are watching Nadal-Verdasco. Had tickets but, too tired! Also, 9AM meeting tomorrow. Sigh.

P says they call Verdasco "hot sauce" on Tennis-X. She is trying to get them to adopt "Ladies' Choice". I suggested "LL Cool F".

By the way, we bought Cheesewad a shirt in Toronto, and it turns out to be Nadal's nighttime shirt! Cool!

Rockytoad and I got to see Nadal and Gonzo almost COURTSIDE last year - incidentally with tickets from the same folks we skipped out on tonight. But tonight, the seats were high in the bleachers. By the way, it's still fun up there...

Anyway, enough for now. So far Verdasco is punching through the considerable wind better than Nadal. I am kinda surprised. I thought spin was good in the wind? Who knows. Oh wait just noticed they are back on serve! More later... my hard-earned cash is on Rafa, what can I say.

RR out - for now.

Leni, Stosur, and Yahoo Answers!

RR Here -

P is not blogging. I apologize to our readers - I tell her that her readers need her. I am trying. She is hanging out on Tennis X too much and it's sapping her.... blog juice? I tell her to just blog what she is commenting... whatever. Trying.

Leni and Stosur. Martina is such a pleasure. Even Tracey is not bugging me too much. Maybe she read my post from yesterday and is trying to mellow out? Not be such a scary beotch? On reflection, I think that is definitely the case. Trace, if you read this, you're on the right track to rejoining the human race. Keep it up. Humanizing.

Tonight, we took a little break from watching tennis, actually while watching tennis but like break in what we were actually thinking and talking about, and hung out on Yahoo! Answers. It's like the new Amazon Reviews! Some of the questions we looked into were, "Andy Capp Hot Fries - Yuck or Yum?" In fact that was the one that got us there - P has a thing for Hot Fries. But then, that led us to other fascinating questions, like, "do u like chicken? and do u like ham?" That was what I called a "bong-hit question" - whoever asked that (I think his name was... Austin? I forget) did a giant bong hit and then typed that question in. Also, "could you die from eating a whole octopus?" That question is unresolved.

That all had nothing to do with tennis. Except that, when you watch a ton of tennis, you need to have a little downtime or multitask a little or something.

Leni is playing kind of awesome -just won the second set - but her new serve motion, it's like the serve of a retard. Not that it isn't working - and not that I don't sometimes do something similar - like when all hell is breaking loose on the serve and you try to do as little as possible - but it looks... retarded. But we love Leni and are pulling for her. Love Stosur too - but gotta pull for Leni. COME ON!

Back to the match - no more hanging out on Yahoo Answers... life is too short. But I laughed so hard tears shot out of my eyes and splattered on the computer screen...

RR out

Mardy Fish Talks About His Diet in This Video

Djokovic vs. Blake: Butt Battle! And, Tracey Austin Torn Apart by Wild Dogs

It's Djokovic and Blake, and man, these guys have giant asses.

Blake's is immediately evident. It fills up half the TV screen. We are in the country, where our TV is smaller, but I don't think that makes a difference. I think on our big TV it would be even bigger! Ginormous butt, a tennis-engine butt machine shooshing him around the court.

Djokovic, today it is not quite as overwhelmingly evident on the TV - but P tells me that in person playing doubles in Canada, his butt was like a giant shelf you could put your things on - keys, wallet, the mail, a few chotchkys, a picture of your mum, etc. And, bent over and waiting for the return, he held it still, so the things would not fall off if you put them there, not like Clijsters, who wags her rear around whilst waiting to return.

Tennis is a Metaphor for Life (aka Must Watch Tennis all The Time) has produced brave reporting on tennis players' asses before - read more here.

Butts, butts, butts.

Anyway, in other news, whenever we've been watching the Tennis channel, we've indulged in detailed fantasies about horrible, violent things happening to Tracey Austin. In one version, one of the camera men dropped his camera, so it was like lying on the ground showing a sideways shot, and he ran after Tracey screaming "Shut the fuck up, you idiot, I've been listening to your stupid shit all day and I can't take it any more!" Blood splatters around the room, and Tracey's face falls to the ground in front of the abandoned camera, THUNK! Then in the background you see the camera man being led away by cops, weeping quietly and mumbling, "I'm sorry, I just couldn't stand it", and the cops saying, "we understand, we'll talk to the DA, should be Man 1" (a little Law and Order creeping in here - sometimes we take breaks from tennis and watch Laws and Orders).

In another version, we got really irritated with Jim Courier on CBS today, so we started to imagine Tracey and Jim in an all-out, no holds barred jailhouse blood quest death battle. Jim is talking, saying something like "Monfills should really try to play tennis better" when Tracey, motivated by who know what evil voices in her twisted, otherwise empty head, creeps up behind, picks up a heavy mike boom and WHAM! Smacks Jim in the back of the head. Blood sprays everywhere - onto the camera lens, like, in front of the players on the court (maybe that's not realistic but... it's fantasy!). But Jim is still a fit guy, and he doesn't go down easy - he grabs the complimentary pen provided for commentators to write notes like "these players are not as good as ME" on the complimentary note pads during the commercial breaks, and, even as he slumps to the ground, swings round and jabs the pen straight into Tracey's pulsating jugular vein. Blood gushes out as Tracey makes a bitchy face and says "Jim, that's all you got? You always were a pussy" - meanwhile the color drains out of her face as her life essence sprays out all over the horrified camera crew and poor Ted Robinson, who is scowling at the unprofessionalism of his pathetic actual-tennis-player colleagues. She collapses to the floor, on the way down, grabbing a heavy paper weight and bringing it down on Jim's head, splattering new waves of blood everywhere, even as he, with his last breath, snags a steak knife off the remains of the lunch spread and juts it up into Tracey's bony ribcage as she collapses down onto him, provoking new giant spurts of blood and gore.

Anyway you get the idea -not too fond of Tracey and Jim. Jimmy (Connors) and Martina on the other hand are kind of cute together.

Going - RR out

Taco Night - Mandy Minella, Dustin Brown - All The Beautiful Young People at the US Open

RR Here -

We've really been enjoying our Open but I have been scared to blog ever since P rocked the "body mooshing" post, because it was so awesome.

But life goes on so here I go. Mandy Minella is kind of hot. So I looked her up - she's from Luxembourg?? I thought she'd be from like Staten Island, or the Bronx?!? Mandy Minella? Well who knows. Maybe she moved to Luxembourg from Staten Island. I would. Not that I have anything against Staten Island - I like Staten Island. But Luxembourg is like a magic island of rich people, so who wouldn't want to be there. Oops she just lost -but great run. Qualifiers are always cute and inspiring.

Serena looks really hot. She looks pretty different. Pam is talking about it right now. I mean, she does look smoking. But different - the hair? Not sure. Can't figure it out. Anyway it's not just me, Pam said it too.

Anyway my post - Mandy Minella, Dustin Brown, that French kid that played Verdasco... who are these people? They are really good at tennis. We had a awesome time in Toronto at the Rogers because from day one, there are great matches going on, but the slams are fun for the random people you have never heard of who qualify, and once in a while make a run. And even though they are who? they are all really awesome at tennis!

Night matches at the US are fun. We have tickets for next Thursday. It's best when it gets really late and everyone is drunk and lots of people leave and you get to scootch up close and people are being all wild and weird. I liked that Djokovic talked about his weiner for example, because something about the US Open, people seem to kind of get a little wild. Like that time someone got shot when it was at Forest Hills? Maybe too much. But still, tennis' Altamont moment, and it happened in New York. YEAH!

RR out