BRAVEHEART VERSUS THE JOKER: LIVE BLOG

3:31 AM

Hi everybody. My name is Mike Young, and Paula is graciously letting me liveblog. What I mean is that I promised I would live blog the Australian Open Final if Murray got into it, so here I am. My friend Jack and I are sitting in his house, surrounded by ice and snow and weird hipsters walking home from Saturday night doo-wap dancing. We have coffee and Ezra Brooks whiskey. Jack is explaining to me that the Woz told everybody a kangaroo bit her. Now he is talking about how his wife looks like Kim Clijsters, and his wife is deeply asleep in the other room. Meanwhile, ESPN is showing really melodramatic close-ups of Andy Murray's chin scraggle.

3:35 AM




3:37 AM


Man, some kid's Make-a-Wish was to get a picture with the finalists at the Australian Open? Also, he looks like a Djokovic fan.

3:39 AM

Just to let Paula's fans down early: we are not going to talk about how attractive Murray or Djokovic are until after we drink a lot more whiskey. Also the announcers really like Djokovic because one of the announcers sounds Australian, and Australians resent people from Great Britain because Australia used to be a giant jail. Jack says Murray is going to win because he's wearing green.

3:45 AM

Brad Gilbert is talking about how he got the chance to sit down exclusively and touch Djokovic's knee. Wait, the match just started. Jack is going to make sure we have enough muffins.

3:47 AM

Djokovic just won the first game. We are talking about the dead spot controversy. We've concluded that tennis has the furriest ball of any major professional pursuit, and also the bounciest. Djokovic's dad isn't wearing the Shirt, which makes Jack sad. What Shirt? Look to your left.

3:53 AM


Jack says Murray likes to get beat early because that makes him want it more later. I said that's very British of him. I have a feeling this liveblong is going to get more and more offensive as we go. I accidentally just typed blong. Murray might get broken in his first game. Or maybe not. They just exchanged massive cross-court forehands and Murray won the point. Our other friend Sean hasn't shown up yet, and he is rooting for the Joker, so he will provide exciting narrative tension. ESPN just showed a close up of Murray's face and we laughed and Jack said "Rat grimace." We are wondering if the Australian Open rubberized courts are even faster than the U.S. Open hardcourts, but this live blog is too important to interrupt with research.

3:57 AM

Jack says the ball-kids at the Australian Open are faster than any other major. I said I want video review for a lot of things in my life. Murray still hasn't won his first goddamn service game.

4:07 AM

Murray took five deuces to hold his first service game. To celebrate, here is a picture of Murray attacking his girlfriend's nose:




4:02 AM

Jack and I agree that this is probably the last Australian Open for a while because the world next year will be embroiled in nuclear war, or gone completely, after Egypt collapses, and then every other country in the Middle East collapses, and then Israel drops a bunch of bombs on any sandy spots it can find. Also we also agree that maybe the Australian ball kids look faster because of their floppy yellow hats. Also we're eating oranges, even though it's 5 degrees outside in Massachusetts, which doesn't have a lot of orange trees. We figure this is maybe the third to last month we'll get to eat oranges before the world collapses.

4:14 AM

Murray is looking a little better, wearing the Joker down, just made a very regal overhead smash. One of the announcers just said "These guys have two hands." Whoa, Murray just went from scrambling defense to a killer cross-court backhand.

4:27 AM

They're staying on serve, some exciting rallies, not a ton. The announcer just said "Flowing brown and nasty." Jack and I are talking about the function of cataloging in prose, James Agee and Stanley Crawford, but I at least am getting a little incoherent. If Jack is feeling incoherent, he is masking it with enthusiasm. Now we are fantasizing that Jack's wife will sleepwalk to the grocery store and buy bacon and then cook the bacon for us. Murray's foreheads really hug the net, and when Djokovic hits something really hard he looks like he's about to kill a bird with mild regret. Also Djokovic is making some dumb errors.

4:33 AM

ESPN just interrupted the match to show a video of a girl jogging to court with new rackets. If the first set stays on pace, it will have taken about an hour and a half. The announcer just said "You're not buying the buddies thing."

4:38 AM

Jack just said Murray is Micky Ward and Djokovic is Dickie Eklund.

4:42 AM

Djokovic is two points away from breaking Murray and winning the set. Now when he is hitting big balls and working Murray all around the court, his close-up face looks like he is making one of those high pitched "wise guy eh?" jokes and he is relishing the opportunity to make this joke. The rallies are getting kind of insanely good now.

4:46 AM

Djokovic just broke Murray and won the first set. Murray needs to stop playing defense, man. He reminds me of that guy who waits until a girl he likes in high school is collecting Social Security and vacationing in a raft on a lake in Maine before finally telling her he likes her.

4:57 AM

Murray just got broken again trying to make a too cute forehead drop shot. ESPN keeps showing slo-mo shots of Djokovic's legs. If anybody has a calf fetish, they are getting their money's worth.

5:05 AM

Murray is falling apart! Awful unforced errors. Also there is a Serbian in the crowd wearing a singlet.

5:16 AM

Murray showing some life down 1-5 in the second set. Djokovic is squeezing his eyes together with his fingers, say the announcers. Wait, Murray is squeezing his eyes. But Djokovic wears contacts. I can't keep up. Murray just broke Djokovic. Down 2-5 now. Now there is a bowling commercial. Jack just made a Karate Kid reference. We both agree that if someone wanted to make us bacon and eggs we wouldn't be like "No thank you, we don't want bacon and eggs," we would be like "Hell yeah, gimme dem bacon and eggs."

5:25 AM

Djokovic just won the second set. Melbourne, Australia had a confusing commercial for itself with some girl meeting herself in a puddle? There are some orange peels near my gloves.

5:33 AM

Murray has a break point. The announcers just said "The dark side." Jack said "Negative energy capacity." Boom, great forehand down the line from Murray, and a surprising winner after a series of defensive plunkies, but he found his spot. Murray up a break in the third set. He keeps shushing his camp. We think maybe he's high.

5:35 AM

The announcers just said, of Murray's mom, "Judy was a player but she never really made it on tour," and we thought it sounded like a Belle & Sebastian song. Until tonight I thought Andy Murray was Welsh for some reason? Of course he is Scottish, duh.

5:47 AM

Murray keeps going for this inside out backhand down the line and missing it wide. The announcers just said "Lots of F words from Murray on the court. He always says focus." He just biffed a backhand at deuce and gave Djokovic a break point. Okay, another ace to get back to deuce. In my experience it's a bad sign when somebody is hanging on by their aces. Jack just said "Where is his dad?" Murray just made a bad drop shot, lost the point on a cutesy lob, and got back to deuce on another serve. Then another shitty backhand into the net. The announcers are saying Murray's mom is a better competitor than he is.

5:50 AM

Finally Murray nailed that inside out backhand. Jack used a Jewish Mom accent to talk about Murray's mom. Murray's mom made a fist pump. We are almost out of whiskey. Ad Murray. He just biffed a slice backhand into the net. Jack just said "You piece of shit." Murray needs to stop checking replays and start playing some goddamn tennis.

5:54 AM

Djokovic just did a great job staying in the point and making a killer forehand down the line. It's all over but the Scottish eggs, folks. I call Murray losing in three, winning maybe one more game. 4, 2, 2 is my prediction.

5:55 AM

Braveheart, more like LAMEHEART. Announcers actually made a William Wallace/Braveheart reference, saying William Wallace needs to come back from the dead and dunk Murray in a bucket of blue warpaint. Actually I made that up. They said something boring.

6:00 AM


Jack has added a Scottish burr to his Jewish mom accent, and it seems to be working. Murray just broke Nole to bring things back on serve.

6:10 AM

I don't like how mean Murray is to his camp. I do like the guy with the sunglasses in Djokovic's camp. Now there is a very sad SPCA commercial.

6:14 AM

Every time Nole lands a fluky-ass lob, Murray doesn't capitalize and lets him back in the point and ends up losing the point. Not to say that Djokovic isn't landing some huge shots, covering tons of ground, having an amazing service game (70% first serves in!), and nailing all his spots.

6:18 AM

Djokovic broke Murray AGAIN. All he needs to do is hold serve to win the whole blooming onion. The whole Vegemite factory.

6:23 AM

Tournament point for the Jokuh.

6:24 AM

That's it. Into the net from Murray and Djokovic wins his second Australian Open. He's giving away his shoes into the crowd. Holy shit he's giving everything away. He just grabbed Murray's mom and threw her into the crowd, and she was already in the crowd.

6:26 AM
Final score: 6-4, 6-2. 6-3. Man. What a bummer. Not really even all that exciting of a match. Gonna finish this whiskey and go home in the cold, cold dawn. The TV just said "It would just break his funky little heart." Next week there will be more snow! Thank you Paula for letting me live blog, thanks to Jack for provision of house and muffins, and congratulations to Djokovic fans worldwide. Your boy has very symmetrical chest hair.