Must Watch Tennis All The Time

Highlights from Auckland

2011-02-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

Heeey Rowan here, I told Paula I was gonna post something about the Auckland WTA and ATP tournaments, which took place just before the Aussie Open, then I forgot, then I remembered, so here you go.

We had a great field for the women’s tournament this year, with Sharapova, Kuznetsova and Safina all coming for the first time. Defending champ Yanina Wickmayer was there too, and she got Safina in the first round, ouch, but she came through in a good three setter. Kuz lost to Peng Shuai (happy Chinese New Year everyobdy!) in the second round and Sharapova lost to Greta Arn (who?) in the quarters, but it was nice to see them live and in person. Poor old Maria, she’ll always have that never give up attitude but she still has some big issues with her game. Plus sexy German Julia Goerges was wearing the same outfit as Maria and filled it out better than she did. Not Maria’s week.

Lots of sightings of Alize Cornet and her nose which made me happy. She came back from a set and 2-5 down to win her first round match in three sets, screaming things in French all the way. She lost to Goerges in the second round but then made the semis in the doubles, where she was nice enough to lose to hometown Kiwi Marina Erakovic. Merci Alizé, à la prochaine.

In the end Greta Arn (who?) won the whole tournament (what?) beating Wickmayer in the final. See if something like this happened in professional wrestling, I mean an unknown midcarder getting a series of impressive upset victories, then you can bet the matchmakers in the back would have a plan for this person. This would be the beginning of what we wrestling fans call a push, the first step on Greta Arn’s road to becoming a championship contender. But unfortunately tennis is not like wrestling, and this Greta Arn victory will probably not lead to anything at all. This is part one in a twelve part series called Why Wrestling Is Almost Better Than Tennis. Nah I’m just playing. Twelve parts is too much.

In the men’s tournament we had Ferrer, Nalbandian, Isner, Robredo and other solid guys. Nalbandian looked really good all week, he dismantled John Isner’s giant serve and deconstructed Nicolas Almagro’s fiery one handed backhand. But then he forgot how to play tennis in the final against Ferrer and lost 63 62, it was a bit of a let down. See if this was wrestling, Ferrer and Nalbandian would have put on a 45 minute best two out of three falls classic. The young top ten lion Ferrer would have won in the end, but not without a heck of a battle. Nalbandian’s valiant losing effort (during which he would have got busted open and bled all over the ring, and the referee would have said, David I'm gonna have to stop it, but Nalby would have shouted DON'T YOU DARE STOP THIS MATCH, and Ferrer would have been reluctant to keep beating up on his wounded opponent, but Nalby would have slapped his face and told him to bring it, and then they would have wrestled another twenty minutes until Ferrer finally eked out the win) would have done more for his standing than any victory, as he would have won the hearts of the fans and shown that he is on his way back to the top ten and one final shot at the world heavyweight championship that has eluded him throughout his storied career. Or at least a run with the tag team championships. I mean Davis Cup.

Happy 2011 everybody! It's gonna be a good season, I can feel it.

The 2011 Australian Open Women and Men's Finals

2011-01-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

Ladies First.

The Beginning of this match was all about boob sweat. Poor Kimmy had two perfect circles of sweat on her boobs. It made her lose the first set. RR and I like both Kimmy and Li Na, so we were excited to see either win. In the second set, Kimmy's sweat morphed into all over body sweat, undoing the unfortunate boob circles of sweat. This made her play much better, because she didn't have to be so embarrassed and instead, she could concentrate on stepping into the court and whacking the crap out of the ball deep into the corners. Funny, how much boobs affect tennis.

Here are some really dumb moments that happened during the ladies final. The commentators said some dumb things and some things they said, like, over and over and over again. For instance, Will Li Na Be The First Asian to win a grand slam? This was asked over and over again. I was like, hm, maybe we should stop asking this and instead, like, wait and see what actually happens. Then Rick Rock said, "Will Kim Clijsters be the first Asian to win a grand slam?" This made us crack up. Then there was the reeeeeeeaaallly unfortunate moment when after Li Na played an awesome defense to offense winner of a backhand, Dick Enberg yelled out "The Great Wall of China"! RR and I looked at each other in disbelief. The box got suddenly very silence after that and I could just see the programmers whispering to Dick, "Dude, you CANNOT say that??!! OK??!!" In that kind of whisper which is angry even if it's not loud, because, anyway, the whole thing had to go away and be covered up. Anyway, then Rick Rock said, "General Chow's Chicken!" and we cracked up again. We were making fun of Dick Enberg, BTW, not poor Li Na.

I loved Li Na's speech at the end. That thing about loving her husband no matter what, even if he got fat and old? It was so cute. I was worried she was going to complain to the Chinese fans of whom she complained a lot to the chair, which was a bummer, because she needed to just not pay attention to that and focus on her amazing tennis. She got distracted by them and they were loud. At one point, Nick said, "what's up with the Chinese fans, have they become Serbs?" Which I thought was a very good question.

Then Kimmy's speech which started out with thanking the dentist who fixed her chipped tooth. Now, that was hilarious. But I did want to know how she chipped her tooth. I hope her husband didn't punch her. I hope she drunkenly fell down and smacked her tooth on the kitchen table...that would be a "fun" way to chip your tooth- drinking and partying and shit--as opposed to being punched.

Men's final commentary to follow!

Djoker and Murray. I like both these players. I felt that the Beeg (Brad Gilbert) was wrong in his prediction of Murray in five and as we are in the third (back on serve) and Djoker is playing way more solid that Murray, I was right and the Beeg was wrong!!!! I like the Beeg, don't get me wrong, I like his "color commentary" for the most part. The confusing thing about the Beeg is that we have the same name! Rick Rock calls me "beeg" all the time! (It's short for "baby girl".) Anyway, when I get to meet the Beeg, I think we'll bond on that issue. I look forward to that day. Someday soon, I'll add a little link here to the time I met Killer Cahill.

Murray is not being mentally tough. He's not moving well. I think it's the stress. Thank GOD he didn't get bagelled in that second set! Sheesh. This third set is way more fun. I like the skull and crossbones on Murray's mom's sweatshirt. I walked by her once or twice in Canada last summer and she's a little lady. His father must be a bruiser because Andy's a big strong man. Anybody have any info on Andy's dad? We got his hot brother, Jamie, and his hardass mom. But what of his dad???

Which leads me to- The Serbs. I have not seen the Djoker's parents? Is that right? And what of the Serb fan who is in a skin tight wrestling uniform and you can see his nipples and the outline of his penis? That was WRONG. People love to hate the Djoker's parents, (notice that Maria Sharapova seems to have quietly fired her father and this whole Serena "injury" thing -I worry she's getting work done too, because she looked really different the last time I saw her on TV, but I digress) but let's take a quick look at their likely history (now, this is just theory, I actually don't know these things for facts). First, all Serbs are Greeks that got the short end of the stick, so to speak. Greeks- everyone loves the Greeks. But the Serbs are the Greeks that got chased up to the mountains, probably over some disputes about a goat, and hey, just because they got chased up the mountain, doesn't even mean they stole a goat, it could mean the other guy had a big old shovel or pitchfork and got him on the surprise and like, he just had to run to save himself from getting smashed over the head or, like, stuck in the gut with a pitchfork all Friday the 13thy. Or he could have stolen the goat. Regardless, for centuries, these poor "really are Greeks" have been stuck in the freezing ass mountains, barely getting by by running pizza and pancake restaurants, occasionally getting pillaged and raped by Mongol hoards from the East, and Viking-bear fur-wearing barbarians from the North. So because of this, they sort of are ill behaved raging desperate people, who really can't help it because they've been cut off from the good life for so long.

Oh man, I feel for Murray. The Djoker is just too solid. I really had hoped this would go longer. But the dude kicked the Fed's butt so maybe this is not so surprising.

I would love to console Murray or celebrate wildly with Nole. Either the consoling or the decadent celebrating would involve nudity and lots of touching. The consoling would be melancholy and soothing touching and nudity, the celebrating would be joyous and aggressive fun nudity and touching.

Nole is getting naked now, in preparation for his celebration. I am so sad I'm not there. I'm jealous.

I still believe in Murray. Clijsters lost her first four times at trying to win a Major-so - Murray has a chance

Yours Truly,

Paula

BRAVEHEART VERSUS THE JOKER: LIVE BLOG

2011-01-30T00:30:00.000-08:00

3:31 AM

Hi everybody. My name is Mike Young, and Paula is graciously letting me liveblog. What I mean is that I promised I would live blog the Australian Open Final if Murray got into it, so here I am. My friend Jack and I are sitting in his house, surrounded by ice and snow and weird hipsters walking home from Saturday night doo-wap dancing. We have coffee and Ezra Brooks whiskey. Jack is explaining to me that the Woz told everybody a kangaroo bit her. Now he is talking about how his wife looks like Kim Clijsters, and his wife is deeply asleep in the other room. Meanwhile, ESPN is showing really melodramatic close-ups of Andy Murray's chin scraggle.

3:35 AM

3:37 AM

Man, some kid's Make-a-Wish was to get a picture with the finalists at the Australian Open? Also, he looks like a Djokovic fan.

3:39 AM

Just to let Paula's fans down early: we are not going to talk about how attractive Murray or Djokovic are until after we drink a lot more whiskey. Also the announcers really like Djokovic because one of the announcers sounds Australian, and Australians resent people from Great Britain because Australia used to be a giant jail. Jack says Murray is going to win because he's wearing green.

3:45 AM

Brad Gilbert is talking about how he got the chance to sit down exclusively and touch Djokovic's knee. Wait, the match just started. Jack is going to make sure we have enough muffins.

3:47 AM

Djokovic just won the first game. We are talking about the dead spot controversy. We've concluded that tennis has the furriest ball of any major professional pursuit, and also the bounciest. Djokovic's dad isn't wearing the Shirt, which makes Jack sad. What Shirt? Look to your left.

3:53 AM

Jack says Murray likes to get beat early because that makes him want it more later. I said that's very British of him. I have a feeling this liveblong is going to get more and more offensive as we go. I accidentally just typed blong. Murray might get broken in his first game. Or maybe not. They just exchanged massive cross-court forehands and Murray won the point. Our other friend Sean hasn't shown up yet, and he is rooting for the Joker, so he will provide exciting narrative tension. ESPN just showed a close up of Murray's face and we laughed and Jack said "Rat grimace." We are wondering if the Australian Open rubberized courts are even faster than the U.S. Open hardcourts, but this live blog is too important to interrupt with research.

3:57 AM

Jack says the ball-kids at the Australian Open are faster than any other major. I said I want video review for a lot of things in my life. Murray still hasn't won his first goddamn service game.

4:07 AM

Murray took five deuces to hold his first service game. To celebrate, here is a picture of Murray attacking his girlfriend's nose:

4:02 AM

Jack and I agree that this is probably the last Australian Open for a while because the world next year will be embroiled in nuclear war, or gone completely, after Egypt collapses, and then every other country in the Middle East collapses, and then Israel drops a bunch of bombs on any sandy spots it can find. Also we also agree that maybe the Australian ball kids look faster because of their floppy yellow hats. Also we're eating oranges, even though it's 5 degrees outside in Massachusetts, which doesn't have a lot of orange trees. We figure this is maybe the third to last month we'll get to eat oranges before the world collapses.

4:14 AM

Murray is looking a little better, wearing the Joker down, just made a very regal overhead smash. One of the announcers just said "These guys have two hands." Whoa, Murray just went from scrambling defense to a killer cross-court backhand.

4:27 AM

They're staying on serve, some exciting rallies, not a ton. The announcer just said "Flowing brown and nasty." Jack and I are talking about the function of cataloging in prose, James Agee and Stanley Crawford, but I at least am getting a little incoherent. If Jack is feeling incoherent, he is masking it with enthusiasm. Now we are fantasizing that Jack's wife will sleepwalk to the grocery store and buy bacon and then cook the bacon for us. Murray's foreheads really hug the net, and when Djokovic hits something really hard he looks like he's about to kill a bird with mild regret. Also Djokovic is making some dumb errors.

4:33 AM

ESPN just interrupted the match to show a video of a girl jogging to court with new rackets. If the first set stays on pace, it will have taken about an hour and a half. The announcer just said "You're not buying the buddies thing."

4:38 AM

Jack just said Murray is Micky Ward and Djokovic is Dickie Eklund.

4:42 AM

Djokovic is two points away from breaking Murray and winning the set. Now when he is hitting big balls and working Murray all around the court, his close-up face looks like he is making one of those high pitched "wise guy eh?" jokes and he is relishing the opportunity to make this joke. The rallies are getting kind of insanely good now.

4:46 AM

Djokovic just broke Murray and won the first set. Murray needs to stop playing defense, man. He reminds me of that guy who waits until a girl he likes in high school is collecting Social Security and vacationing in a raft on a lake in Maine before finally telling her he likes her.

4:57 AM

Murray just got broken again trying to make a too cute forehead drop shot. ESPN keeps showing slo-mo shots of Djokovic's legs. If anybody has a calf fetish, they are getting their money's worth.

5:05 AM

Murray is falling apart! Awful unforced errors. Also there is a Serbian in the crowd wearing a singlet.

5:16 AM

Murray showing some life down 1-5 in the second set. Djokovic is squeezing his eyes together with his fingers, say the announcers. Wait, Murray is squeezing his eyes. But Djokovic wears contacts. I can't keep up. Murray just broke Djokovic. Down 2-5 now. Now there is a bowling commercial. Jack just made a Karate Kid reference. We both agree that if someone wanted to make us bacon and eggs we wouldn't be like "No thank you, we don't want bacon and eggs," we would be like "Hell yeah, gimme dem bacon and eggs."

5:25 AM

Djokovic just won the second set. Melbourne, Australia had a confusing commercial for itself with some girl meeting herself in a puddle? There are some orange peels near my gloves.

5:33 AM

Murray has a break point. The announcers just said "The dark side." Jack said "Negative energy capacity." Boom, great forehand down the line from Murray, and a surprising winner after a series of defensive plunkies, but he found his spot. Murray up a break in the third set. He keeps shushing his camp. We think maybe he's high.

5:35 AM

The announcers just said, of Murray's mom, "Judy was a player but she never really made it on tour," and we thought it sounded like a Belle & Sebastian song. Until tonight I thought Andy Murray was Welsh for some reason? Of course he is Scottish, duh.

5:47 AM

Murray keeps going for this inside out backhand down the line and missing it wide. The announcers just said "Lots of F words from Murray on the court. He always says focus." He just biffed a backhand at deuce and gave Djokovic a break point. Okay, another ace to get back to deuce. In my experience it's a bad sign when somebody is hanging on by their aces. Jack just said "Where is his dad?" Murray just made a bad drop shot, lost the point on a cutesy lob, and got back to deuce on another serve. Then another shitty backhand into the net. The announcers are saying Murray's mom is a better competitor than he is.

5:50 AM

Finally Murray nailed that inside out backhand. Jack used a Jewish Mom accent to talk about Murray's mom. Murray's mom made a fist pump. We are almost out of whiskey. Ad Murray. He just biffed a slice backhand into the net. Jack just said "You piece of shit." Murray needs to stop checking replays and start playing some goddamn tennis.

5:54 AM

Djokovic just did a great job staying in the point and making a killer forehand down the line. It's all over but the Scottish eggs, folks. I call Murray losing in three, winning maybe one more game. 4, 2, 2 is my prediction.

5:55 AM

Braveheart, more like LAMEHEART. Announcers actually made a William Wallace/Braveheart reference, saying William Wallace needs to come back from the dead and dunk Murray in a bucket of blue warpaint. Actually I made that up. They said something boring.

6:00 AM

Jack has added a Scottish burr to his Jewish mom accent, and it seems to be working. Murray just broke Nole to bring things back on serve.

6:10 AM

I don't like how mean Murray is to his camp. I do like the guy with the sunglasses in Djokovic's camp. Now there is a very sad SPCA commercial.

6:14 AM

Every time Nole lands a fluky-ass lob, Murray doesn't capitalize and lets him back in the point and ends up losing the point. Not to say that Djokovic isn't landing some huge shots, covering tons of ground, having an amazing service game (70% first serves in!), and nailing all his spots.

6:18 AM

Djokovic broke Murray AGAIN. All he needs to do is hold serve to win the whole blooming onion. The whole Vegemite factory.

6:23 AM

Tournament point for the Jokuh.

6:24 AM

That's it. Into the net from Murray and Djokovic wins his second Australian Open. He's giving away his shoes into the crowd. Holy shit he's giving everything away. He just grabbed Murray's mom and threw her into the crowd, and she was already in the crowd.

6:26 AM
Final score: 6-4, 6-2. 6-3. Man. What a bummer. Not really even all that exciting of a match. Gonna finish this whiskey and go home in the cold, cold dawn. The TV just said "It would just break his funky little heart." Next week there will be more snow! Thank you Paula for letting me live blog, thanks to Jack for provision of house and muffins, and congratulations to Djokovic fans worldwide. Your boy has very symmetrical chest hair.

Nadal v. Djokovic

2010-09-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

Finally, the final. I'm hanging out on Tennis X, being alarmed by the rudeness and the stupidity, but also, enjoying the nice people and the non-idiots. I'm drinking a martini and vaping, which is not nearly as fun as smoking.

I was happy Nole took the second set. I want this to be a real match and so far, well, at least it will at least be a four setter.

I want to thank all my readers for coming by this US Open. I got 800 hits this US Open, and that's a lot for a blog that pretends to be about tennis, is about tennis sort of, but goes off on sex and drinking and Mars and cat pee and stuff a lot. So, big thanks for reading people.

This is a passionate match. I'd be happy of either one wins- and I think one of them will-and I'll be sad for the loser.

They just showed Nole's box and his mom was gone- must be at the ladies room. Rick Rock said they should let her pee in a cup. I'm in agreement.

Set four is ending. I would love for Nole to get out of the hole he's in- I'd like to stay up later and drink more. Oh wait, I can do that anyway. I guess- I mean- I would like to drink whilst watching tennis, not a Law and Order rerun.

Wow- what a great final. What great players. No Mars jokes. Just- love these players. Nadal earned that win and I hope Nole gets another Grand Slam soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

US Open 2010 Ladies' Final: Kimmy Wrastles Vera Down, Teaches Her

2010-09-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

RR here -

Kimmy is the Boss. She gave Vera nothing, wrassled her down, pinned her, Vera tried to struggle but Kimmy was too strong, nothing worked. Eventually , after some pretty good (but not great) Vera histrionics, smash the rackets, flank-smacking, horrifying Russian curses (which really do work by the way), Vera submits, giving in to Kimmy's relentless onslaught, surrendering her womanhood to Kimmy. Gives in completely, utterly spent, ravished by Kimmy's punishing, rock-hard tennis prowess.

Mary Carrillo tried hard to be her usual dickish self, but actually Vera miraculously composed herself and Kimmy is the nicest person on the planet (also probably nicer than most people on Mars), so it didn't really take. She didn't have anything much to work with. She did try though, suggesting the "moment" was too much for Vera. Truthfully, Kimmy was just extremely tough.

By the way, Mars!

So there you have it people - the Ladies' final. Kimmy rules, everyone else drools. Watch for lots more players to quit and have babies, looking for that competitive edge. and marry people from New Jersey. And be Flemish. And, and, do the splits a lot. And, win lots of tennis games. Oh wait they are already trying to do that. Serena starts dating The Situation? Sam Stosur has triplets? We shall see...

RR out

Hanging Out at Tennis X, I Discover There Are Robots Amongst Us

2010-09-11T13:52:00.001-07:00

Yes, it is true. There are robots among us, people who look like people but are actually robots built by Martians and then smuggled down to earth in a rad spaceship that maybe was invisible to the human eye and then- like, the Martians dropped off their elaborately and specifically wired robots to run loose in the world and then, like, got back on their invisible spaceship and returned to Mars, and like, that is why we didn't see the Martians.

Also, this Nole Fed match is pretty awesome. A real match. Sort of rooting for Nole, although I dig Federer.

Anyway, one such robot built by the Martians goes by the name of "Zinaldo". Now, I am pretty sure back on Mars, when they built "Zinaldo" his/her real name, her Martian robot name, was Zshreebutnkzzzz, or something like that. Anyway, I think these robots were built because Martians are trying to take over the Earth (despite them letting us use their planet for things like body mooshing) and think they can do so by dropping these inconspicous robots around the planet, robots that have different ways of- trying to take over the earth. So "Zinaldo" (really Zshreebutnkzzz) was specially designed to annoy people sooooo badly, that like, smoke starts blowing out of their ears and then they explode and die, or maybe they explode and their human energy flies upward to space and is sucked over to Mars so not only are the robots killing off the human race, but they ensure that our energy is theirs for their use. Like maybe, they use our energy to power their bedside lamps. Not sure. But I am pretty sure "Zinaldo" is the robot of annoyance and that it is part of a Martian conspiracy, I'm just not sure about the bedside lamps.

Anyway, you can see for yourself by clicking here and going over to Tennis X and scrolling down and reading "Zinaldo's" comments. And then you can decide if I'm right or not. I think you will find my theory pretty believable. Other people comment and say things like "shut your mouth, Zinaldo", or "Shut up Zinaldo", but I think we really need to take a real hard look at what could ACTUALLY being going on with "Zinaldo".

This third set is fantastic, between Nole and the Fed.

Wow, and this fourth set- I missed some of it to take a shower- but- I love it. I like seesawing sets- very exciting. I also like seesaws, because they are fun. Up and down, up and down. Wheeee!

Wow. A FIFTH IS ON THE WAY! Five setters rock.

Yours Truly,

Paula

Facebook Chatting About Vera and Youzhny

2010-09-11T11:44:00.000-07:00

2:26pmMe

this match is boring me

the kimmy match was great

2:26pmRon

i think want zvonereva to win

2:26pmMe

I don't think she can

But it would be a great upset- I like Vera

I like Kimmy too- but she's won it twice

2:27pmRon

she's all emotional and crazy

2:27pmMe

Vera is on new meds I think, less crazy

like me

maybe klonopin, like me

2:28pmRon

yes that's a turn-on...part of why i lke her

but i also like kimmy

2:28pmMe

It's fun

kimmy is sweet, vera is all crazy - the self flagallating lest year was rad

I also think she's not gay

you can just imagine having to pin her down and control her

she's sexy crazy

2:29pmRon

yes excatly

2:29pmMe

haha

2:30pmRon

she needs to be controlled

2:30pmMe

exactly

2:30pmRon

and to be taught

2:30pmMe

it would be fun for a dude to wrestle her down-

the sense of struggle and then

accomplishment

2:30pmRon

yes..would be a real struggle

2:31pmMe

this all has to go on my blog

2:32pmRon

yes..it belongs there

2:28pm

2:30p

2:34pmMe

I want Youz to break here

Did you read about my little conversation with youz in the elevator?

2:34pmRon

2:35pmMe

oh wait - did I get the score wrong? i did

I'm out of it

2:35pmRon

yes

he did break

last game

2:35pmMe

my brain is mush

I chatted up youz in the elevator in toronto

I find him attractive

2:36pmRon

nadal

he's going to win the touramnet

2:37pmMe

i would like that

I like Nole to win too- but not sure- Fed is playing really well

goddamn- poor youz

he might need some consoling

I could console him after his loss

like, pretty much let him do whatever he wants

maybe he'll be all angry and need to take out his aggression

2:39pmRon

haha

2:39pmMe

or maybe he'll be sad and need to be stroked gently and consoled like that-- brought back to life from his sadness

2:39pmRon

he knew he never had a chance

Nadal .v. Verdasco US Open 2010 - Ladies Love Cool Fernando

2010-09-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

Hey - it's RR here again -

Help me People! P is not blogging. Why? She has been hanging out on Tennis-X and commenting a lot, and it's sapping her creative juices! They are sapping her creative juices and turning them into creative syrup, to pour on their own pancakes, by boiling them and adding sugar!!! It's terrible. I feel the crushing burden of having to blog, all on my own... carrying a giant, crushing weight, like I was pushing a giant stone Blog up a hill, only to have it roll down and have to do it again, day in, day out...

I'm trying to make her feel bad - can you tell? Mind you, she is having a lot of fun on Tennis-X...

HEY! We were there! Last night, for Woz-Cibulkova and then Federer-Soderling. First time I saw Fed live. He was like a god. And I am not a generally drooling Fed fan. But even from er like 100 rows up, he just had this aura. Soderling, a big strong fella and great player, did not have that aura.

It was pretty much womp, womp. Anyway we had fun. Good company. $300 spent on sweaters because it was freezing! I was a little surprised that Soderling went down so easy. I had high hopes. Anyway, despite 2 straight set matches it was still 1 AM when we got home...

Tonight we are watching Nadal-Verdasco. Had tickets but, too tired! Also, 9AM meeting tomorrow. Sigh.

P says they call Verdasco "hot sauce" on Tennis-X. She is trying to get them to adopt "Ladies' Choice". I suggested "LL Cool F".

By the way, we bought Cheesewad a shirt in Toronto, and it turns out to be Nadal's nighttime shirt! Cool!

Rockytoad and I got to see Nadal and Gonzo almost COURTSIDE last year - incidentally with tickets from the same folks we skipped out on tonight. But tonight, the seats were high in the bleachers. By the way, it's still fun up there...

Anyway, enough for now. So far Verdasco is punching through the considerable wind better than Nadal. I am kinda surprised. I thought spin was good in the wind? Who knows. Oh wait just noticed they are back on serve! More later... my hard-earned cash is on Rafa, what can I say.

RR out - for now.

Leni, Stosur, and Yahoo Answers!

2010-09-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

RR Here -

P is not blogging. I apologize to our readers - I tell her that her readers need her. I am trying. She is hanging out on Tennis X too much and it's sapping her.... blog juice? I tell her to just blog what she is commenting... whatever. Trying.

Leni and Stosur. Martina is such a pleasure. Even Tracey is not bugging me too much. Maybe she read my post from yesterday and is trying to mellow out? Not be such a scary beotch? On reflection, I think that is definitely the case. Trace, if you read this, you're on the right track to rejoining the human race. Keep it up. Humanizing.

Tonight, we took a little break from watching tennis, actually while watching tennis but like break in what we were actually thinking and talking about, and hung out on Yahoo! Answers. It's like the new Amazon Reviews! Some of the questions we looked into were, "Andy Capp Hot Fries - Yuck or Yum?" In fact that was the one that got us there - P has a thing for Hot Fries. But then, that led us to other fascinating questions, like, "do u like chicken? and do u like ham?" That was what I called a "bong-hit question" - whoever asked that (I think his name was... Austin? I forget) did a giant bong hit and then typed that question in. Also, "could you die from eating a whole octopus?" That question is unresolved.

That all had nothing to do with tennis. Except that, when you watch a ton of tennis, you need to have a little downtime or multitask a little or something.

Leni is playing kind of awesome -just won the second set - but her new serve motion, it's like the serve of a retard. Not that it isn't working - and not that I don't sometimes do something similar - like when all hell is breaking loose on the serve and you try to do as little as possible - but it looks... retarded. But we love Leni and are pulling for her. Love Stosur too - but gotta pull for Leni. COME ON!

Back to the match - no more hanging out on Yahoo Answers... life is too short. But I laughed so hard tears shot out of my eyes and splattered on the computer screen...

RR out

Mardy Fish Talks About His Diet in This Video

2010-09-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

Djokovic vs. Blake: Butt Battle! And, Tracey Austin Torn Apart by Wild Dogs

2010-09-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

It's Djokovic and Blake, and man, these guys have giant asses.

Blake's is immediately evident. It fills up half the TV screen. We are in the country, where our TV is smaller, but I don't think that makes a difference. I think on our big TV it would be even bigger! Ginormous butt, a tennis-engine butt machine shooshing him around the court.

Djokovic, today it is not quite as overwhelmingly evident on the TV - but P tells me that in person playing doubles in Canada, his butt was like a giant shelf you could put your things on - keys, wallet, the mail, a few chotchkys, a picture of your mum, etc. And, bent over and waiting for the return, he held it still, so the things would not fall off if you put them there, not like Clijsters, who wags her rear around whilst waiting to return.

Tennis is a Metaphor for Life (aka Must Watch Tennis all The Time) has produced brave reporting on tennis players' asses before - read more here.

Butts, butts, butts.

Anyway, in other news, whenever we've been watching the Tennis channel, we've indulged in detailed fantasies about horrible, violent things happening to Tracey Austin. In one version, one of the camera men dropped his camera, so it was like lying on the ground showing a sideways shot, and he ran after Tracey screaming "Shut the fuck up, you idiot, I've been listening to your stupid shit all day and I can't take it any more!" Blood splatters around the room, and Tracey's face falls to the ground in front of the abandoned camera, THUNK! Then in the background you see the camera man being led away by cops, weeping quietly and mumbling, "I'm sorry, I just couldn't stand it", and the cops saying, "we understand, we'll talk to the DA, should be Man 1" (a little Law and Order creeping in here - sometimes we take breaks from tennis and watch Laws and Orders).

In another version, we got really irritated with Jim Courier on CBS today, so we started to imagine Tracey and Jim in an all-out, no holds barred jailhouse blood quest death battle. Jim is talking, saying something like "Monfills should really try to play tennis better" when Tracey, motivated by who know what evil voices in her twisted, otherwise empty head, creeps up behind, picks up a heavy mike boom and WHAM! Smacks Jim in the back of the head. Blood sprays everywhere - onto the camera lens, like, in front of the players on the court (maybe that's not realistic but... it's fantasy!). But Jim is still a fit guy, and he doesn't go down easy - he grabs the complimentary pen provided for commentators to write notes like "these players are not as good as ME" on the complimentary note pads during the commercial breaks, and, even as he slumps to the ground, swings round and jabs the pen straight into Tracey's pulsating jugular vein. Blood gushes out as Tracey makes a bitchy face and says "Jim, that's all you got? You always were a pussy" - meanwhile the color drains out of her face as her life essence sprays out all over the horrified camera crew and poor Ted Robinson, who is scowling at the unprofessionalism of his pathetic actual-tennis-player colleagues. She collapses to the floor, on the way down, grabbing a heavy paper weight and bringing it down on Jim's head, splattering new waves of blood everywhere, even as he, with his last breath, snags a steak knife off the remains of the lunch spread and juts it up into Tracey's bony ribcage as she collapses down onto him, provoking new giant spurts of blood and gore.

Anyway you get the idea -not too fond of Tracey and Jim. Jimmy (Connors) and Martina on the other hand are kind of cute together.

Going - RR out

Taco Night - Mandy Minella, Dustin Brown - All The Beautiful Young People at the US Open

2010-09-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

RR Here -

We've really been enjoying our Open but I have been scared to blog ever since P rocked the "body mooshing" post, because it was so awesome.

But life goes on so here I go. Mandy Minella is kind of hot. So I looked her up - she's from Luxembourg?? I thought she'd be from like Staten Island, or the Bronx?!? Mandy Minella? Well who knows. Maybe she moved to Luxembourg from Staten Island. I would. Not that I have anything against Staten Island - I like Staten Island. But Luxembourg is like a magic island of rich people, so who wouldn't want to be there. Oops she just lost -but great run. Qualifiers are always cute and inspiring.

Serena looks really hot. She looks pretty different. Pam is talking about it right now. I mean, she does look smoking. But different - the hair? Not sure. Can't figure it out. Anyway it's not just me, Pam said it too.

Anyway my post - Mandy Minella, Dustin Brown, that French kid that played Verdasco... who are these people? They are really good at tennis. We had a awesome time in Toronto at the Rogers because from day one, there are great matches going on, but the slams are fun for the random people you have never heard of who qualify, and once in a while make a run. And even though they are who? they are all really awesome at tennis!

Night matches at the US are fun. We have tickets for next Thursday. It's best when it gets really late and everyone is drunk and lots of people leave and you get to scootch up close and people are being all wild and weird. I liked that Djokovic talked about his weiner for example, because something about the US Open, people seem to kind of get a little wild. Like that time someone got shot when it was at Forest Hills? Maybe too much. But still, tennis' Altamont moment, and it happened in New York. YEAH!

RR out

Hanging out on Tennis X Today

2010-09-02T16:42:00.000-07:00

I've been posting little comments on Tennis X(click here to go to Tennis X) and not blogging here like I usually do. I find lots of the comments enjoyable and interesting and whatnot. And I do love the official posts by the people who work there, you know, the writers there. Occasionally though, I find some of the comments...alarming. I mean, who gets so enraged about other people's ideas on tennis? It's sort of scary. Really angry people scare me. Anyway, I'm reposting my "I want peace" post here below. I hope to post more much later, as I'm taping the tennis and will be watching it late at night tonight.

"Here’s what we can do to make world peace on Tennis X regarding Andrew Roddick, the tennis player. For one, from the Buddhist religion and like, Christianity and stuff, we could explore the idea that even though God made us all different, we are all, deep inside our bodies and souls, all the same and all God’s children and like, even if some of us like Roddick and some of us don’t, we’re all flesh and blood and like, mortal. Then we can do that thing “agree to disagree” really politely, like the possible presidents did when they were trying to become president. It was so cool how polite they were too each other, even though, they, like disagreed on world peace and Iraq and money and healthcare and stuff. They shook hands and smiled. Very cool. Then, we can even do that really cool thing, like just be all accepting and stuff. I don’t know. I do get angry sometimes. But mostly about things like death and rape and war and littering. But tennis? Not sure I’ve ever gotten angry about tennis. Or other people’s feelings about tennis. I do have feelings about tennis. I mostly feel excited and aroused and sad and happy and frustrated. But angry at other tennis fans? Or - I don’t know, really angry about anything tennis related? Hm.

Anyway- WORLD PEACE WORLD PEACE! Aw, I just got all happy.

Maria is playing this chick we refer to as “Bendoversova” as she gives off some serious trampy vibe. This is not a bad thing, just noticeable."

Tipsarevic v. Roddick

2010-09-01T18:33:00.001-07:00

Let's talk about how nuts Tipsarevic is. In Toronto, I was very excited to watch him play up close and personal because he's a true eccentric. A tattoo quoting Doestoyevsky in Japanese writing? Lots of tatts in general? Shabby looking hair and those glasses! Gosh, I bet he's a fun person with whome to pound vodka. He walks real strangely. His facial hair is all wrong. Gosh, I like him. He's sort of like me, but better at tennis. And I don't have his facial hair or tatts or wear glasses, but I am - all wrong. He reminds me of some seventies rock musician, noodling along on his guitar whilst singing deep thoughts about the universe. But I was courtside when he messed up his ankle and fell to the ground and so forth in Toronto. So I didn't get to see much of him at all.

I'm sipping a bourbon and vaping, even though I happen to know I have some cigarettes hidden in the house. Vaping is good, but not as good as smoking, even if it is actually BETTER, like, for my health, it just doesn't have the same- how to say it- way of filling my lungs up with tar and carbon monoxide that smoking does.

Mardy Fish is Anorexic

2010-09-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

I've been watching tennis. Also, I've been napping a lot while watching tennis. Also, I've been chatting with some men I love while watching tennis, which is to say, I haven't been paying the greatest attention to the tennis. But that's OK. It's non stop tennis all day and night and so- I can't always be totally focussed and it's not as if I'm the guard man at some military base and the enemies are hiding in the bushes everywhere and so I really need to be alert or something because otherwise my comrades would die. If that were the case, I'd take speed. But it's not the case, so instead I sit around, eating egg sandwiches during the day, occasionally dosing off, and then I drink a bunch of iced tea and later I drink white wine and chain smoke and the whole time, tennis goes on and on, on my TV and also in real life, like, nearby, in Queens. By the way? It's hot as fuck out there. I feel sorry for the players. I mean, it's brutal and gross out there.

Here are some thoughts on the tennis, regardless of my not so vigilant watching.

David Nalbandian had to go to five, but- he won! I love him with all my heart. Sometimes, when he wins tournaments, which is not nearly as often as he should, I cry. I find him moving. In an alternate universe, we are soul mates.

They just showed Martina Navratilova. If you are interested, there is a great short story imagining a Navratilova like character doing terrible things to a young Kournikova type character. I, for one, really enjoyed the story. It's called "Backhand" and it's by this really great writer, Ernie Conrick. I met him. I like him. The story is really good. Really. Click here to buy it.

Anyway, I like Martina's commentary even if she's sort of emotion free. At least she's not an idiot. She's just- well- aspergersy. I find it sort of charming. I have a soft spot for people with Aspergers. Also, I was looking at her- she's so strong and fit- and I thought, strangely, is she on tranquilizers? And then I realized, she just works out all the goddamn time which makes people very mellow. I'm much mellower if I work out a lot. Sigh.

Oh- now everyone is talking about how great Mardy Fish is doing and how much weight he lost and so forth- but, Dude? He looks horrible! He looks like that character Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force when the parasites eat his insides and he gets all skinny. Do you remember that episode? OK, I just found the transcript online. Click here. It was the South Bronx Parasite Diet episode. Anyway, I think Mardy Fish is anorexic. As in, probably had people shove tubes up his bottom- I think they call it colon therapy- and had his intestines vacuumed out. And then, like, only ate carrots until his hands turned orange (my sister did that once, she's crazy) and like, took lots of laxatives and drank wierd juices non stop. I mean, that is how he looks to me. He looks like he's in his fifties, too, and I happen to know he is not. So here is what I have to say- WE SHOULD STAGE AN INTERVENTION FOR MARDY. Right? Are you with me people? Shove some hamburgers down him. Like, tackle him and sit on his chest and shove hamburgers down him. Sheesh. I'll need some help with this plan, so, I'll be looking for volunteers to help me. Mardy needs us, people. Soon he'll disappear altogether if we don't help him. Juliana Hatfield has a song about her struggles with anorexia called "I'm Disappearing" on her new record, Peace and Love. It's a sad song. It's sad to not eat. I, eat. A lot. I'm the opposite of my sister, I suffer from gluttony, instead of anorexia. Hm, maybe if Mardy and I, like, in an alternate universe or on the planet Mars, mooshed our bodies and minds together and like, became one mooshed together person and then, like, later split into two different people again, but with part of my gluttony combined with part of his anorexia each split into the different people (but he would still have his boy parts and I would still have my girl parts, that wouldn't get all martiany split up) then- we'd be -- better! He'd be less gaunt and old seeming and like, bony, and I'd be less inclined to eat large quantities of oysters, steaks, hot dogs, hamburgers and so on. And life would be better for both of us. Thanks to the greatness of Mars and the way things are different there and you can do things like body mooshing.

Poor Azarenka. They just wheel chaired her out. She looked like hell. And you know, it's not just fitness! I do think fitness helps one deal with heat, but some people just are built differently, and some of the people- Azarenka is one of them and Djokovic is another-get ILL from heat. It's awful to watch. And its not fitness. It's genetic. It's 104 degrees on the court.

Ok. More soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

Rogers Cup Pix - and Forgive Me I Drove 350 Miles Today

2010-08-12T20:10:00.000-07:00

RR Here -

Here come some pictures from our last day at the Rogers Cup - yesterday. The commentary is gonna be a little thin and spacey - long drive home. Fried. Vodka. Fried vodka? Mmm... that would be good.

For starters, here's Murray, on a practice court. The little guys got his autograph. He's nicened up since the days when he cursed out ball kids in Binghamton... BTW that's his doubles partner

being ignored whilst like, kneeling at his feet. Prince Andy. Actually he was very nice with the signing etc.

This next one is Youzhny - as noted, P and the little guys rode with him in the elevator, and he was at this sort of hidey t

able at breakfast. I like Youzhny. I use his racket, because of him, and Gasquet.

Here he is winding up his forehand, but it's his beautiful one-hand backhand that I like. This is from the match he lost, but we later figured out he's still in the doubles. Go Youzhny!

And this is of course David, whilst crushing Tommy Robredo. We just saw him crush Soderling in the 3rd as well. YEAH! BTW Cheesewad took all these shots. We are going to get him a better cam

era for his next birthday - he's good!

Next up is Max Mirnyi. We didn't even know he was still around?? He looks fierce here, but really he was really nice. Also, huge and really impressive. He was practicing with someone (his coach?), and he'd serve, and his coach wouldn't even try to return it, just feed a fake return, because, his serve is like a giant thunderbolt from heaven. (We just watched "Clash of the Titans"). Also, I have a bunch of Belarusan buddies these days, so - check it out Max Mirnyi!

Last of all, the ladies' choice - Fernando Verdasco. I always think, "Fernandoo", as some French lady called him the first time I went to Toronto. This was from the Chardy match P has already blogged on. He hung tough and won that first set, and we had to go. I am surprised he lost, he looked like the big guy beating up on skinny-ass Chardy. Tennis is weird, and that's why it's fun. Who the hell knows? Anyway, Fernando is still the ladies choice.

All right, I'm done. One more vodka, and lights out.

RR out

Day Three, Rogers Cup 2010, And the Last Morning in the Hotel

2010-08-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

We just had our fourth and final breakfast at the hotel. Youzhny sat behind us, in a little corner, trying to hide out. I did not bother him, although last night when we- the boys and I- rode the elevator up with him, I said, "I'm sorry about your loss today, I was rooting for you" and he said, "that's OK". Then I said, "You'll win next time", and he said, "Maybe". Then it was his floor, and he sort of semi smiled and said, "bye" and I said "bye" very quietly and sort of coyish. Youshny is a big, strong, handsome- also just CUTE- Russian player. He had a lovely Russian accent. He's taller than me. And strong. He lost to this Ukrainian guy, Dolgopolov, who had the misfortune of wearing a headband and tying his hair back into a bun and Rockytoad in particular did not like it. Youzhny has a flat top. Anyway, I felt badly for Youzhny, because he won the first set 6/1 and we watched him lose a tight second set in a tiebreak. Sigh. Tennis. Life. Losses. I did find out Youzhny won his doubles, so that is great.

Also at breakfast this morning was Victor Hanescu and his hitting partner or whatever you want to call him- how bout, some big strong HOT dark haired Romanian friend of Hanescu, who I had the great pleasure of riding the elevator with yesterday. Hanescu is at least 6'4 and incredibly strong and - much cuter in real life than on TV as is often- but not always -- the case. Sam Querry- a sort of giantesqe man, who lost his match against Kevin Anderson yesterday--was also at breakfast. I do not find him attractive in the least. And lastly, and perhaps most funly, Verdasco's mom and dad came into the restaurant. The mother went to the buffet and I watched her- most curiously- put something like five croissants on a plate. I immediately thought- she's going to put some of those in her purse to take with her. I mean, who eats fiver croissants?? As Rick Rock and I were leaving, we saw the waitress hovering over the Verdasco's table, and no one seemed pleased. I think they were getting harassed about the croissants or something ridiculous like that. I guess the whole thing about a buffet is you can eat as much as you want, but there is sort of this unsaid thing- you may not fill your purse with things from the buffet.

Then Rick Rock went to the car for a minute and I rode the elevator with- Almagro and his coach. I was nervous and barely looked up. His coach did say, upon entering, "going up"? I said, "yes". Almagro is fucking HOT. He is not that much taller than me, though. Almagro got off at 13, and then the coach got off at like, 21, and he looked at me and said, "bye".

I have this thing- I think I may have better luck with getting nailed by a coach instead of a player. Like, you know, how Rock chick groupies bang the roadies instead of the rock stars? Anyway, or- maybe I could get my hands on one of the hitting partners? Sheesh. That Romanian dude who had breakfast with Hanescu was movie star gorgeous if movie stars were actually gorgeous instead of like, 5 foot 6 with abnormally large heads who rely largely on stunt doubles to make them look manly. ( This may not be true of every movie star, but I have walked by Tom Cruise and, um, yeah.)

All that said, we watched absolute buckets of amazing tennis yesterday. We watched a bit of the aforementioned Youzhny match out on a small court, then we sat right up front and watched my favorite player in the universe of God, Nalbandian, destroy poor Tommy Robredo. Nalby was so on fire, so unbelievable- Robredo was not playing badly, it's just that Nalby gave him NO chance. It was a very different match than the day before when we watched him play Ferrer. Nably gave Tommy a bagel in the second set. The boys got his autograph. They also got Davydenko's autograph as he left the court before Nalby went on. Oh! And we got to watch Andy Murray on a practice court- God he's a cutie--and the boys got his autograph!

Then we went to the main stadium and watched the DRAMA of Djokovic as he pulled out a very tight match against Benneteau. I've seen it on TV, but I have never seen Nole up close in real life like this, playing tennis that is, as I did see him up close in Montreal and chatted with him when Cheesewad was very young and ran off as he so sweetly asked him if he played tennis. Also, that time in Montreal (the year he won it), we watched him play doubles on a back court and the boys got his autograph. Anyway, the man looked MISERABLE yesterday. He has some serious problems with the heat. It's not an act, it's not because he's not fit- some people cannot handle high temperatures. He withdrew from two events earlier this year due to his breathing issues. He's not making this up! It was insanely hot- they say on the court it was close to 110 degrees--and some people get ill in this heat, others don't. Sort of like some of us have blond hair and some of us are bald. Anyway, the crowd was really rooting for him- the atmosphere was fantastic and exciting- and we had great seats and the boys really enjoyed watching the world's number 2 pull it out.

Then we went back to the grandstand, stopping along the way here and there. At this point, we were getting pretty giddy from the heat and tennis watching. We got right up front AGAIN (damn, I'm so good at it) and watched Verdasco and Jeremy Chardy. Now, on TV, Jeremy Chardy looks like an Adonis. In real life, he's very, very skinny and moody in that French way that many of the French are (not Monfils, mind you, he's super jolly and smiley) and looks like he could be a smoker or a herion addict. But GOOD LORD, he has an enormous serve, just huge, and a forehand that you can barely see the ball it moves so fast. WTF? He is so LOOSE. His limbs are like ropes being swung around, whipping through the air. It's really a sight to behold.

We didn't watch the whole match- he ended up defeating the love of my life, Fernando. But the first set- which Chardy lost in a tiebreak- was amazing tennis. Just brilliant.

At this point, it's after 5pm and Cheesewad is fading. I am too. We can no longer concentrate very well at all and I'm like, seeing spots. We decide to go watch a tiny bit of doubles before we leave. Robredo and Almagro against Stepanek and Knowles. We are in the very first row of a tiny back court. The camera is out of batteries and I keep trying to take a picture of my foot or finger with Robredo and Almagro's heads. At one point I think these ladies behind me are speaking Spanish (I speak Spanish) and then they start cheering on Stepanek and Knowles and I realize they are speaking Czech, and I know, it is time to go. My brain had reached it's capacity for tennis.

LOTS OF PICTURES TO COME!

Yours Truly,

Paula

Day Two, The Rogers Cup 2010

2010-08-10T16:41:00.000-07:00

Well, we got there, as usual, an hour late and I didn't yell at Rick Rock even once during the drive! It was a very hot day, but we kept telling each other we can't complain because at least it wasn't raining.

David Nalbandian (link to follow), my all time favorite player of all time, was playing David Ferrer, also known lovingly around our house as the Turtle, in the main stadium. We had great seats. The sun bore down on us. We sprayed sunblock all over us and wore hats and occasionally threw a towel over our heads. It was a great three setter. Cheesewad took AMAZING photos (soon to come). I love these guys so much and Nalby was so typical- he'd break, then he'd get broken back immediately- then he'd curse like crazy. We love to listen to

Spanish curses and guess what they could be saying. Ferrer says "hostia" a lot, which means "Holy Ghost". It's a very bad word in Spanish. Once, we're pretty sure we heard Nalbandian say "Puta Vieja" which means "old whore" and is also a bad word, or phrase. He said that after he made an error, and it may have gone like, "I just hit that ball like an OLD WHORE", and so it was sort of that thing where he screamed out the

end words of his muttering to himself.

Here are some pictures. This is RR and Minis (oops forgot not to call them that):

Here is RR and the minis, who I must call- the boys? The Boys. They are not very mini anymore. Sigh. We are about to watch Nalby and Ferrer. The two Davids. We had many moments where I'd scream "Vamos David" and one of the boys would say, "which David? (Ferrer and Nalby are both David). So then I said to the boys, "Vamos los dos Davides?" (Go both Davids?) And that was not greeted well by the boys, so I never yelled it.

Before the Davids played, we watched Berdych beat this guy, Stakhovsky. It was rather quick. Yet-

Good God Berdych is hot.

NALBANDIAN.

I may fill out this post with lots of more stuff. But I'm moving toward the end of our evening here. We were watching Monfils who was supposed to play Gonzalez, but he withdrew, so he played this Indian guy Devvarman. At that

point, we'd been watching tennis for Six hours in the sun. We were fried. I drank a million iced teas, and yet, I was failing mentally, due to the heat, the hot men, the hot air, the watching hours of tennis. We were right up front, and it was an amazing match. But we were all - fading. It was a tight match, Monfils is so fucking hot, but we were getting goofy. Some of the line calls were questionable. I got a bit huffy, I said, "no that was good". Or I said, "see that was out, like I thought". Rick Rock started with his opinions. He said, "You were right." (There was no shot spot or whatever you want to call it, so lots of opinions bandied about). Then RR said, "you were right" (to me), you should call those lines." Then Monfils hit a ball into the net. And RR said, "I'll call them when they go into the net!" He was really excited about this job. So, his job was to go, "that was in the net!" like it was a call. So then we started to a laugh so hard it was hard to not be problematic. Then we started to fall apart altogether. Every time someone hit it into the net, RR would look all bug eyed at me and say, "That was into the net!" And then I would start snarfing ice tea. Mind you, I was sunburned and tired. And then we started laughing so hard, well, the boys were embarrassed. So - Monfils won the first set, it was after 6pm, and we left.

Oh, on the way to the Monfils match, I was walking alongside all sorts of people, with my boys. And I looked to my right, and I was walking, meandering, next to this man I recognized. He was very handsome, tall and incredibly strong. I thought I recognized him. Heat stroke was effecting my brain, so I turned ( he was, like, Right, next to me) and said "are you someone's coach?" And then he started with, "well, I blabla" and I interrupted him and said, "You are Killer Cahill!" And he smiled, not a big smile, mind you, and said, "Yes". And I said, as we meandered along to where we both were going, "You're great, we love your commentary". And he said, "Thank you". And then we parted ways. He did smile. Also, Killer Cahill? At least 6'3. Hot. Maybe Fifty years old, I don't know. Strong as shit. HOT. I now love Killer Cahill. Food for thought, he is, that Aussie Man.

More soon. More Pictures!

Yours Truly,

Paula

World Peace Through Tennis, Rain, The Cazalets, Feliciano Lopez, Rain, The Chairs

2010-08-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day one and a disappointing day one. It was great because it started out with the minis (although this will be the last time I call them that, as Rockytoad is six foot one now, I have no idea how that happened, maybe a Martian came and stole my son and like, tried to replace him with something sort of like my son, but got the size wrong, except that when I say that to Rocktoad, when I say, "What happened to my son? Who are you? Someone abducted my son!, he says, "I AM your son", so I don't know. Martians can be devious, I think) running into Berdych on the way to breakfast at the hotel. He's a very impressive athlete- I have run into him in previous years. Then, I only yelled at Rick Rock twice or so on the drive to the stadium. Then, we walked around, getting our bearings and decided to watch a bit of Tommy Robredo and the Finn, Nieminen. The tennis was so amazing and we were right up front in the Grandstand. Tommy Robredo is HOT. Then, I noticed on the program that on tiny Court One, Murray and some other Brit were to play doubles against Monfils and Kohlshreiber!!!!!

So we went over to Court One. We watched the end of Benneteau and Istomin (from Uzbekstan, big guy, young, handsome and I wanted him to win, as he was the underdog, and I always feel for the players from places like Uzbekestan, plus he gave off a good vibe) and I must say, Benneteau beat him handily, which was great- even if I liked Istomin for different reasons-- as we wanted to watch the upcoming doubles match. (Oh, and I said to Rick Rock, "Is that Carlos Bernardi in the chair?" He said, "why yes!" He isa very good chair and we feel super geeked out when we know the chairs...) Court One filled up with lots of overspill. Then the stars came! It was all very exciting. They warmed up. We felt sort of sorry for Ross Hutchins, Murray's partner, as he is not really in the same league as the other players.

Anyway, the whole thing made me think of these books I'm reading, The Cazalet Chornicles (lots of links to come when I revise, people), which takes place during WWII. I mean, A Frenchman and a GERMAN playing together, in harmony! Now, on the other side, we have England, all united together, wearing cute matching outfits. But in my books, France was conquered by Germany and then England fights them, and the whole world is a terrible mess beyond all comprehension, harder to understand than like, why Mars is red and cold. The books are sad, or worse. So- to see these countries all on a court together hitting a little green ball around, not to mention being all handsome and sexy and young and full of life- sheesh. Tennis promotes world peace. That is all I can say. World Peace Through Tennis! I was moved. Also, Monfils and Murray are super hot.

Then is rained.

While it poured rain, I shopped. Stella McCartney makes tennis clothes. Some of it is very pretty. Some of it is entirely impractical and I sort of wonder if she actually givesa flying fuck about tennis. I think she may just like fashion I bought a tiny little skirt that I plan to wear, not necessarily while playing tennis. Maybe while watching tennis. Not sure. Maybe while pole dancing at my part time job as a stripper. Or maybe while hanging out with my other twelve year old girlfriends in the seventh grade just like me, after we leave our Greenwich Country Day school for the club where one must where all whites, where we take private lessons with a pro named something like, "Ross Huntington".

When the rain stopped and we'd scarfed down hot dogs, we rushed back to the doubles match on court one, but alas, we were too late. There was no room whatsover. So- Poor Us- we went over to the Grandstand, sat right up front and watched Feliciano Lopez and De Bakker. I HAD EYE CONTACT WITH FELI. I love him. He is beautiful. He is a bit mournful and less prissy I think, since he knocked up Miss Spain or whoever she is or maybe that's gossip. They warmed up. They started to play. We all watched in awe- two amazing tennis players. During the sit down, which happened feet from my face, Feli would pour water all over his head and rub his hair down and give it a shake. I was reminded of gazelles in the wilds of Africa, running through the open fields, the rain making their hides glisten. I also wanted to go and do that, pour water on his head and - run my hand over his head afterward. Oh, and Fergus something or other was in the chair! I will say- a couple of bad calls he did not overrule. Hm. I like his Irishy accent though. The camera was on Feli THE WHOLE TIME. Not once on poor de Bakker, but de Bakker is having a breakout year, so that's one good thing. Also, the stadium was full of lots of pretty girls wearing off the shoulder shirts and high heels and make up and RR and I called it "Hoooker Stadium". That's what Feli brings out in the world, a stadium full of scantily dressed young women.

Then it rained. We came in third place in the contest of "who can stay out in the rain the longest".

Off to Day TWO!!!!! So many good matches. I'm feeling all jittery.

Yours Truly,

Paula

HI! We are at the Rogers Cup - Here are some pictures

2010-08-09T20:10:00.000-07:00

RR here -

That's right, we may be crappy bloggers lately but... well but nothing. Anyway we are in Toronto at the Rogers Cup, and here are some pictures - thanks mostly to Cheesewad who is the main photographer.

This is Tommy. He is good at tennis. We had some rain (more later) but he was able to

complete his match against Neimenen. Victoriously. He looks kind of fierce in this picture. RAR!

Down below (I hope - getting things to lay out right is... weird) is Jarko - defeated, but still Finnish. A great action shot by Cheesewad! We watched the end of the match peering over the back of the bleachers from a different court, as we waited for Murray/Hunt and

Monfils/Kohlschreiber to start.

Alas, it was not to be - at least not for us, due to the rain. More on which later.

Here is a shot of that whole crew taking to the court. But as soon as they finished the warm-up, rain fell upon us, like wolves upon sheep. What? Cheese took a shot of Murray's mom, who was there, but I can't remember which camera/phone it is on. No other Moms were present, to my knowledge.

OK gonna try to put in another pic -the layout is getting very hairy....

The next match we caught a decent chunk of involved this man, who some consider to be

handsome. He was playing De Bakker, a fine Dutch tennis player who is perhaps less handsome. We sometimes make jokes about Dutch people, I admit it. But it's ok, because I am mostly of Dutch ancestry. My middle name is Riker, like Riker's island! Er, where I have never been. But someday I will go there and reclaim my birthright!

We saw 5 games of fine big-serving tennis from these two, before this happened: Rain. Lots of

it. Rainy rain, raining from the sky. We had a contest with the person in this picture, and a few others, to see who would sit in the rain the longest. We came in third.

And that is all for tonight. We went out to see some friends in Toronto, and it is kind of late. Hopefully better blogging tomorrow. P actually took (awesome) notes in her little black book. So soon...

We'll be back out there tomorrow morning, and the weather should be good.

RR out

Berdych upsets Federer

2010-06-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

I'm having a Gin martini. I have no idea whether or not Gin should actually be capitalized, but it looks right to me this way. I want to have sex with Andy Murray and not only because he's winning-- really, I don't get the hots for the winners as much as for, well, certain men, as evident by my love for Nalbandian and Ginepri and even, I don't know, Gabashvili--but Murray has grown up. He is losing his boyishness. Also, he has that English/Scottish/Whatever thing of having a sort of thin face, curly brown hair, sort of Asberger'sy personality-- in other words, he reminds me of Rick Rock and some other hot men I'm hot for. And I- I LOVE MEN. Although, I loved boys when I was a girl. So, um, whatever.

Berdych -when he beat the Fed at the Olympics--really pulled off a crazier upset in some ways that time. He was very young, Fed was very dominant- whereas Fed has been struggling this year a bit--but still- HOLY SHIT. I also think that the Pironkova upset was more alarming than the Fed loss because---Berdych has had some crazy wins- beating Nadal in Madrid, beating, well, Fed more than once--and he's known as an underachiever. Also, he's really smoking hot. I wrote about how the combo of Nadal and Berdych were sort of like, having vanilla AND chocolate ice cream here. But the Bulgarian Pironkova? I may spellcheck her name later. Sorry people. Anyway, even though I remember her win over Venus very well- because it was wierd- but this win was even wierder. Firstly, on grass, no one is as dominant as Venus. Secondly- Pironkova- even if she totally fucked up my racquet brackets for a while because I bet on her a lot after she beat Venus that other time-- is no Berdych. People do NOT talk about her! She isn't known, like him, as an underachiever. Also-- Jesus!- she threw SOOO much crap. That forehand slice? I mean, it worked. But- it reminded me of this 8 year old that played against my son at this tournament in Pennsylvania. Now, mind you, she backs up all those junk shots with great serving and some nice solid groundstrokes. But still- a shocker.

Wow. I just talked about tennis WAAAY more than I usually do. And the wierd thing is, I got all inspired to blog because I was watching the ESPN little "deep mini-show showcasing one player, with very silly romantic language and slow mo action and awesomely handsome shots" about Murray, and I got, I must admit, very aroused. But to be honest, I get aroused sometimes when I open up my Yahoo browser, in anticipation of this one really hot guy chatting with me. Sigh. That was a joke?

What else? I just got really embarrassed and distracted by that last proper sentence- where I confessed. Oh! I know! I actually want Murray to win, and I wanted him to win before I got all aroused by him, because it would be really cool for a "Brit" to win for the first time in soooooo long. Even if he is a Scot. Also, his brother Jamie is smoking HOT. And flirty- have you seen him play mixed doubles? LOVE him. ALSO-- Andy Murray- years ago, but I'm old as shit, so it seems like yesterday--won my fave local Challenger, the Binghamton Challenger!! I think that is cool. Although I must mention that he was horrible, cursing out the local ball kids, and even had to apologize when he accepted his championship check and so forth. I guess, at least he apologized. I'm confused. It's like- if we were on earth and life was normal, I'd still sort of hate Murray and find him "eh", but instead, we're on MARS and the whole world is wierd and strange and Mars-like, and I have the hots for a somewhat medium-attractive man who is known to yell at ball kids, instead of the Spanish Stallion, Nadal, so well mannered and really God given sexually attractive, and the planet I live on is Red, and like, really hot, and further from the the Sun, and so - everything is really strange and wrong and upside down and yet, still beautiful, because we are alive!

Yours Truly,

Paula

ROUND OF SIXTEEN, WIMBLEDON 2010

2010-06-28T17:39:00.000-07:00

I was trying to type Wimbledon 2010 but I had my caps lock on and 2010 looked like this- @)!). Pretty cool, right? I'm drinking Gin. Some guy named Lu is ahead of Roddick here. I don't care about Roddick. I realize his wife is beautiful, but- eh, Roddick doesn't do it for me. Now, clearly, Roddick does it for Brooklyn (his wife) and so that is great. But it can't be just his good looks- I mean, is he handsome? OK, I guess he is-- but also, he's very, very successful even if he's only won one Grand Slam. He's rich and shit and in the grand scheme of things, doing well in his career. And I've heard he really likes that she has a career, which involves oiling herself up half naked and pressing her scantily dressed boobs together. Man, what I would do to have that be my job, because that is what I do by myself pretty much everday anyway, you know, just for laughs. Oh wait, I have no job. Wait, where was I going with this?

Roddick just hit a dropper and didn't follow it in, but won the point anyway. Hm. Very tight here in a tiebreaker in the fourth.

I loved Venus in the press conference. The English audience sucks. Almost as bad as the French.

I have no cigarettes. This is good for my health, but makes me sad.

Lu is playing well- but someone said about him, " great awareness to take that floater out of the air" - um, not so hard to call. Oops. This is going to a fifth? OK. Fifth.

What is up with Kvitova kicking Wozniaki's ass? A BAGEL. After bagelling Azarenka.

Murray beat Querrey-- I sort of want him to win the whole thing.

Soderling beat my boyfriend, Ferrer.

What else? Where is Mars? Mars usually comes into play when I comment on tennis. Today- well, tonight, Mars is not talking to me- yet.

Nadal is playing Mathieu. Two SUPER hotties. Mathieu is French. I like Nadal better- I mean, sexually--but I would not kick Paul (Mathieu) out of bed for eating crackers. Or for, I don't know, burping. Or for, I don't know, being covered in sweat. Or for, I don't know , being covered in dog hair. Or for- well, let's say- not making love to me. Let's say he just wanted to lie down next to me and watch a Law and Order. I'd be fine with that. Or wanted to watch a Discovery Channel show about MARS. Oh yes! Mars! Phew. Thought I wouldn't get Mars in here.

Nadal got fined for coaching. Now, I've watched many, many matches where the Spanish guys curse worse than sailors, worse than me!, and talk at their boxes. But- I speak Spanish- never have I heard one word of coaching. It's all, " Mother of whore, what the hell is wrong with me, Holy Ghost (Ostia)" and then their coaches say, " Don't worry, just fight, come on, hold it together". But- no one understands what they are saying. So- worries about coaching. I do think- no coaching happened. Ideally, they were saying, "I really want to get off this court and have a three hour dinner with that blogger who loves me, and afterward, make sweet love to her" and then the coach says, "eh, just win first, then I'll get you some hot chick your age to give you what you want, so no worries, just, you know, play tennis". Also, I get very confused about coach and couch. I mean, I am a bad speller. And - well. I mean the guy who tells the player what to do, not the place I am reclined on right now.

OK. More soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

THE ROUND OF SIXTEEN IS COMING UPON US

2010-06-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

The best round of tennis. The perfect amount of tennis for one day of tennis watching. People fighting to get into the second week.

Right now, it's still the third round. But soon enough.

Ferrer and Chardy -- now these are two very attractive tennis players. Ferrer- whom I have walked by in Canada repeatedly, and seen play Nalbandian from front row seats in Canada as well--is a little hottie. I'd probably feel like an East German Discus player if I were lying around in bed with him, because he's a couple inches shorter than me and not thick, either, but I think I could get over it, especially if he made an effort to make me feel comfortable while we lie next to each other in clean, white hotel sheets, the sun falling gently on our naked bodies, saying things like "you don't actually look like an East German discus thrower", but he'd say it in Spanish and that would be really hot, because I speak some Spanish and understand it well, too, but he'd have to speak a little slowly, and he would, because he's so sweet and considerate, because sometimes people speak Spanish really fast and I have problems understanding.

Whoah. I love Azarenka's dress.

Then there in Chardy. Now, he is only 23, which in my mind is different than 27, and this is a hurtle I CAN get over, and do get over, for instance, in the cases of say, Nadal or Gasquet. Because at 23, I could very well be his, um, mother. And this disturbs me. But then I think of things like, I don't know, Harold and Maude, or the story of a friend of mine's mother who nailed their pool boy when she was growing up. So, you see, these things happen. And if it happened with Chardy, that would be very, very nice. He's tall, French, with supermodel good looks- which actually isn't my thing, I'm not a huge pretty boy lover, but I make exceptions for some pretty boys, like Feli Lopez, whe actually is getting a little more mature and rough around the edges, which is awesome, and we think it has to do with his older woman girlfriend, who is pregnant or something and they're having problems--and French men are renowned lovers and do wierd things, like have older women lovers and that's considered natural and good for the young man, because the older woman can teach the young man the ways of a woman's body.

I think Ferrer may cruise rather easily here. Chardy is not known for his mental toughness.

Sigh. Way too many ads here. I sort of hate ESPN, even though I'm very sad that the ESPN bars shut down because I never went and I heard they were awesome. Why don't they show tennis? Why must they show Hannah Storm, mindnumbingly high on oxycontin or some other designer drug that I have not had the great pleasure of trying?

More soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

I Have Been Watching Wimbledon, Just Not Been Blogging

2010-06-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

I'm having a very strange and yet very normal day of watching tennis. Right now, Hewitt and Monfils are in a lovely battle. Monfils is very attractive. Hewitt said "thanks, Mate" very politely to my son Rockytoad when Rockytoad said "good luck tomorrow" to him in Montreal as he dined next to us with his wife and two beefy guys and their baby daughter. Also, once, Hewitt's wife was sitting behind us watching Hewitt play someone- I forget who- and Cheesewad was maybe five and started to lie down in my lap as we had been watching tennis all day long--and she said, "aw, he's so cute" and he is so that was awesome she figured that out. So, I like the Hewitts, but if I had to choose a man with whom to be intimate, I would choose Monfils. Now, this is not because Hewitt is married and I have morals- apparently, I really love married men, as I tend to think about having sex with this one married man lately, which is sort of confusing, but it's just thinking, which is different than doing, I think, and once I watched an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which I never watched much, because I found it too annoying and sort of mean, but the episode I watched was about how when masturbating, the protagonist had people just "pop in" to his mind. Now, I find that interesting--so random. Anyway, once Monfils signed my kids tennis balls and he was super sweet and smiley and cute and I bet he's uncut because all the French are uncut.

What else--um, how bout Hannah Storm? Whatever drugs she's on-I want them. Also, I no longer like Pam Shriver for heckling James Blake. What the fuck was she thinking? Also, I guess I should say something about that really long match, that ended 68/70 in the third between Isner and Mahut. I was pulling for Mahut because I find him more attractive than Isner. That said-it was a very long match, the longest ever by hours and so on. Sort of freaky and weird. My buddy Robert was here watching it with me on Day Two of the match (it took place over three days, but you know that) and that was very exciting because mostly, I watch tennis alone. Robert and I once watched hockey in a sports bar and I drank large amounts of vodka. It was a smashingly good time. But that long match? Sort of boring. Still, cool and strange and like, we were on Mars and all the usual things that are normal on earth didn't apply anymore, but different, strange Martian laws were in effect and they included really long fifth sets.

What else? I'm watching Kelybanova versus Venus Williams. Now, Venus will pull this out-and I LOVE this dress, was not so crazy about the one she wore at the French--but Kleybanova is no joke. She also once squeezed out her ponytail and like, buckets of sweat came out- and then she did it again and again and Rick Rock and I got grossed out. Also, she does this wierd jerky motion with her head. I find watching her amusing because she's sort of gross and strange. And if she's on, I feel like she could beat anyone. I also feel like she's thinking "I'm scary looking and do gross things with my ponytail, and jerk my head around like a horse getting the reigns pulled, but that makes me not care about anything so I'm going to kick your ass".

Sigh. I'm going to take a break from tennis and shower and --and---and maybe get dressed for working out with this ex marine who is 27 years old and really, really attractive and after he brutalizes me with various torturous weight training activities, he then "stretches me out" which makes me all coy and also, very happy for the rest of the day.

More soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

The French Open Final 2010

2010-06-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

Anybody think it was funny when Johnny Mac talked about the "bronzed" skin of Nadal? Johnny Mac can be wierd in a very entertaining way, like when he can't stop talking about Elena Dementieva's thighs.

Some guy is getting carried out from the audience. Play has stopped. Soderling's scruffy patchy beard is not attractive. I took the elevator down with him once in Toronto and in real life, he's a big strong attractive professional athlete. TV does not make him look that hot. Also, he is no where near as hot as Rafa. But that sort of is a given, I guess.

Triple break point here at 2 all in the second. I want Rafa to win. And then I want to have sex with him. No really, Rafa is the better mannered of the two, too. Soderling mocking Nadal's butt picking and then not even looking at him during the handshake- bad, bad manners. They showed it a little earlier, the clip from Wimby 2007, I believe. Man, I now cannot root for Soderling. I don't hate him, but I cannot root for him. I hate very few tennis players. I hate Andy Roddick sometimes, but not all of the time always. I am glad I missed his match against Gabashvili. I read he behaved like a 3 year old brat who demands more cookies and doesn't get them and then tantrums. I would have plugged my ears and put my face in a pillow while watching that match. Unbearable. And usually, having my face in a pillow happens during fun times, but that would not be the case during the Roddick watching.

Nadal took the second set. This is feeling like a steamroll, and not the kind of rolling around all steamy that is fun like faces in pillows can be fun sometimes, but as in Nadal may beat him in straights quite easily. Sigh. Soderling is making too many errors. I wish Berdych had won and then I'd be more confused and excited watching the final. Because - one, Berdych is really insanely smoking hot. And Nadal and Berdych have some bad blood from a match in Madrid years ago where Berdych won and then put a finger to his lips to silence the crowd. Now, beating Nadal in Madrid and having the entire audience against you must be sort of sucky, and not the sort of sucky that is fun like faces in pillows and rolling around all steamy, but the kind that means "not fun". So I sort of kind of maybe a little forgive Berdych for this mistake. So if he were playing, I would be all "Gosh, I like both these guys and not sure who I want to win" but also secretly maybe wanting Rafa to win a little more than Berdych and what I love about thinking about Rafa and Berdych is how different they are, in that one is a big tall scary Viking Nordic God whose ancestors wore bear skins and horned helmets and who brutally took women against their will probably on a regular basis and did so very vigorously and the other is a swarthy Moor, thick and like Johnny Mac says, bronzed, whose ancestors came from Africa and viciously conquered the Iberian peninsula wearing those red and white things wrapped around their head with just their eyes sticking out and long brown dresses and then built buildings with lots of arches and had whole harems of women that they did all sorts of bestial things to. So, yeah, like Rafa and Berdych would be like having chocolate AND vanilla ice cream which is more fun, double the fun I'd say, and that would awesome if it were the kind of fun that having your face in the pillows and rolling around getting all steamy and sucky in a good way would be.

Nadal is up a break in the third. I'm facebook friends with Murphy Jensen and even though Rick Rock said "be careful on the internet P" I checked my facebook....and Murph had posted something about the match and I saw it and looked away and - honestly, I'm sad about that. My bad though- I should not have looked at facebook.

Soderling is not playing well and he looks unhappy out there. It's 4/2 in the third. This final is a little boring. But that's OK, it's been a great clay court season. I feel sorry for Robin. I really do. Even if he has bad manners sometimes. This sucks in a bad way, not in the way of the Vietnamese purchased girlfriend in that movie about American soldiers in Vietnam.

Aww, Rafa is so emotional! I love it. I love tennis. I love life. He did it. It means so much to him after having lost last year. I'm getting all emotional, too. His fifth French Open title, and he did it without losing a set.

Yours Truly,

Paula

Williamses Crush Doubles Action With Love, Plus Lesbians

2010-06-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

RR Here,

Sorry readers, P is being a lazy blogger so you have to put up with me.

They just showed a peek of the Williams sisters beating Huber/Medina Garrigues. And we were saying - I really like them playing doubles. And they are really motivated, both being out of the singles. There is no way they don't win it. But the best is, I think the main reason they care about the doubles is because, they play together. You get the feeling, they really love each other, and just like to be out there together. I give them tons of credit. I mean, who doesn't have some shit with their sibling? But they are good. P would sooner play doubles with a blind, drunken donkey than with me. For example. Can't really blame her. I mean we are not siblings. Although some have said there is a resemblance. Let's change the subject.

To... Lesbians! Most doubles teams are Together Outrageously. Is this actually true? Who knows. But a) seems like it and b) why not, it's good copy. Rennae Stubbs spoke very frankly about playing doubles with Lisa Raymond when they were lovers, then breaking up, then later playing together again whilst not being Together Outrageously. Then Rennae went on to talk about wining some match and getting so hammered she had alcohol poisoning. Go Australia!!!!

I like Lesbians. I know, when a guy says that, it's like, ew. But I don't mean it in a Spring Break/Penthouse Forum way. What? I Respect the lesbians. Because, I like ladies, so, I'm like, yeah. And, not to generalize, but they crack me up. Anyway, that's why ladies doubles is cool - GTO's right and left, and then some sisters loving each other, and then "hottie" teams like Hingis and Kournikova. Ha ha. Actually , mixed doubles is really fun too, but very rarely on TV.

Stopping - match point for Meltzer - can he do it?

RR out

Ladies Semis French Open 2010 - So Who's It Gonna BE HUH?

2010-06-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

RR here -

JJ, Leni, Stosur and Schiavone! What?? Well it's not that weird I guess - all except Schiavone have been deep in grand slams and specifically the French before. But who would have picked that final four? It's exciting to have 4 players in the semis who have never won a grand slam. I'll be happy for any one of these women.

So who's it going to be? That's really tough. I am going to go with.... Jankovic. No, Stosur. No, Jankovic. Leni? I don't know! Watch Schiavone sneak on through, that would be rad.

Well I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Many great players watching from the stands. It'll be fun.

RR out

GABASHVILI!!!!!

2010-05-31T14:20:00.001-07:00

I blogged about him once here at length and what he means to me in regard to tennis and life. I'm watching him play Meltzer. Meltzer takes out Ferrer, Gabashvili takes out Roddick. I LOVE TENNIS. I love it.

More soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

BIRTHDAY BLOG POST

2010-05-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday and I'm pretty much going to sit around and watch tennis ALL FUCKING DAY AND NIGHT. First- yay that the French Open takes place during my birthday. BUT- GULBIS RETIRING IN THE FIRST ROUND???!!!!!???!!! People- I had him going to the FINAL in my raquet bracket!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! When I watched him retire yesterday, I started screaming at the television set, than I pulled my hair up over my head and then, I was shaking with rage, boiling with it, and then, like, blood started to spurt out of my eyeballs and then I started to turn into a werewolf, like, my head all stretched out and werewolfy, like in my favorite movie of all time, Underworld. That's how mad I was.

Shit. Anyway, today is my birthday and I get to watch tennis and I'm really, really trying not to think about the above subject matter. I was really enjoying the Dent and Lapenti match. I find both of those men very attractive in very different ways. Lapenti is just your typical insanely gorgeous Latin professional athelete- sort of like touching him on his super sleek brown abs would be like touching a tiny bit of God and, like, you would melt and start making all sorts of uncontrollable noises. Dent, on the other hand, isn't conventionally handsome at all- in fact he sort of looks like a neanderthal. But, oddly, that is part of his charm- he looks like he'd grab you by the hair with a big ole club in the other hand and drag you into a cave and, well, you know. Also, I'd love to get drunk with him and then let him drag me into a cave. He looks like a fun drinking buddy. All loud and physical and then falls down and passes out and shit.

Speaking of getting drunk, that is what I did last night. I know, I know, that seems hard to believe! It was awesome and fun but today I feel like shit. This is how it goes. Life. Anyway, I sort of like feeling like shit. It makes sitting around all day seem "OK" or something.

Digression alert- while I was watching tennis this morning, I started to talk about beautiful women with a friend on the internet. And he asked me, what did I think a beautiful woman looked like. I said Canas's girlfriend, Fabiana Semprebom, and shared this link to a picture of her (and hey, that writer "pr" has some great posts! click on pr I think and then you get the motherload of pr posts.) He agreed and said something that I won''t repeat- it was the perfect thing to say after looking at that picture and his saying it really excited me--so then I started thinking about Fabiana and Canas (and hey, is he not in the draw? I think he is not. But who cares because he gets to nail Fabiana), and then, well, my friend, and then I had to stop watching tennis and go lie down. Sigh. And first, before I had my lie down, I listened to a song by Juliana Hatfield called "Always in the Mood". Then I got a little melancholy. The hangover was part of that, but I also sometimes get melancholy thinking about sex and professional atheletes and friends. Here is an old post where I get melancholy on my train ride back from the Canada Open. Sigh.

OK. Dent won. He's gotta play Soderling next. That will be a fun match, even if neither of them are Latinos. I did have Lapenti winning in my racquet bracket, but at this point- who cares. In fact, I think I have discussed this before, but one of these days I'm going to fill out the racquet bracket as BADLY as I can and see if can be in last place. Like, have some qualifier win the whole thing. HAHA. Sigh. I didn't do that this time, though.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Whoa! Gasquet is nice in Nice!

2010-05-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

RR Here -

I swore I would never blog again, but here I am. Because P asked me to, and I just can't say no to her. She is so cute.

I was like, oh, the Nice final, it'll probably be like Falla and I don't know, Petscher? Is that even a player? Not disrespecting those guys, if I even have their names right. But anyway, I was shocked when it was Verdasco-Gasquet. P was pretty excited. She finds them both, shall we say, attractive.

Verdasco got all crazy, fussing like a little whiny girl crying because someone messed up her little tea party with her dolls, boo hoo. Also, French people are crazy. The crowd was booing and all. Boo, boo. Verdasco didn't like that. Boo boo, boo hoo.

Now we are watching the Warsaw ladies final, and P is noting, as are the announcers, that they have the same outfit, but not the same, but they look the same. Because all the clothing companies are a giant cartel colluding on what colors will be allowed. It's corrupt! Free the colors.

I was in Warsaw a few days ago, and I was like, crap there is a tennis going on! But I was only there in the airport for like, 2 hours. So it was not going to happen. I was returning home from Belarus, homeland of Azarenka, who P is disappointed with for not being better. Sbe's ready for someone new to break through (other than Wozniacki).

Back to the dudes - awesome for Gasquet to win a tournament. I hope he has a good French. He really kept it together and fought back, even when Verdasco was playing really well, just massively overpowering him. He hung in, Verdasco turned into a little girl bawling over her lost kitten, and Gasquet won.

Back to the ladies. Maybe more later. Dulgheru looks cuter than Zheng in their "official pictures" but, in reality, Zheng is hotter. Confusing. Some of them spend more money on the official pictures than others. Sort of like on Facebook. Both are really good at tennis. Zheng is kind of hello kitty (I know that is actually Japanese). Ironic that no eastern Europeans are in the final in a rare eastern European event (Romania is not eastern IMO - Southern).

Going -RR out.

I Can't Blog Anymore - Also, Corina Reminds me of P - Also JJ vs. Rezai in Madrid

2010-05-14T20:56:00.000-07:00

RR Here -

I can't blog anymore. I am intimidated by P's awesome blogging of late. The finger of the universe? People having sex with themselves, to DEATH? Rafa eating his sister?? I can't blog anymore. I give up. No doubt our many readers see "RR Here" and say, "oh it's the boring douchey one, guess I'll go back to Fleshbot until P blogs again."

Corina reminds me of P - the disheveled hair, like she just rolled out of bed, after rolling around in the bed, the friskiness. When she gets a chance to interview a dude, she's all giggly and like, sitting in his lap. Dressing a little like a hooer - all reminds me of our P.

Oh wow Rezai beat Henin - including a bagel! That's incredible! She's kind of awesome - hits the ball really hard. Looks like a Klingon a little in the dress. I am not really a fashion authority, I am just making an observation.

I have to stop - I forgot I can't blog anymore.

RR out - for good!

Monfils v. Nadal

2010-05-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

I think I just discovered that the reason why people play tennis is because they are trying not to have sex. I mean, I used to think that people played or watched tennis for other reasons. In fact, I wrote this thing sort of contemplating why I was a tennis fan and tennis player once. But I feel that the real reason people play tennis or watch it, too, is because otherwise, they would be having sex all the time. And so, like, to not have sex all the time, they have to do other things, like play tennis. Because if I were Rafa, I would just be having sex with myself non-stop. Right? Who are we kidding here? Like, I would have so much sex with myself if I were Rafa that I would do nothing else and like, not even eat or anything and then I would die. And we don't want Rafa to die, do we? So it's sort of admirable that people try not to have sex all the time and that is probably why tennis was invented in the first place. I mean, that's a good reason to invent something, too, and the ultimate result is to prevent a whole lot of deaths.

Monfils is down a break. I gotta say, I cannot think of two other tennis players who I would rather be watching right now. This is just amazing hotness and wild, great tennis shot making. I'm having beer o'clock right now with my buddy, Steve. I just said, when the towel girl came to give Monfils a towel after he fell down, "I'd like to towel him off". Steve said, "Now, see, that is the sort of thing you think, but don't say." He has a point. But then I said, "but I'm getting all inspired to blog, and that's the sort of thing I blog about." And he said, "OK," and shrugged. Steve's used to me. We get shitfaced and watch sports a lot. He's the best.

Wow, 6/1 Nadal. I looked down and blog for two paragraphs and whoah- he cruised through two games super quickly.

Steve and his family and me and my family are going to have roast beef night.We do a Friday night roast beef night with great regularity. It makes me happy.

Yours Truly,

Paula

Verdasco defeats Karlovic

2010-05-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

It's shitty outside, so what better thing to do than watch tennis? Why, nothing better.

Verdasco took the first set off of Karlovic. I have seen Karlovic play up close on a back court in Canada and it amazes me anyone can ever return his serve. But people can. Oooh, Verdasco is up a break here.

My brain hurts today. I'm not hungover-I know that is hard to believe, but I did drink some cheap shit last night, although not a lot of it, but still, the cheap shit can give you head pain, so maybe the booze is part of the problem--but for sure my cats did not let me sleep this morning. So, I didn't get my ten hours which I need to feel my very best. One of my cats- the one pictured here by the name of Rafa--attacks the other. Rafa thinks his sister is prey. Like she's some oversized mouse. So he was all over her this morning and you have to get up and get involved so he doesn't, like, eat her. I bet the real Rafa doesn't try to eat his sister. I wish my Rafa took more after the real one. They both have a little goofy boy vibe, that I will say.

Verdasco has 5/3 here. Can he do it? Can he serve it out. He's two points away. He seems quite calm, which is awesome because he can get pretty mental. He's a Madrileno (put a little thingy over the n in your mind), so I really want him to do well here. I love Madrid. Did I tell you that? I was just there last March. He did it! I wonder if he's going to go make love to his supermodel contingency or if he saves it up during tournaments the way Vince Spadea does and writes about in his book, Breakpoint, which is a great read, by the way. I highly recommend it.

I'm going to lie down now. More soon.

Yours Truly,

Paula

I Am The Future Of Sports Journalism

2010-05-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

The title of this post is actually, very much, not at all true. But I like the sound of it as a title for a post, it has a nice ring to it.

People- I am watching tennis. I am watching Montanes and Gulbis. Very tight first set here. A quick digression though-- How awful was it to watch Moya get beat so badly. It was unbearable for me. Just awful. And the commenters called it! They said before the match started, "Moya may embarrass himself out there". My God they were so right. I looked away a lot. I worry because he broke Pennetta's heart, he is now cursed. Because it's not nice to break anyone's heart, but especially someone as cute and wonderful seeming as Pennetta. They kept showing his model girlfriend in the audience. Yeah, she's "beautiful"- but she's no Pennetta. She doesn't exude the same charm and fun lovingness as Pennetta. I bet Pennetta is more fun in bed. I bet the model just lies there, going "worship my perfect body" whereas Pennetta was more like, jumping all over the place, trying out new stuff, always eager and energetic. And now, because Moya stupidly left her for the model, he's not getting as well laid as he should, and so now he sucks at tennis. Wow, the thought of Moya having sex just really got to me and I think I have to take a little break here and calm down.

I'll be back.

Gulbis won the first set. He's playing so well. I sort of feel for Montanes though, as he is the underdog here despite being a true dirtballer. Anyway, it's not over. I guess today I'm sort of rooting for the underdog, which happens a lot with me. You see, I am an underdog of life. So, I just relate I guess. For instance, before spending the entire day sitting around, trying to get men to chat with me and watching tennis and having chicken sandwiches delivered to me from the Vietnamese Restaurant and possibly getting stoned on my allergy medicine and later I'm thinking gin and tonics even if it is a little chilly because they get me fucked up faster than wine, I decided to go on a run at the gym. I ate a cliff bar- it went down really well, which is great, because sometimes they make me gag--chugged some coconut water and water water, and went to the gym and mounted a treadmill. I, unlike Rick Rock, love the treadmill -- usually. I like staring at nothing or a hockey game and I crank my mp3 player really loud and mouth the words and occasionally do a little dance and don't give a shit that I look wierd, because I'm just into my thing and enjoying our brief time here on this planet. But the treadmill was like Gulbis today, and I was like Montanes, the underdog, fighting away to not lose and even though, like Montanes, I fought valiantly (he's down 0/3 here and looking kind of hangdoggy, poor guy, I think he's really hot with his sort of bucked teeth and his swarthy good looks, he totally reminds me of Freddie Mercury and I love Freddie Mercury and I just broke out into "We Are The Champions" in my mind and now I'm smiling, oh shit, this is so awesome, life, tennis, Freddie Mercury), the treadmill was winning from the very beginning. I started my jog and immediately felt horrible. This is not uncommon. My knee, then my shin, then my hips, everything fucking ached. But, like Montanes, I kept fighting. Soon, I felt like, whoah, I'm breathing hard, am I going to die? I often feel this way when I exersize. So then I said, well, I'll slow it down. (That would be like the treadmill winning the first set.) So I did. That helped with the "fear of death by heart attack" that was in my brain. So then I felt a little better, starting mouthing the words all happy-like, and I said, man, if I don't feel better, I'll just stop at a mile. Nothing wrong with that. Then, that made me happier, so I kept going. Then, I said, well, why not run two? I can quit at two, nothing wrong with that. This made me so happy. At two miles, I said, well, maybe two and half. And that made me so happy (always happy feelings comes over me when I think of stopping running soon) that I turned up the speed and anyway, I ran three and half and I didn't get to four or five because, then, like Gulbis, the treadmill kicked my ass and I started coughing some and thought I was going to have a massive allergy attack which has been happening a lot lately so I panicked and ended my run, losing to the treadmill. Sigh.

Montanes is going for some treatment and really breaking up the rhythm. I'm fast forwarding. OK, this is now not fun to watch. Montanes can't move well. He's down 4/1. You know, I watch a lot of tennis, but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable and sad. That's why fast forward is so good. It can make some of the painful bits go away. I like Gulbis, by the way. I just- I'm feeling sensitive. Maybe that's because of my own defeat today. You know what I like about Gulbis? He's a billionare and yet, he works hard and is a success at tennis! Dude, if I was a billionare, I would be on a yacht, getting really fucked up, and cruising around the Greek Islands with a handful of boy toys and some slaves, or staff, or whatever. I would not be working hard at anything. Or so I think. I may never find out what I would really do if I were a billionare. Sigh.

Aw, Montanes lost like me. 6/1 in the second. Now Baghdatis is beating Chiundelli. This is OK by me. The Bag has really struggled. So this is good.

Yours Truly,

Paula

Madrid Masters Starts Today! (Where I contemplate the spending of an entire day watching tennis).

2010-05-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

I am watching Melzer, the wily Austrian play the tree-like, or giraffe like, Kevin Anderson of South Africa. We saw Anderson this past summer in Binghamton (I think, or the summer before? I could search the blog and find out. Maybe I'll do that later. Or maybe not.). He had a huge serve. He's young. He just cracked an amazing ace. I served like ass yesterday. Meltzer won the first set, but Anderson is up a break here in the second.

Aaaaah, eight hours of tennis. Now, it's Monday. The beginning of a new week. A day when, after a weekend of rest and relaxion, or wild drunken partying and illicit sex, one usually "gets back to work" either literally like my husband, or at least figuratively, um, I guess like me. As in, I don't go anywhere, but maybe I should do something, besides sit around and watch tennis all day- and mind you--all night long , too. Well, not all. But at least until midnight, when the internet miraculously leaves me, because Rick Rock had to install some software to make it so, because I was staying up until 3am waaaaaay too often and partying with old boyfriends and other people. Now, it's kind of cool that one can party with other people and not actually leave their house. Indeed, it's ideal for me. I love to party, I hate to leave my house. But anyway, it got out of hand. And I just seriously digressed.

Whoah. OK, so Monday, the first day of the week, is the day I choose to sit around watching tennis all day long. Now, there are lots of people doing this! For instance, the commenters on the Tennis Channel, the cameramen, the ballboys, the chair, many sports journalists, the people actually attending the event in Madrid and so on. And many of these people get paid to watch the event! And some others paid to go to the event! I, on the other hand, am not getting paid (not entirely true, I have made about 20 bucks or so- thank you people, for clicking on my ad thingy!) to watch tennis all day long, nor did I pay any money to watch it all day long (as in, I am not there, which is "special" as opposed to being here, at home watching TV, which is not special, although I do pay extra bucks to get the Tennis Channel). So why does it feel sort of wierd and useless? Because I'm not getting paid? Because I am not there? Why, yes. Those would be two reasons. And I'm sure there are more reasons. I was trying to write my way into understanding what some deeper, more esoteric reasons there could be, but I've come up with nothing. Maybe that is it, that "nothing" is the deeper more esoteric reason. There is something very, just, you know, living in a void of inactivity and mindlessness and the whole world is a speck of dust on the finger of a cold universe but if I pretend that tennis matters, that it really does matter who wins and how they play, and damn, look how good they are at this beautiful sport, than I can block out all that existential thought and yet, it also seems to be reinforcing the void of meaning of life because I'm sitting here doing nothing with my life but blogging, and oh wait, blogging IS something, blogging is reaching out to the world of tennistards and saying hi and aknowledging the existence of other human beings in the universe and touching them with words which could maybe lead to other kinds of touching! But I digress.

Also, I did go to the bookstore and pick up some stuff, so that is something. I just left the TV on because it's a lot of tennis to watch. In fact, I may do that special trick I do, which is to watch it on fast forward.

Anderson took the second set and now they are on serve in the third. I want Melzer to win for a few reasons- One, he is the old guy. Sometimes I root for the old guy, because he has less career time. Sometimes I root for the up and comer, because its exciting to have new blood in the game. Two- He's Austrian. I'm a full half Austrian. Go Austria. Sometimes I don't root for Austrians because, well, I'm sort of ashamed of being half Austrian because of WW2 and shit. And Three--he's waaaaay hotter than Anderson. That said, I would not have sex with Melzer, as it would be way too much like having sex with my Austrian cousin, who I did not have sex with when I was fifteen and he was seventeen and we got drunk and wrestled and it was totally erotic and I thought he might have been, um, aroused, and I think we were listening to Prince and Frank Zappa and chain smoking and talking about deep thoughts on our crazyass families.

Yours Truly,

Paula

Rockytoad Wins! And, More Feet

2010-05-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

My son won a tennis tournament. We are watching Henin and Peer play tennis. Peer just slapped herself on the ass to motivate herself. I find that sort of alarming. It's so porno. Anyway, back to my son. He also won a trophy for "best sportsmanship". This made me so proud of him that I started to hyperventilate. I LOVE good manners. Cheesewad, on the right in full on Verdasco-wear, did not play well. His mind got in the way. That's OK, though, because at least he had awareness of his problem. Holy smokes Henin is soooooooooo good at tennis. Wierdo freak-like tennis genius.

The other photo here is of my feet. On my feet are JCrew espadrilles with tennis racquets on them. I love these shoes. They also lace up the calf which is almost as porno as slapping one's ass and basically saying, "giddyup!"

Soon we will be blogging on Ferrer v. Nadal. This will be more fun for me than watching these ladies. Not to be ungrateful to the tennis Gods. I love all tennis all the time, hence the name of the blog. Oh, Henin just won. I will say this about Peer- she seems to compete to the best of her ability at all times. She really gets the most out of her game. She also has really nice breasts. I liked her Reebok outfit. In fact, she has a cute body altogether- not scary strong, not skinny, either.

Yours Truly,

Paula

Gulbis & Nadal - Rome Semi - Nadal pulls it out

2010-05-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

RR here -

Wow what a match. I am kind of rooting for Nadal, whilst P is for the young Latvian. The young gentleman from Latvia. The Lat-man. None of this is working.

Glubis is really impressive. Nadal just did something really rad - they talk about "holding" the ball sometimes - that time it looked like he literally caught the ball on his strings, held it there, and then flicked it.

I have been pretty convinced Gulbis would win this - even before he won the second set. But it's 4-5 0-30 and, Nadal may pull this out. Love-40 now. Triple match point. Of course, he came down from 0-40 just a few games ago.

It's a little odd I am for Nadal - because of the underdog thing. I think it must be because we are so similar in so many ways. Well, perhaps not superficially, or let's say in any perceptible way at all. But our tennis games are very similar. For example, once in a while he hits a ball into the net, which I do quite often.

Well there you go - Nadal did it. Gulbis just kind of fell apart in that last game. I really did think he was going to win. That was a really good match. Gulbis will someday be an accomplished tennis player, I believe.

We gotta go - Cheesewad and Rockytoad are playing in a tournament at the sports club near our house tomorrow, and we have to drive back. So, farewell then.

RR out

What the Hell is Going ON?

2010-05-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

No, really. Tennis is wierd. Poor Verdasco. He's down a break in the second after having lost the first set- and he was up two breaks in the first set--and then the Italian crowd starts whistling when he almost goes down 3/0---and now they are cheering him as he finally gets some points. And now---can he break. I just- I just really want him to win this. His body language sucks right now. They talked about mental fatigue. I think more than the physicality of playing a 3 plus hour match yesterday, the mind gets exhausted. The concentration required to play at a high level day after day! It's like being an astronaut or a surgeon- you can't let your mind wander for one second--the focus has to be so intense, but instead of concentrating on the gooey insides of a human body and like, the bloody veins and flesh and organs and shiney, sharp intruments that cut people up, or like, the spaceship's little red and white blinking controls and the stars and comets and wierd dehydrated food stuff and their puffy outfits and floating and shit- you have to focus on a tennis ball.

OH MY GOD- he broke! On serve then in the second. Oops. Just got broken again. Sigh.

Well, Verdasco just has played waaay too much tennis. Cudos to Ferrer. I like Ferrer. I feel badly for Verdasco. It was hard to watch that second set. He looked miserable out there. But I'm not going to feel too badly for him, because now he gets to go have like, three supermodels rub their naked, oiled, insanely beautiful , perfectly tanned voluptuous bodies all over him while their long, luxurious hair caresses his abs like gentle butterflies fluttering wings, and his ears fill with the gentle moaning of their undying love for him..and..so on...

Yours Truly,

Paula

My Internet May Go Away Soon

2010-04-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

We have this new software that makes the internet crash at midnight. Tonight, I did some pleading- I got an extra hour from RR. But that ends in ten minutes. He's funny. I was not saying genius things- I was saying dumb things that made him laugh, though. Gulbis pulling out that first set in that awesome tiebreak- wow. Maybe Lopez will need a comforting presence if he loses. Also- I did not have sex with him on that bar! Oral sex doesn't count, right? Ask Bill Clinton.

I want to stay up and watch this match. I want more internet time. I tend to talk to handsome men I know via chat stuff and then, I feel like shit about it. So. It's a conundrum. Do I stay up, watching tennis and trying to get guys to chat with me? Or do I not? Also, will RR give me another extension? Hmmmm.

Lopez is down break point here early on in the second set. Oh-Gulbis did it!

Yours truly,

Paula

Gulbis vs Lopez in Rome - Holy Crap!

2010-04-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

RR Here -

Whoa Lopez just hit a smoking, Federer like backhand winner - what the hell? His backhand has really improved. Gulbis too is like, a new man. Maybe the family fortune has been gobbled up by the European debt crisis, and he's thinking, Oh wow I better win some tennis games. Hi, we are talking about the European debt crisis on Must Watch Tennis. Tomorrow we will discuss the valuation of the Yuan. Or maybe Gulbis is trying to impress some new supermodel.

Gulbis looks like a big, studly non-scientologist version of Beck. I mean, he looks a little like Beck.

I asked P which of these dudes she would rather get "intimate" with. Ladies, and gentlemen, it would be... Lopez. The Latin dude wins out. She had a little conversation with Lopez in the hotel bar in Toronto one year. (I was there, nervously listening). "Hola, juegas bien". "Gracias". Then they had sex on the bar. OK, all true except for that last part. I think. She can be pretty sneaky, she might have pulled off a quickie there.

I am a little hung over again. Coincidence?

P thinks Gulbis should shave. Too young, that scruffly stuff. By the way, this is kind of an awesome match.

Ah, I am out of things to say. P keeps saying genius things and saying, "write that", so now I am going to give the computer to her.

RR out

Ernests Gulbis + Pajamas

2010-04-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

RR here -

Just a quick comment here, as there has been some tequila, and it's a school night and all...

We had a friend who we like very much - he stayed a weekend with us and when he left, we discovered he had left his dirty PJs and underwear hanging in the bathroom. P was scared to touch them, and she made me fetch them and, like, seal them in a plastic wrapper for transportation back to the friend. And she is not generally a prissy or squeamish lady. But she was scared of our friend's nether garments.

Anyway, I just asked her, if Gulbis left his underthings hanging in our bathroom, PJ's and all, would she be hesitant to handle them. She said no. She would be fine with handling Gulbis' undergarments.

Just a quick update - I thought our readers would like to know.

PS - Gulbis is currently (in our replaying time-shifted world) a break up on Fed in the 3rd, and playing awesomely. And Fed looks crusty...

RR out

Barcelona Semi-finals!

2010-04-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

Ferrer and Verdasco! And I'm running out of the house to drive upstate! Cheeesewad, the younger of my sons, got the exact shirt that Verdasco is wearing for his birthday just the other day! I may have to post the picture of him in it. He looks even better than Verdasco, which is saying a lot. Although my feelings for Verdasco are very different than my feelings for my son. Like, light years different in terms of- my feelings, my relationship, to those two. As in, when I think of my son, I don't think any of the thoughts I think of when I think of Verdasco. but- hmmm. In terms of hugeness of love in my heart, Cheesewad wins.

Hopefully I get to watch this later today and comment on the match. Rick Rock and I met in Barcelona, so that's super special.

Also- so good to hear from Rowan! Love how he loves the Woz's dirty behind.

Green Green Clay

2010-04-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! Rowan here. I’m enjoying Paula and Rick Rock’s hungover blogs and thought I’d post something too. I’m not hungover, but I have been watching Monte Carlo. Rafa looked really good.

But what interests me most at the mo are the green clay courts of Charleston. I didn’t see any of the tournament, but I have been looking at pictures, and man that green clay looks cool. Seriously, I really like the look of it. And when it is caking the back of Caroline Wozniacki it looks extra cool. Charleston is now on my short list of tournaments to attend one day, because its green clay courts look so dope.

Nadal Defeats Verdasco in the Monte Carlo Final

2010-04-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

The title of this post is premature, as I have not quite finished watching this match.

Man, Verdasco just held for the first time and I am so happy. And now he just nailed a forehand. A fantastic angle. This is what he needs to do to make a match out of this- hit perfectly amazing shots non-stop. HAHA. The commenters are good. One just said that Nadal won the first set 6/0 on Doha and then lost the match. Somehow, I don't foresee that happening here, people.

Nadal just made an error. He does that very rarely.

Rick Rock is funny. He very, very rarely has a hangover. He's really cute when he does. It happens like, three times a year? Me- hmm- three times a week? We're different that way. And yet, he tolerates me because...because..of our mutual love of tennis? That and I make a mean hot dog.

It's 40/30 here in the third game of the second set. Verdasco is serving. Oooh no--He did not. He just doubled faulted twice in row! I do that all the time. I know how it feels. It feels like ass. Now he just put a forehand in the net. I feel he just can't handle the pressure. I give Nadal tons of credit though. He is playing ferociously well. And his parents divorce is the thing that kills me the most. Do you think thier son's wild success and the pressure of all that it entails is the reason for the divorce?

I feel I should link the Shakira Nadal video. Hmm. I can't find it but I found the song and some stills from the video- check it out. I will try to. Here is what I think- Shakira is a nasty little slut. Nadal is a pervert. Life is beautiful. Sex is natural and lovely. People like to have sex. I was really, really jealous of Shakira in that video to the point of getting really angry while watching it. Like started huffing and puffing and making angry faces. Oh, Nadal just broke Verdasco. Sigh. Poor Fernando.

I am off to play tennis with Cal Redmond, the world's greatest tennis teacher. I have not exersized in about two weeks. I'm sort of nervous. I don't know how to spell exersize. I usually hit the gym like four times a week. But I had a nasty cold. That, and I hate going to the gym, I just do it because- one- I like to eat but I don't want to be overweight- and two, I have ten million bad habits and like, the gym is my only good habit. It's 4/1 here in the second set. This is not a very good final.

Man, it sure is fun to be less hungover than RR. It's sort of like Christmas or something. Like, a special gift. Or maybe even a miracle. Or like, Martians came down and changed the whole universe to not resemble the universe as it once was and now it's like Mars.

Yours Truly,

Paula

Monte Carlo Final - I'm more Hangovered Than Paula

2010-04-18T09:44:00.000-07:00

RR Here -

Oww...... Paula says blogging is good for hangovers. She says if I blog I'll feel better. So I am trying. There was too much tequila last night drunk by people. I know there has been a lot of talk about hangovers on the blog lately, but we are not bad people. This is unusual for me. It was Saturday night last night!

Verdasco is getting a neck rub - it's 5-0 Nadal and I think he has a headache. I want a neck rub too.

The announcer dudes said the players are all taking a bus to Barcelona after this, because of the volcano thing. Paula says she would like to be on that bus. She actually has a history of taking long somewhat sketchy bus rides.

I'm not sure this is making me feel better....

Verdasco is back, but it is looking bagel-y. I had a bagel a little while ago and it helped a bit. Verdasco really looks like he's a bit hurt - I hope he can play it out.

P is pulling for Verdasco to keep things interesting, but I must admit I am hoping for Rafa to win, he deserves something good, after the troubles he's had. Something good other than rubbing up against Shakira that is. Did he break up with his girlfriend? If you know please let us know, because we don't.

It's bagel point number two - let's see...oh yes there he's done it.

Ow... taking a break. Blogging maybe made me feel a little better. I hope it didn't give you, the reader, a headache.

RR out

THE SEMI-FINALS OF MONTE CARLO AND THE RETURN OF RICK ROCK

2010-04-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

PEOPLE. Rick Rock returned at 8am and everyone is much better off for it. Even the cats. For instance, the cat food can get full of ants and sometimes I take care of the situation, but sometimes I do not, pretending that it doesn't matter. Rick Rock - he'll help out with things like that. Aaaaahhh. A helper. I love help. I'm going to try to get him to blog, too. That would mean a tiny break from the "I want to have sex with tennis players and man, I feel hungover" meme that I work very hard to adhere to because of it's deep importance to the understanding of sports in our nation. Aw, he just brought me a cup of tea. I feel so grateful.

Ferrer is losing. I once saw him beat Nadal at the US Open. But that was not clay. Rafa and clay is like shrimp and cocktail sauce or a burger and a coke, or vodka and cigarettes, or bourbon and cigarettes, or martinis and oysters, or brandy and chocolate cake. Wow. I just got inspired for going out to dinner. I slept until 1pm today, so I'm not tired enough yet to have a "tennis nap". I'll try to get into this match. Sometimes, at the end of events- the final four and the final-I feel bereft and detached, like I can't maintain the initial love and frenzy I felt at the beginning of the week, when I had ten hours of tennis every day. Other times, I savor the last moments like a fine cognac, or even a decent bourbon, or like, a perfect martini, or -shit-a Coors tallboy with a straw stuck down it.

OK. It's 2 all in the second. Perhaps something exciting will happen (that would mean something like Ferrer starts getting ahead, or, like, jumps out of the TV and into my lap.)

Yours truly,

Paula

Nalbandian versus Djokovic

2010-04-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

I wish Ferrero had taken Nadal to a third set. Oh well. I love Rafa. I have a cat named Rafa. His named has since digressed to Waffleberry. But- his name really is Rafa.

David fucking Nalabandian. I basically started this blog because of him! And he's back after all that time away with his hip surgery. OH MY GOD. I... I love him. I think it is safe to say that he made me cry upon a few of his big wins. Cry tears of joy. When he won the year end championship against Federer? When he won Madrid and Paris, back to back? Oh man, I'm getting all choked up just thinking about it. He's so noble and polite and - no pushover - and Argentine and stoic and emotional and handsome and good at tennis and a choker and ......

I'm sipping on some Dominican rum. Rockytoad is on his way back from "band practice". Also, Rockytoad made the JV tennis team. We are proud. He's also grown six inches since I last posted- not yesterday- but the time before that.

Djokovic is interesting me here. I think he really really wants to win this. And he most likely will. He's hitting fabulously. As much as I'd like Nalbandian to win this match, and the French Open, and the presidential election, and the lottery, and so on, this has been a good run for him so recently healthy and having been gone so long. So, like, I'm trying to be happy for him. That said- what if he turns it around and wins this match!!?? I'll roll around on the floor, hugging myself.

Which brings me to- do guys only think about sex all the time? I was thinking about that recently. Like, does Nalbandian think about tennis a lot? Or while he's playing tennis, is he thinking about getting it on with his girlfriend later on? Like, is he imagining her naked body, or just thinking about tennis. I have some of the strangest thoughts when I play tennis. Some of those thoughts go like this, man, I'm hungover. Wow, how many cigarettes did I smoke last night. Ug, I don't feel very good. And so forth. I think it's safe to say Roddick maybe- just maybe- thinks about Brooklyn, his fiancee or whatever she is-- occasionally when playing tennis. Sort of like a carrot on a stick sort of thing (want to win this match, go home and nail her, oh, there in my head is a picture of her naked while I'm on this court, but it's OK, I can still play tennis). Of course, I could be wrong. Perhaps they focus better than I do when I play tennis. This is a serious possibility.

Yours Truly,
Paula

THE QUARTERFINALS OF MONTE CARLO 2010

2010-04-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

Well, that Kohlschreiber/Ferrer match was PERFECT for a tennis nap. I snoozed on and off for two hours. Aaaaah. Glad to see Ferrer, also known as the turtle, (read this old post here that explains the "tennis nap", a common theme here at MWTATT (that acronym sounds vaguely like a vulgar word), and Ferrer and turtleness) win that one. He is from Spain. Did I tell you all I was in Spain a few weeks ago? I WAS! I stayed at a big old tennis resort hotel! There were some seriously hot tennis pros there. Sad to say, I was never alone with any of them. But we had some nice group lessons --all four of us--and the red clay was beautiful and Spain was beautiful and I did my best to prance around in tiny tennis outfits and smile at the cute pros a lot.

Right now, Ferrero and Nadal are playing. This, my friends, is a match I am NOT fast forwarding. I love both these guys. It's sort of torture- as in--I really don't want either to lose. Gosh. I could get worked up about this.

Sigh. Rick Rock has been travelling a lot and I'm bored and lonely. In fact, last night I stayed up til 3am or thereabouts (not sure, I know, it's funny), chatting away on the internet until I passed out. I have a gift for that- such a huge gift that we have downloaded some software that makes the internet go away at midnight (or whatever time you choose). The problem is- we only did it on ONE computer. Tomorrow, Rick will do it on the other computer, and maybe I can get cured from the "hi cute boys on the internet", although to be fair, I also could stay up all night chatting with Must Watch Tennis All The Time's Roxane Gay. She's so fun it's ..it's...Mindblowing. Anyway, then I got up a few hours later and got the kids off the school, then I went back to bed until 1:15pm. Then I got up and got acupuncture, because I am sick. Clearly, I am not going to get any better if I think I can stay up til 3am.

Nadal just won the first set. Ferrero really challenged him, though. I'll never forgive Roddick for beating Ferrero in straights at that US Open final all those eons ago. Know what else? That was the time that Nalbandian beat Federer! And then Nalbandian lost to Roddick - that match was so upsetting. Nalby threw the fourth set. The crowd was nuts. Am I the only person on the planet that remembers that all so vividly and yet, I can't remember what time I went to bed last night? HAHA. I'm retarded.

Here is how I am watching tennis. I am sitting on this couch/slash bed piece of furniture- it has no proper back. My little girl kitten, Pencils aka Penny, is at the end of it. Where I hang on it, it has developed a deep sag. And I'm not heavy- but I have persistently, over many years, sat here. It's my- nest. I have my calender with lots of scribbles on it (acupuncture 2pm!), about three various strength blankets, three very smooshed pillows, the clickerbicker (does anyone really call it the "remote"?Seriously, I'm curious.), Victoria Secret catalogues, two pairs of dirty socks, the phone a pen, some other catalogues, a very crumpled New Yorker, a short story I printed out, a dirty T-shirt- and yeah. Next to me is a table with wine, hand cream, two books, face cream, chapstick, lip gloss and a box of "vape" stuff. ( I now vape for the most part- which means, I almost don't smoke!!!! WOOHOO! Ask me all about vaping.)

My flatscreen TV is about a 3ft by 4foooter? I should know, but I don't. The weather sort of looks crappy in Monte Carlo. I want Ferrero to change his body language. he needs to hold his head up. He can do this- he can win. Although, that would mean Nadal would lose, which would make me sad. I'm so confused. I just wrinkled my brow in consternation.

Yours Truly,
Paula

MONTE CARLO 2010!!!!!

2010-04-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

PEOPLE. I have been watching tennis, but I have not been blogging! So many other things zap my blogger energy. So I'm going to push myself here and blog even if my brain feels like a corn muffin.

Right now, I am watching six and a half hours of DVRed tennis on fast forward. This is one of those things that make me go "wow, I should be folding laundry" or "wow, I suck" but instead,, I'm laughing heartily at myself (and inner laughing, as in, no real laugh is coming out of my mouth at this exact second) and thinking- "God put me on this planet to do this, to watch tennis on fast forward". Occasionally- I stop. I just stopped and Nadal was crushing some poor not-as-attractive-as-Nadal guy, named De Bakker. That said, De Bakker is a professional athelete and I have no doubt in real life I would walk by him and get aroused. Pro atheletes- even minor league ones- are fucking hot.

What else? It's April and yet I'm still freaked out writing "2010" at the top of this post. I think I have serious issues with the passage of time.

Lots of my tennis blogging would be interspersed with complaining about the many stenches of cat pee and diarreah. Sad to say, both my 17 year old cats who caused Ninety percent of those smells, have passed away. I still have two cats, but both know how to use the litter box and don't have bowel problems. Wow. I have to say though, I just got sad thinking about them, especially Toby, who died very recently. Poor guy. I loved those fucking cats. I'm sad.

OK. Sorry about that downer. I've stopped fast forwarding for one second and landed on- Seppi and Montanes. Montanes is crusing in the third set. I think he looks just like Freddie Mercury!!! I loved Freddy Mercury! I don't know how to spell his name though!!! Queen was a very good rock band.

It's a beautiful Spring day and I'm sitting in my basement, watching sports on a ginormous TV. To my credit, I am sick. In fact, tomorrow, I'm going to get acupuncture for my sickness. Then I will come home and watch tennis.

Also, one of the announcers- the South African- just refered to Nadal's taking advantage of second serves as "wham bam, thank you". And I thought, wow, that's in reference to quick, hard anonymous sex. Hm. Tennis, one nighters in a bathroom in a bar- it all makes sense.

Now I'm watching Murray and Kohlshreiber on fast forward. This could be an interesting match up. And yet, I will not linger on it for long. For one, neither is terribly Spanish. I have seen both up close in Canada, and even if they are not Spanish, they are professional atheletes. I once blogged about why I love the Spanish dudes so much and am going to try and link that old post here. Oh My God! I found it! Read it by clicking here! The goal for today?? Get ALMOST caught up on my tennis watching. That and- I don't know- drink some wine soon? God, I'm so ambitious.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Poor Tsonga

2010-01-29T11:25:00.000-08:00

He just got his ass handed to him.
Something is wrong with him I think. Because he's a better player than that. Maybe he would like me to console him. I am very good at consoling handsome professional athletes. In fact, that may be why God put me on this earth. Tsonga, if you google "poor Tsonga" and find this? Leave a comment with your email or phone number and let's get together. I can do backbends. I'm very cuddly. I'm not a good singer, so I can't sing for you. But, anyway, I'm here for you, man. We could watch the final together and drink if you're into that. Or if not, I can watch the final and drink and you can come over after that, because that is what I am going to do. Then I'll do my backbend for you.

Also, I am 539 in my raquet bracket. That is better than 3000 and something. So, yeah. But it still sucks. Once, Rick Rock was number 6. He got a black T shirt that said Tennis Channel down the sleeves. I am still very envious that he was number 6 and won something because I LOVE TENNIS MORE THAN HIM!!!!!! He loves tennis, too. I know. But I'm just saying.
Sigh.

Yours Truly,
Paula

This Just In

2010-01-27T21:23:00.000-08:00

In case you hadn't heard, there are Chinese women playing tennis. They are from China which is sort of still a Communist country. These Chinese women have coaches from all over the world and when they are in China they train together but they do not playing against one another because they are Chinese. Those Chinese women have funny names because their first name is their last name is their first name and oh ho ho isn't it strange, the way of The Orient. So, to recap, there are Chinese women playing tennis and going deep in the draw. They are from China. In case you hadn't heard.

That's Why She is The Best

2010-01-26T21:58:00.000-08:00

Venus is clearly having some kind of existential crisis about tennis. She's still good enough to make a good run at a tournament but her heart is simply not in it anymore. I can't believe she lost to Na Li. Serena, on the other hand, is a killer and she has clearly invested a lot of time into working on her shot placement and her net game. I wish she could get healthy but she runs so hard on the court I'm not surprised her body is taped like mummy.

The Azarenka Williams match had me confused for a while until I realized Serena simply wanted to challenge herself a bit in preparation for the coming rounds. I find Azarenka a bit annoying. She is so petulant and whiny on the court with her little tantrums. If you're going to act out, go big. The petty displays of frustration are boring.

The third set was one of those sets that demonstrates the brilliance of Serena's game. My throat hurts from yelling so much. To see how her game has evolved over the past several years makes me tingle. The ridiculous commentators (my hatred of whom deserves a post of its own), always used to criticize the Williams sisters for being all power and no finesse. You don't hear them talking that shit anymore.In the third set though, Serena put on a goddamned clinic with those winners on Azarenka's serve and she exuded such confidence. She had second serve aces which you rarely see. Serena confused the hell out of her child opponent. Azarenka, toward the end of the set, could only shrug and smile because she knew that even though she had played quite well, she was outclassed when Serena decided to start playing well. I respect Serena's game. I respect it a whole lot. And I love her unconditionally. I don't know why but I just like everything about her on and off the court. So many of these players demonstrate so little personality. They bore me. Say what you will about Serena, but she is always always interesting.

Wow - Na Li beat Venus Williams?!?

2010-01-26T19:38:00.000-08:00

RR here -

Oh wow I didn't think Na Li would win that. Dang. She played pretty good I guess. Sorrry, I'm a little sleepy. They zoomed in on Na Li's tattoo but we had it on mute - I couldn't tell what it was? Is it Papa Smurf? That was my best guess. Hello Kitty has an evil version, I forget the evil one's name. Just like Hello Kitty except like, all black, and evil. Anyway that's Japanese stuff, I doubt it was even the evil Hello Kitty. Na Li is Chinese, I know that, and probably not into Hello Kitty or any of the members of the Hello Kitty Pantheon. I don't know what it was? Hey Internet, what's Na Li's tattoo? The Internet knows everything....

Still, a decent upset, I feel bad for Venus, but nice to see Na Li, who people generally don't consider a real threat, having a bit of a breakthrough. And Zheng too! Pammy and Carillo talking, and one said "it's the first time to Chinese players are in the semis of a grand slam", and the other said, "I don't think it will be the last!" I forget which. As readers of this blog know, we believe that Mary Carillo is generally drunk. By the way - not a criticism, just an observation. But someone said, Pammy is the real drunk. Well, if so, I say, at least she can hold her liquor. Or something like that.

Now we are watching Azarenka and Serena. I am not fond of Azarenka, despite having many Belorussian friends (for real) and having spent thousands of hours driving a Belorussian tractor as a kid on my Dad's farm. Or maybe that's why I don't like her? No, it's the hollering and the general bad vibes. She seems to have imbibed the Bolliteri kool-aid, be a competitor first, human being a distant second. OK, probably not fair - what the hell do I know? Nothing. But - SHUT UP! I am just annoyed listening to her.

Let me say a couple of quick things about my Racket Bracket - I suck. Hi, I had Soderling in the men's final! And, I had Leni winning the ladies! Oops. I can't even look anymore...

Signing out - RR

Nadal Retires

2010-01-26T16:14:00.001-08:00

Well, I do have in my raquet bracket a Murray/Federer final. But Nadal is my dream boyfriend and favorite in the top ten.

Look how hard he tried to play it out. What a man. He tried, but he doesn't want to really hurt himself....I love him.

Andy played well. I have him losing to the Fed, but it would be exciting if he won it,too. And at this point, my raquet bracket is so screwed I don't really care.

Aaaaaaaaah. Tennis. That said, I stayed up waaaay too late watching tennis last night and facebook chatting with this really cute old friend of mine who lives in LA and so for him, it was three hours earlier. Tonight, NO facebook chatting with cute boys! And staying up late watching tennis! NO no no.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Update: My Raquet Bracket Standings

2010-01-25T12:02:00.000-08:00

Hi People. I am number 1710 in the WTA standings. I have Serena winning against Henin in the final. Perhaps when that happens, my standing will rise. Not sure. I did really crappy in the early rounds.

I am number 3149, I think, I'm not completely sure, in the ATP standings, as I cannot read my own handwriting precisely and I wrote down my standings on a piece of paper. The guy who is number one right now had 75 comments on his entry. He has Davydenko winning the whole thing, Roddick beating Nadal...some risky picks. He may be going down. I will say I'm super impressed with how well he called the early rounds. He should hang out with me. We could hang out and talk tennis. And watch tennis!

The Serena match was quick. It was not that thrilling- too bad. Stosur can play better than that. And now I am watching Federer demolish Hewitt. Again, not exciting. Oh well. Maybe later there will be some excitement.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Mary Carillo Is Drunk

2010-01-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

Now, I had this short discussion once on facebook about Carillo being drunk and this other person claimed that Pam Shriver was the real drunk. But here are three drunken things that have transpired in the past hour of watching Venus and Schiavone- one, Mary said, "Another break!" when Venus held. There was no break. And then, "two points away from the quarterfinals!", and then, "I mean two games." And then- just called Verdasco Gonzalez. It's a little quiet in the booth now. Mary Jo is trying to keep it together and professional. But!-- it's hard with Mary in the booth.

Here's the deal- drinking and watching sports is fucking fun. But I wish we could be honest and not pretend about professionals and shit. I wish Mary was like, "haha, I'm so wasted", and then like, chest bump Mary Jo. Then, we'd watch them wrastle and Carillo's lesbian tendencies would get the better of her and she'd pin down Mary Jo and like, lick her face. That would be good tennis commentary. It would be more honest.

Oh, and I just found this on pophangover. Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks she likes the ladies and that she's - insane. I just watched that whole video and - I am at a loss of words. WTF?

Also found on pophangover, some pretty pictures of tennis players. Check it out.

The Italian Stallion, Schiavone, is losing. I'm sort of sad. I love how Italian she is, and how dykey. Let's give her this- she made a good match of it. So good for her.

Yours Truly,
Paula

I Am Watching Tennis and Blowing My Nose

2010-01-24T12:05:00.000-08:00

HELLO! I have a sinus infection. But! There is tennis. And after tennis, there will be football. And after football, there will be more tennis. Then I will sleep. Then I will wake and watch- more tennis! And then- well, I'll blow my nose a lot. Maybe get some acupuncture for my sinus. The shit really works, I swear to you.

Some observations. I like the Kuzerator more than Petrova so Petrova's win over her made me sad. That said, I liked Petrova's pinkish Ellesse dress, or however you spell it. The Kimmy loss to Petrova was - well- I didn't understand it. It was like I was underwater and couldn't see what was going on. It was like a different universe and suddenly tennis players were Martians and the whole world was foreign and made no sense.

Right now, I'm watching Cilic and Delpo. Two tall men. I have nothing against Cilic, but Delpo is Argentine and as everyone knows, I love Argentina. That said, this match feels a little low energy. But maybe it's my fault as my brain is moving toward football.

Yours Truly,
Paula

I Am Watching the Australian Open

2010-01-23T09:33:00.000-08:00

I've been watching lots of tennis and not blogging enough. I feel badly about that. Right now, I'm watching Tommy Haas play Tsonga. Here are some observations: Tommy Haas, so far, is not behaving like a raving anal retentive German princess. Usually, that is how he behaves. Frankly, he looks like he might be on Ativan. I love Ativan. Or Benadryl. Maybe he is on benadryl. Even though Benadryl is for allergies, it does get you nice and stoned and therefore, sometimes I take it even if my allergies aren't acting up. Also? Evertime the announcers says "Hisense Arena" I think they say "Hi Serena" and are talking about Serena Williams. That is not the case. They are not saying hi to Serena. They are saying "Hisense Arena" which is a the name of a tennis stadium.

I'm watching Haas getting rubbed down. He's lying down on the tennis court and this man, the physio, has one hand on Haas's fine, round, muscular ass. The other hand is rubbing his naked back. I think I might go touch myself now.

The Beeg--Brad Gilbert--intimated that Baghdatis, who retired against Hewitt, is really fucking hungover. This is a possibility. He's a fun loving guy. One of my best friends is Greek, and she can party like no other. It's a gift. The Greeks are gifted partiers.

OK. It's later now.
Who is this blonde lady sitting in the booth or whatever you call it, and talking about tennis? She's not Australian. She's American. I am glad she's not Mary Carillo, but she looks high as a kite. Now some man named Tom Rinaldi is talking. I have no idea who he is, either. But he's not as high as the blonde lady. At first, I thought the blond lady- and I will put her name here eventually--OK, it's Chris McKendry, thanks to Rick Rock whose mind works a lot better than mine--might just be overly botoxed so that's why she looks so wierd and high. But it's not just botox. Because botox doesn't make your eyes all glassy and make you talk like you might have a very low IQ.

Man, I should be a tennis commentator on the Telly. I'd be HONESTLY high and not pretending to be professional and shit.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Pink is Such a Pretty Color

2010-01-19T22:25:00.001-08:00

It is early yet in the Australian Open but I am glad that the tennis season is back in full swing with the first major of the year. I only have two observations right now. Andy Roddick's little fight over the bad call was amusing and yet another example of how it is different for boys. Also, I love that the ball boys and girls are wearing pink shirts and pink hats. I think that is really pretty.

Big John Champ

2010-01-17T19:12:00.000-08:00

Hey people, Rowan here. The Auckland tennis swing is all wrapped up.

Big John Isner is the Heineken Open champ! Of course he didn’t do it the easy way, beating super chic Arnaud Clement 63 57 76. Three sets, that’s three different bandanas for Clement, gotta love it. John had to fight in his final service game, saved a match point even, but once it got to the tiebreak he turned it up and dominated. Isner played four tiebreaks this week and he won all of them, that’s good stuff.

And a Kiwi won the doubles! Young Marcus Daniel and new Romanian BFF Horia Tecau beat the Brazilian tag team of Melo and Soares to win the titles. This is the biggest success that a male New Zealand player has had in a long time, so hooray for that. Our top girl Marina Erakovic is all healed up from her injury last year too, so hopefully she can get back in the top 100 real soon. She’s got Li Na in the first round of the Australian Open, tricky.

Hope you all enjoyed the Auckland goss, it was a good two weeks over here. Here’s hoping the new season blows all our minds. Two thousand and when? Two thousand and ten! Aw yeah.

I Am Really Hungover and Watching Tennis

2010-01-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

"My brain hurts a lot". That quote comes from David Bowie. He wrote a song called "Five Years" that I like a lot. He wrote many good songs. He always struck me as gay so I got a little confused when he married that Ethiopian supermodel even though I know he had a wife before her too who I think was named Angie. Angie Bowie. Anyway, I like David Bowie's music and right now that line "my brain hurts a lot" from that song, "Five Years", is deeply meaningful and resonant to me. Because, well, my brain hurts a lot. Sometimes, or most of the time, watching tennis makes my brain hurt less. Right now, I am watching Leni, as we like to call her, and Azarenka, as I like to call her, play tennis. Yesterday, I watched Serena's fucking unbelievable comeback against Rezai, who had the match on her raquet and was actually OUTHITTING Serena and then she lost. Anyhoo- tennis usually helps my brain problems, also known as (shh! don't tell!) hangovers. So far though, it's not helping. But! It's still only 4/2 (go Leni! What is up with that crazy mint green Yonex outfit?! I love you no matter what. I would like to be you. If I were you, for instance, I would not be hungover! I would be a rich, professional athlete! That would be better than being hungover. I love you, Leni.). Not sure about my punctuation there in that last sentence--too many periods? How would I know? My brain hurts a lot. OK, I think pizza may be a necessary part of the cure for today. Tennis alone is not enough. Also, I think I may take an alka seltzer. Thank you for reading my blog.

Yours truly,
Paula

Heineken Open

2010-01-14T03:29:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! Rowan here, with the haps from the first couple of days at the Heineken Open in Auckland.

David Nalbandian withdrew with an abdominal injury! Sucks!

Juan Carlos Ferrero rolled his ankle and had to retire! Sucks!

Aside from those disappointments, it’s been a fun week of tennis so far. Oh, the Bryan brothers lost in the first round too, but at least they got some decent TV time. And Nalbandian did get to have his MRI at Auckland Hospital, that’s something.

I said it last year and I’ll say it again this year – John Isner is a tall son of a gun. And he’s into the semifinals, after he beat top seed Tommy Robredo in a three set thriller today. In fact all Isner’s matches this week have gone three sets, with a lot of tiebreaks of course. Why do things the easy way?

Isner will face Spanish dude Albert Montanes tomorrow for a spot in the final. Montanes is a regular Auckland visitor who won two titles on clay last year but has never done very well on hard courts. So it’s been a great week for him, and he does seem pretty stoked. Sure, he’s had a piece of cake draw – he beat a qualifier, then a Kiwi wildcard, then another qualifier, not a top 200er among them – but dammit, he still had to make sure he ate that piece of cake without choking on it. And choke he did not, so good on you Albert. But you have to like Big John’s chances to make the final, and maybe even take his first ATP title.

In the other semi tomorrow Philipp Kohlschreiber and his sweet one-handed backhand take on Arnaud Clement and his colourful bandanas. You have to be pretty cool to wear sunglasses at night, and that’s exactly what Clement did when he took out David Ferrer yesterday. I’m picking an Isner-Kohlschreiber final though.

Oh, and Sebastien Grosjean was super cool. He won his first round match in three stylish sets, then lost to Jurgen Melzer in a third set tiebreak the next day, exciting tennis all the way. I hope he can have a good comeback.

Wicky Is Dope

2010-01-10T03:29:00.000-08:00

Rowan here, blogging from Auckland some more.

Yanina Wickmayer won the final yesterday! Flavia just couldn’t quite put it together like she had in previous rounds, and Wicky played pretty well. Not bad for a girl who was banned for 12 months a couple of weeks ago. Maybe it’s the start of a big year for her. The winner of the ASB Classic got a new variety of New Zealand flower named after her, so there were red flowers all around centre court which are now called Yanina Floweralus or something. I was trying to think of a WTA player with a really horrible name, so I could make a joke about it being a good thing she didn’t win this week, but I can’t think of one, so I won’t.

Meanwhile the draw has come out for Auckland's ATP tournament the Heineken Open, starting tomorrow tennis fans, and it is nuts. Our two hopeless New Zealand male players have drawn each other in the first round, so for the first time in about a million years we’re going to have a Kiwi in the second round. David Nalbandian has got 2008 champ Philipp Kohlschreiber in the first round, which is a tough draw for both of them. And the good news is Nalby managed to get in on his own ranking, so we got a third wildcard, which has gone to Sebastien Grosjean of all people. I didn’t know that dude was still playing. It will be cool to see him though. He’s got style.

Flavia Flav!

2010-01-07T23:47:00.000-08:00

Rowan here, with more observations from the ASB Classic in Auckland.

Battle of the controversial stars today as Protest Target Shahar Peer took on Drug Scandal Queen Yanina Wickmayer. Wicky got the job done in two tight sets, and a couple of protesters got arrested for the second day running. I don’t even have an opinion.

Extra observation: Yanina Wickmayer is tanned like Hulk Hogan. The girl is bronze. I am impressed.

I was happy that Alize Cornet and her nose got to the quarterfinals. I thought she had forgotten how to win last year. One of the highlights of the week was seeing Alize react to a foot fault call from a line judge. She’s so French I can’t stand it.

Francesca Schiavone is funny. She looks like a bit of a badass too, the way she talks and the way she carries herself. Kind of a laid back badass, like Bruce Willis. I keep expecting her to light up a cigarette whenever I see her.

So it’s the final tomorrow! Top seed Flavia Penetta vs third seed Wickmayer. Neither woman has lost a set yet, but Flavia Flav (yeah boyeeeee) has looked so strong the whole week I’d say she is the big favourite. She really does hit a very good ball. Flavia used to go out with Carlos Moya, until he cheated on her, the dork. It’s impossible to stay mad at Carlos Moya for very long though.

Observations

2010-01-05T03:50:00.000-08:00

Rowan here! Some observations from the first two days of the ASB Classic in Auckland:

Yanina Wickmayer did indeed beat Gorgeous Goerges in her first round match. This isn’t really an observation, I just wanted to say Gorgeous Goerges. Shout out to all you old school wrestling fans out there.

Maria Kirilenko needs her frilly Stella McCartney dresses back. Kiri looked almost plain in her regular Adidas duds tonight. Hot plain, but still, she used to rock those Stella outfits.

Alize Cornet beat Kiwi Marina Erakovic in their first round match, which was a bit tragic. Mixed emotions for me as I am awfully fond of Alize. Must be the nose I guess.

Sania Mirza impressed me with her fighting spirit today. She got broken by Stefanie Vogele in the final set of their first round match a bunch of times, but she kept coming back and won it 75 in the end. I didn’t know she had it in her. A billion fans can’t be wrong.

Annoying people protested Shahar Peer again about Israel stuff. She won her match in straights, just to stick it to’em. There was a bomb scare this morning too, but the events were unrelated. We Auckland tennis fans just like to leave our bags unattended. We’re laidback like that.

Big Things Poppin

2010-01-03T03:48:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody! Rowan here. Hope the off season has treated you all well.

Just wanted to give everyone the heads up that the ASB Classic, Auckland’s very own WTA tournament, will be starting tomorrow. I’m gonna be there, and I’ll totally be dropping in on the blog with thoughts and goss and stuff as the week goes on.

It’s a pretty good line up for the Classic this year, with a bunch of players that I haven’t seen before, like Flavia Penetta, Li Na/Na Li, Anna Chakvetadze and Alize Cornet. And old favourites like Maria Kirilenko are in town too. They’re gonna make us wait for Kiri, but it still looks like a good day of action tomorrow. Yanina Wickmayer, who was banned for a while but isn’t anymore, will be first up on centre court. She’s got to be a little mad about the whole ban thing, so what better way to prove herself than to get the season started with a real tennis beatdown? Julia Goerges better cover up.

Del Potro defeats Roger Federer!!!!!

2009-09-14T13:20:00.001-07:00

Well, as per usual, I am sort of sad that the end is here. After this match, what the hell am I going to do with myself? Clean up dead birds? I hate it when a grand slam ends. The only thing good about a grand slam ending is that I will no longer have to listen to Mary Carillo. I'll miss Johnny Mac, though. He's a fave around here.

Is Del Potro going to tighten up? Federer has a 6/0 head to head with Delpo. Hmm. But Delpo is young and getting better every day. So maybe he'll make a match of it? Not yet. But, hey, it's only the second game!

CONTRAVERSY!!!!! Just kidding. I think there was something on the court. So a replay is called for. Man, that little "whoaa" moment woke me up. I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine now.

Well, as this match isn't so thrilling, I'm going to talk about myself for a minute. I am now 258 in the racquet bracket. This is down from THREE. This is because Andy Murray is a bad man and didn't make it to final. I do have Fed winning so I'll get some points, but I think I am out of the running for a T-shirt.

Also, RR and I were talking about trying to be the absolute LAST place, you know, purposefully? Just for the heck of it. And what made me think of that is I accidentally checked my racquet bracket for the Aussie Open- and I was 5008 out of around 6000. That's really really bad. But I can't remember if I did it on purpose- wait, I lie- I didn't do it on purpose. Sigh.

Oh - now it's good all of a sudden! Delpo woke up? I woke up, too. Maybe he sensed I opened a nice bottle of Rose from Provence and thought, "I gotta enterain this lady." Thank, Delpo, for thinking of me.

Oh WOW! Delpo is up a minibreak. I'm excited. Also, I'm feeling a bit itchy (fleas..I gotta bomb this house this week). He's got a set point! Oh man, that looked like one of my overheads! I suck at overheads. OK, now he a set point on his serve. This could be fun! I'm ordering sushi tonight! I'm really in the mood for a five setter. YEAH! Go Delpo!

What's this about a Lexus? Have I missed this the whole tournament? That's a sweet looking car.

OK, old dudes and their young wives. Gavin and Gwen! I like them. shit, I wish I could get away with that lipstick color. She's awesome- I love her.

WOW! The break! Delpo is looking like he believes! And Fed looks- ruffled. That is the word that I think best describes Fed when he gets off his game.

The shit word! not as beautiful as the fuck word, but hey. The challenge system is flawed, that may be the only smart thing that has ever come out of Carillo's mouth. It should just BE, IMO. As in, get rid of line judges. Otherwise, someone needs to kidnap her and make her go away. Maybe she'd make a good- PTA president?- or something like that? But get her off tennis commentary.

OK, Delpo is swinging like a crazy man. He's making it sometimes...but it's a little remiscient of Gonzo before Stepanki taught him a thing or two.

THE BREAK! Oh man, I am sooooo in the mood for a five setter! I'm hanging out on Tennis X (click here)- because it's so lively and so far none of the scary nutty people who do hang there are there! So it's fun!!! Come join.

OK, now I'm behind because I had to get food. But Fed just broke back. Not so surprising.

WOW! What a match! Fed really started playing badly but all credit to DELPO!!! An Argentine!!!! I'm so happy. I love tennis.

Yours Truly,
Paula

The Williams Sisters Defeat Black and Huber

2009-09-14T12:33:00.001-07:00

Well that was quick. I got to watch the whole thing before making a ham sandwich, because it was like "boom", it's over.

I find watching womens' doubles alarming. I don't feel that way about the mens, oddly. I just feel that the women- all of them - go right at each other! I wince a lot.

I will say it was great to see Serena get such great crowd support. Her fans are the real thing. In fact, I was invited to join a group on facebook called "shut the fuck up if you don't love everything about Serena Williams".

OK, countdown to the men's final! I like both the players...I'll be drinking wine and blogging! (Although I'm doing this from my sons' room because RR has still not cleaned up the dead bird in the living room.)

Yours Truly,
Paula

Kanye and Serena

2009-09-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

Rowan here, quick post!

So cool that Paula and family went to the VMAs! I am jealous. I love it when Kanye behaves badly, I can't help it. The man is great. Serena is great too, I don't think she deserved what happened. She and Kanye should collaborate.

I'm a big Fedophile, but wouldn't it be cool if Del Potro wins the US Open tomorrow and does the most epic cross himself and kiss the heavens thing ever? I would like to see that.

Serena at the VMAs!!

2009-09-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

People! It is really late. We are just getting back from the MTV Video Music Awards where Serena showed up! ( We thought she would!) Regardless of how tired I am, I feel the need to say a few things of last nights semi and - yeah. I normally make all sort of jokes- we all know there is plenty of straight commentary- but here it is. Here's a response to Danny and just my words on this debacle-

A player cannot challenge a foot fault. The camera for challenges only follows the ball. That said- I truly believe that getting rid of the foot fault is not possible- there must be a line drawn for where a player lands his/her foot. That said! It doesn't need to be a FAULT. It should be- and this after much discussion with RR and myself- it should be A LET! That's right, a let. Like when the ball during a serve hits the top of the net. It IS a dumb call. But we can't get rid of the line for the foot to land. BUT IT SHOULD NOT BE A FAULT. This is our assesment. Larry Scott and other asswipes who make the rules - take note.

Now, as this blog is also a blog the lets you all into the homes and hearts of tennis watchers- we came home and there is a dead bird spread all over our house. Literally. We are grossed out. It's a dead bird -still warm-- spread out all over our house. We had fun at the Video Music Awards, but a bad coming home moment. Really, really gross.

We just got back from the VMAs! Serena was there!

More soon.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Satan, Thy Name is Mary

2009-09-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

I hate Mary Carillo. She cannot even bother to hide her hatred of the Williams sisters. Serena made a big mistake last night losing control, but the way Carillo is calling for her head is unprofessional and truly distasteful. Meanwhile, Serena is at the VMAs tonight. AWESOME!

In other news, I loved the women's final. Clijsters played a fabulous game with some killer winners right down the line. I was really impressed. I can't wait to see her play again. But can we at least acknowledge that the way people are fawning over her motherhood like she's Jesus's mother a bit much?

Are You SERIOUS?

2009-09-12T20:46:00.001-07:00

I have been watching tennis since I was a little kid and I have never seen a debacle like the end of the Clijsters v. Williams match.

Clijsters played a wonderful match and no one can take that from her. The way she dismantled Serena's impressive serve was, well, impressive. I'm fairly certain Kim is going to wipe the court with Wozniacki tomorrow night. Serena and Kim will definitely meet again. I'm excited for women's tennis next year.

Still. If I were Serena, and a foot fault was called on me at that point in the set when she was already down 15-30, I too would have told the linesperson I was going to shove the racket down her fucking throat. I would have likely said some other impolite things as well. Tennis players behave badly on court all the time. I'm baffled as to why the officials chose to use the US Open semifinals as a forum for making an example. I think this is going to turn into a big hot mess come Monday (seeing how there was NO foot fault) and I also think if it were one of the popular players on tour who had behaved badly, the point penalty would not have been assessed.

Still, my favorite part of the match was watching the press conference afterward when Serena was trying to be calm and mature. It was definitely an award-winning performance. I particularly appreciate that she acknowledged how well Kim had played and that she was defiant and not too apologetic about her conduct. I love her even more today than I did yesterday. Bitch is fierce.

Serena defaults against Kimmy - WHA?

2009-09-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

RR here -

Whoa what just happened? We had a match. That was wrong. Yeah foot fault code violation whatever, that was not the way for that match to end. It's a big shame. Maybe Kim would have broken, maybe not and the match goes on, maybe Serena digs it out - we'll never know. That was wrong.

Give the chair more discretion, avoid messed up legalistic moments like this.

RR out

Gonzo Tanking?- Nadal Bagels Gonzo

2009-09-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

It is illegal (in Tennsilandia) to tank a match. I think Gonzo is tanking. I sort of wish that there was more complaining about it from the people talking, meaning Johnny Mac. Hm.

OR! The other real possibility is he's serious injured- those foot wrapping things looked pretty intense. It's very possible his movement is seriously hampered. Now, all of a sudden, I'm feeling sorry for him. They just showed his dad in the audience.

HEY! I was courtside at Nadal-Gonzalez tonight!

2009-09-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

RR Here - I was at the Open again, more tickets through my jobs, and they were good ones! Paula super-generously let Rockyroad go in her place - this was before we knew how awesome the tickets were! So it was me and my boy 3 rows in, in the corner, on the chair side, on the broadcast booth side! We don't accept big money corporate sponsorships here on Must Watch Tennis, as that would compromise our integrity, so I can't mention who gave us the tickets, but, thanks guys!

Anyway I finally remembered the camera - or rather Paula remembered it to me. Here's a picture of Gonzo, on the left.

And here is a picture of Rafa - yes I caught him right in mid butt-pick:

I am trying my best to make this layout nice or at least not completely messed up. Maybe unsuccessfully.

We left after the first rain delay. It really didn't look like it was going to stop And it did for just a bit, but awesome as it was being so close I have no regrets - we couldn't have made a crazy late night of it. Anyway they only played a few more games, and have stopped again. I think that's it for the night,

Here's another pic of Rafa, looking rough and tough whilst toweling off. Rockyroad knew a bunch of the ball/towel boys, from being at the USTA camp - instructors and so on there. he knew this guy holding the towel.

By the way Reggie Molina was sitting right in front of us. I don't know who he is, but I think a ball player for the Yankees maybe? I should look it up. Anyway everyone else was like "holy crap!". For all I know we were surrounded by reality show stars - I have no idea.

A couple more pics - Here is the Beeg, stepping out right when the rain started and saying... something? I don't know what he said!

I'm going to make an observation about the actual match. Nowhere near the hard-hitting we saw with Nadal and Monfils. Obviously, super hard hitting from Gonzo, but Nadal I feel mainly pushing the ball back. Partly because he has an injury, but I also feel like it was a tactic. Particularly the first set tiebreak - he was spinning balls back short and daring Gonzo to whack the shit out of them. Which he did. Gonzo had at least 3 if not 4 long balls in that tiebreak, in my opinion provoked by Rafa, and it made the difference. Crafty!

One other note - being courtside in Arthur Ashe, there is really a lot of noise and distraction. For example, me, taking pictures and saying "oh my god this is so amazing!" every 30 seconds. I am amazed these guys can stay focused.

Here is one more pic of the booth - you can see Johnny Mac and I am not sure who is with him - was it Patrick? Can't quite tell.

Anyway it was an amazing experience. We have been courtside at matches before, but it is a different thing night time at the Open. Super fun. Wish the weather had held, but hey.

Looks like the match is really done for the night, and tomorrow is supposed to be a pile of rain too. Boo!

RR out

Del Potro Defeats Cilic and- I'M NUMBER THREE

2009-09-10T15:13:00.000-07:00

Well, after the first set, to which I actually paid attention, I am sort of surprised to see Del Potro rolling here in the fourth. It was sort of a fun match- two youngish guys. Two tall dudes.

Rick Rock and Rockytoad are on their way now, to watch Nadal and Gonzo, live! It's supposed to rain, but I have my fingers crossed for them. I'm staying home and feeding Cheesewad- what else? --pizza. I'm glued to the TV though and super excited to watch Nadal and Gonzo. Now, I don't know their head to head (although I could look it up and will- just checked it's 6/3 Nadal, see for yourself by clicking here) but I wonder if Nadal is just going to plow through him. It should be an awesome display of hitting. And the Chilean fans are NUTS. They always make things exciting. Also, Gonzo is sort of a dick, so that has it's entertainment value as well.

Also, last I looked? I was number SEVEN in The Tennis Channel's raquet bracket!!!! Rick Rock? He was 1450!!! HAHAHA! Sorry. I'm mean to him sometimes. Honestly? I filled it out all cold hearted and seriouslike. He probably listened to his heart. I have done that before, and then I end up number 1450. I felt like winning a T-shirt this time. (RR once won a T-shirt.)

OH MY GOD! I just re-checked! I AM NUMBER THREE!!!!!! Oh man. I...I might cry.

More soon!!!

Yours Truly,
Paula

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROWAN!!!!!!!

2009-09-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Rowan!! I know it's a very different time in New Zealand, so you are asleep or out for dinner or something very different than being sort of ill from too much coffee first thing in the morning (that would be me), but happy birthday, man. I'm super grateful to have you on board here at Must Watch Tennis All The Time.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Drinking Their Blood Will Not Make You Young

2009-09-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

Tennis commentators for the most part are old and crusty. They are often has beens, save for John McEnroe who is a flawed individual but is and always will be a tennis legend. These old and crusty people are obsessed with youth and so we, as an audience, have to forgive them for their relentless coverage of the 17 year old American and the 19 year old Dane who are both just so pretty and just how much Oudin's life has changed.

Guess what? They play tennis too.

The first set was all about nerves. Neither woman played particularly well but Wozniacki was consistent and against a young player on Center Court for the first time, consistency is all you need.

The second set, we're starting to see some actual tennis. With this match, it really will come down to who wants it more.

And now the commentators are obsessed with Oudin's practice habits and again, Mary Carillo and her "Teenagers." You just know she wants to slice open one of Oudin's veins, and take a hearty sip of that teenager blood. Sadly, it will not make her any younger.

Oudin is fired up now after the weird stoppage of play over the line call. She hit a fierce winner. Wozniacki is getting flustered. I love when she tried to wail on the ball and right into the net that ball went. This match is about to get real good, if we're lucky. And Oudin gives up a brilliant drop shot. Nice.

Sadly, Oudin couldn't get it going in the end. I look forward to see what she's going to do next.

That was fairly classless how Shriver basically insulted Wickmayer and dismissed her as a nobody. Excuse me, but she is in the semi-finals of a major. God. These people.

That interview with Oudin, at the end, was awkward. That poor kid just wanted to go to the locker room and cry it out and maybe have a tantrum. But no. Pam Shriver was all up in her face asking Melanie stupid questions. If that were me, I'd be measuring Shriver's rectum to see how well it might accommodate the girth of the microphone.

I'm going to be reading about feminism and modernism during the Federer Soderling match. Federer bores me. He's all perfect perfect perfect, dimpled smile, perfect perfect perfect. I'm over it.

Oudin v. the Woz (Dane) - Rage Against the Machine!

2009-09-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

RR Here -

I just think the Oudin story is so amazing. That a little girl from Georgia could get a wild card into the Open, win, win again, get into the Quarters, and then on top of it become President of the United States! The first 17 year old in history! It's just incredible. We had change we could Believe in, but this, people, is big bucks.

It's no accident. She already has 3 interns from Harvard working on her account at IMG. One is working on the book deal for her memoir - "I Believe I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass at Tennis, Bitch: How a Little Girl from Georgia Won Big and Scored an Awesome Rep Deal With the Best Sports Agency in the World, and Then Got A Sweet Endorsement Deal". Harvard Boy number two's job is to order up the "Believe" T-shirts and give them out to the team, family members, fans, strangers, homeless people, the Mexican hijackers in case the get on the news while being executed, etc. Harvard Boy number three's job is to say "Oh My God! I'm so excited!" over and over to the other two to keep them pumped up. Trademarking the word "Believe" was a highly worthwhile investment.

Oudin just lost the first set. She's got the Woz just where she wants her... I "believe" the script calls for some diving later, let's see if she comes up with it...

People I am just having fun - she's playing great tennis and she is a cute kid. It's just the rumblings of the machine kicking into gear that makes me feel weird.

Rockyroad is out watching "District 9" with a friend. The machine kicking into gear made me think of when the giant spaceship finally roars to life! That is what's happening at IMG right now - the alien dudes there (see P's awesome alien post! They are everywhere!) are revving up the kickass alien PR machine, strapping into the giant PR ass-kicking alien whoopass suit, eating some cat food and YEAH!

All right Melanie - time to come back now girl! America needs a hero!

RR out and getting back on his meds - cheers!

Melanie Oudin in the Quarterfinals

2009-09-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

It's 3/1 in the first set. The Dane Woz (as opposed to the Canadian one) is up a break. Now, when they did that "right before you go out on court" interview, which, if I were a tennis player, I would start a PAC to discontinue, Melanie looked SOOO nervous. Now, the Woz in no greater an opponent than Petrova, Dementieva and that other person she beat (sorry - cocktail hour-oh, hahaha!, Maria Sharapova!)- but a Quarterfinal is decidedly different. And every day, with every win, poor Melanie gets more and more pressure and stupidity piled on her. By stupidity- well, RR will elaborate on that, as he is better at taking down the man, being closer to the land of "the man."

Anyway, it's just the beginning! More soon.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Yanina Wickmayer defeats Katerina Bondarenko

2009-09-09T12:16:00.000-07:00

Some brief comments on tennis and related things (which is everything):

I like the way they make a "story" out of everything on ESPN. Like, instead of Wickmayer being a young tennis player, they do all this humanizing and personal story stuff. Remember when they did that about Maria Sharapova? "They came from Siberia, with 500 dollars to thier name...Maria was only seven..." That story got dropped ages ago, but there was a time where it WAS NON-STOP. I turned off the volume when Bud Collins came out. I feel sorry for him, sort of, but he makes me grab my head and moan, too. I actually liked Wickmayer's tomboyish vibe- her shorts, her lankiness. We here also find both Bondarenko ladies interesting. So, I was like, eh, who cares- both these chicks are cool in thier own way. So it was hard to get fired up. Bondarenko has the rad tat and the pierced nose- I like the bad girl vibe. And - as mentioned- I love Wickmayer's tomboy thingy.

We were at the Nadal/Monfils match last night!!! It was amazing to watch those two rally live as opposed to on TV- it's no comparison. On TV, it's like two people playing really great tennis. But not live, wierdly, which is where you are actually in front of "real" people. It's not tennis to me live like that- it's some strange super human phenomena that scientists have yet to explain. It's abnormal! It's like they look like human beings but really they are aliens from the planet of badasssports. And then I got to thinking, maybe those scientologists are right?! We are ALL aliens, but only certain people have figured it out??? Or something? Just a thought. I mean, Tom Cruise makes alien amounts of money...hm. Aliens. And speaking of Tom Cruise and aliens and tennis, Nicole Kidman was in the audience! They showed her on the big TV screen. I winced. She looks like an alien! Her face is giinormous and martiany glowing and white and her features made me think of those Mr. Potato toys I once loved! Oh MY GOD. We are aliens, just some of us more obviously than others? I'm going to think about this more at cocktail hour.

I left right when it ended (babysitter!) so did not witness the guy coming and hugging Rafa. I will say that Nadal is soooo sweet and handled it well but NO ONE should get on the court and touch a player! It's twice this year now this has happened and it's inexcusable. Security MUST be better. Nadal is being naive...it was a bad scary thing to happen. I love him, but I'm mad at the security people. Really mad. Also, on the ESPN thread, they talk about how "gay" it was. My immediate reaction was "people are idiots". And then a more refined idea came to mind- "people don't know about Spanish culture- it's not nearly as uptight about contact between men."

OK! Speaking of Spanish culture! VERDASCO is coming up....oh yeah.

Yours Truly,
Paula

They Call Them Guns for a Reason

2009-09-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

I am an unabashed Serena Williams fan. I know there are weaknesses in her game (not really) and that she should play more (eh, not really) but I think she is exceptional.

When I watch her playing, I understand why people refer to arms as guns. When she unleashes her serve, she's sending a bullet right down the line and that bullet has a name on it. She shoots to kill. Her forehand, when it's on, is all the way on. She is a weapon and love her or hate her, you have to respect her serve, its power and its consistency.

This Williams v. Pennetta match is really interesting. Both ladies are showing sophisticated play. I like that Serena is thinking about her shots and in the second set she's really intense. She wants this win. When she shouts, "Come on!!!!" I get so damn pumped. I say it too, only I'm sitting in my living room so it doesn't have the same impact and I get strange looks.

Unlike many of Serena's other matches this year, Pennetta is forcing Williams into really long rallies and both players are giving us a clinic on shot selection. That lob Pennetta dropped which Serena applauded was classy business. I wish I could hit a shot like that. Sadly, the only way that would happen would be if I were flying above the court and dropped the ball from the sky.

Serena is hammering away at those balls. The definition in her arms makes me sick.

I like Pennetta. She has spunk. She held her own throughout the match. She should hold her head high.

The last point of the match was exceptional. Pennetta has my utmost respect. She did not give up. She fought hard and hit some elegant shots. I like that she didn't just bend over. She believed she could win, even at the very end. Case in point. The last serve at 40-15, was a nearly unreachable serve wide in the corner and Pennetta not only got it but sustained a rally. Every time Serena thought she had hit a winner, Pennetta had a solid answer.

I love when players start cursing at themselves because they don't know what to else to do. That's the thing about tennis. You're out there alone. Even surrounded by thousands of people, when you're down a break, your legs are heavy, your body drenched in sweat, center court must be the loneliest place in the world. That's why tennis is the greatest game in the world.

The Feel-Good Story of the Open - Yes, I'm Talking About Wickmayer

2009-09-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

RR here -

I know, the coverage has been non-stop to the point of being annoying, but I have to join in. I am that excited. That's right, I'm talking about Wickmayer's big breakthrough at the '09 US Open. Into the quarters. I know - seems like big news, and the tennis world is all abuzz, but we tennis insiders have seen this coming for a long time. Ever since the rumors first emerged about Henin having her brain transplanted into a 6' body and making a comeback... an amazing sacrifice by Wickmayer to offer her body up for this amazing scientennific experiment. What?

Other matches... Soderling advances... which is good for my racket bracket. But will he just roll around on the ground and expose his vulnerable parts for Federer like he did at the French? Or will he growl and bare his teeth and make his fur stand up and so on? I have no idea.

Alona Bondarenko absolutely bagelizing Dulko... wait no! NO! Not Alona - Kateryna. (Thanks comment person!) Dulko is my girlfriend so I am sad. I saw Kateryna, Alona's sister (or Alona is Kateryna's sister?) upset Ivanovic last week. Go sisters! Sisters working it out outrageously! There's a third Bondarenko sister too. Look for the new series, "Those Bondarenko Girls", on the WB. We saw Alona walking around the grounds last year, with like 3 serious boy toys in tow. (Note from Paula- three SERIOUS boy toys in tow- it was impressive!) Pretty girl. Size 12 feet (men's) at least. Foot people take note. Don't know so much about Kateryna, except she looked like a super jock and had a rad tat on her back.

We didn't get to see Verdasco/Isner. We were hanging out with Cal Redmond, our favorite pro from Total Tennis, at his joint. He's a photographer and a tennis genius. We played tennis today. The whole family. A rare occasion for Rockytoad and Cheesewad to get a piece of Mom and Dad. They were like wolves tearing at a crippled moose. Little savages. Sorry I am not making much sense tonight. Anyway Cal was awesome - he yelled at us awesomely until we did better tennis. Then, he made us nachos. Our kids hung with his beautiful children and we hung with him and his lovely wife Iris. A great evening.

I am done - tomorrow we are going to the night session.

RR out

Even Pretty Girls Sometimes Wear Ugly Dresses

2009-09-07T17:35:00.001-07:00

I'm the first person to admit I enjoy the asthetics of tennis as I much as I enjoy the play. For example, Oudin's shoes are fabulous. I want them, but alas, I have big feet. It's a curse.

It is easy to focus more on the aesthetics during lackluster matches like Wozniacki vs. Kuznetsova. First, say that three times without tripping over your tongue.

There's not much to discuss about the first set. It was pretty sad and boring. I have always wanted to like Wozniacki. She has an odd little game... while relatively she's a solid player, she seems rather milquetoast on the court. She's very pretty but she doesn't garner the attention of say, a Kournikova. She's talented, but not as talented as many other women on tour. I generally forget she's even playing until her name appears at the bottom of the screen during a match. Kuznetsova is another interesting player. She has a lot of game but she lacks flair. She's a severe looking lady on the court which is odd, because when you see pictures of her out and about, she looks much nicer and by nicer I mean friendlier. I'd be frightened standing across the net from Kuznetsova. What's really interesting about her is when she loses mental focus, she loses it completely and struggles to get it back. For a player of her caliber, she allows herself to be derailed far too easily (as if I could even hit one ball with her). Her thighs are exceptional.

Rules violation in the second set. Coaching! Awesome! When is the WTA going to get over the sideline coaching thing? So many coaches are doing it and its an open secret and pretending it isn't going on just makes matters more awkward than they need be.

The second set was more interesting. The play was more consistent until it wasn't. Kuznetsova hit some killer winners when Wozniacki was serving at 5-4.

Do we want to talk about the fact ESPN 2 is spelling Wozniacki's name two different ways, on the screen at the same time? That is awkward too.

Seriously though. Wozniacki's dress. The color is bad. The ruffles are bad. Layers? Really? And you know she has a coach and a trainer and probably a significant other and the attendants in the locker room and all of these people saw Wozniacki don this ugly dress and said nothing about it. Shame on them.

Tie break! I love tie breaks. They stress me out because every point is critical, particularly in a second set. Kuznetsova is still killing it with winners. Wozniacki's going to have to work on her serve if she wants to play with the big girls but the sassy way Woz (I can't type that name a minute longer) walked to her chair after winning the second set, amused me greatly. She has some real spunk when she puts her mind to it.

Third set. Kuz really throws her body into her swings. That's what scares me about her. She's all go, no quit in that regard. She really understands the idea of swinging through the ball. Tangent: When I was taking tennis lessons as a kid (not my choice), I had this jackass coach who always wore these really tight gym teacher shorts and velcro sneakers and he would yell at me from the other end of the court, "SWING THROUGH THE BALL," and I had no idea what he meant by that so I would just haplessly swing my racket about, just trying to make contact and his face would get redder and redder. Therapy helped with that.

This side of the draw is confusing with all the major names out of the tournament. If Kuznetsova falls, anyone can win the bracket. And here she goes, down 0-30 on her own serve. If she didn't have that ace in her arsenal, she would be royally screwed. At 15-30, Woz hit an amazing shot that Kuznetsova could not answer. I love seeing that.

Then of course we see Kuz starting to talk to herself. When she does that, you know it is the beginning of the end. Sports psychologists, take note! A new client is a-callin'.

Now, I'm going to give major props to Woz for that baseline passing shot at Deuce when it was 4-5. Brilliant play. Then Kuz replied right back. They're starting to play well enough I might forget the first two sets.

Sometimes, I listen to the commentators, and think, "I can do that, only I won't say stupid things over and over."

The airball Woz hit at 15 30 when she was up 6 5 was awesome! Kuz tried to wail on it and missed the court completely. Awesome. Then she double faults. And now, deuce. Woz tries to come to net and it was a mess. Kuz had momentum and again she missed the court. She needs a damn sports psychologist in the worst way. Then Woz hits a weak ass second serve right into the net. Sometimes, these girls make my blood pressure rise. Time for more self talk from Kuz. She is pretty rough on herself. Kuz's unforced errors are out of control.

Third set tie-breaks I don't like so much but at least the US Open isn't like the other majors and we don't have to sit here until they get to 19-17 or some abomination like that.

Kuz is having a love affair with sinking her balls into that net. She's also very... vocal. Let's all give Kuz a minute while she takes a seat on the court. My she's flexible. Now Woz is pumped. Let's see if she can FINISH it.

See what I said about that net?

SEE WHAT I SAID ABOUT THAT NET?

Honestly.

Awesome match. I was rooting for Woz.

Sad Open

2009-09-07T05:38:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! Rowan here. I’m enjoying all the US Open posts, it makes me want to post something too. So cool to see a new contributor! Welcome Roxane!

Paula was right. I am sad that Jelena lost so early. Especially after she won Cincinnati. It’s downright criminal. I’m sad about Leni too. I’m even sad about Safina, poor thing. But that’s what we get for investing so much in tennis. You lives by the watermelon, you dies by the watermelon.

Penetta v. Zvonareva - Holy Crap

2009-09-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

RR here -

I have nothing funny/stupid to say - just, here is the real deal. We saw some weird, and some just routine, matches today. But this, this is the real deal. We're watching the end of the second set - Penetta's final hold was an insane game - and now the tiebreak - GAK - what's gonna happen? Every point is just brutal, ball-whacking craziness. Penetta was up, then not, now Zvonareva's got (another) match point. COME ON FLAVIA! Whoa she got a break there - Zvonareva hit a ball long, which she has barely done. She's got another match point on her serve... here it comes... another completely f-ed up battle-ass point and Flavia finally nails it!

Is Zvonareva gonna cry?

Don't get me wrong. I would. We love Z's emotionability. Now Penetta's got a set point... BWA she got it! This is the real deal - blood and guts people. Let's see what the 3rd brings...

Wow. Zvonareva really fell off a cliff. in the 3rd Her knees? Her mind? Who knows. But Penetta hung in there. A let down after that incredible second set. But anyway, there you go. Go Penetta! Bed time for me.

RR out

Everyone Welcome our new Contributor Roxane!

2009-09-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

YEAH! Rick Rock, Rowan, and myself all want to welcome Roxane to Must Watch Tennis All The Time!! An avid fan- like the rest of us- she'll offer her own opinions, loves, confusions, irritations, amusements and hates, like we all do here. Freewheeling tennis thoughts, people! That is what is so great about tennis, and life. It brings out our own personalities, even if we are -um- not the actual tennis players.

So- here's my feedback on the two great posts by RR and Roxane. Firstly, I too was uncomfortable during that first set and watching Venus come down on that super wrapped knee. Especially when they slow moed it...OW. (I have tons of gross injuries I will bore you with later). But then, the second set- yeah, Kim made errors- but Venus started moving well. It's as if that ibuprofrin (Advil? (sp?) kicked in. I know, things can hurt, but once that adrenalin and maybe a bit of pain reliever kicks in, all is better for awhile. Kimmy had serious errors, too. Those first two sets were wierd.

And - Roxane. I TOTALLY understand your frustration for not being heard from your couch. I mean, you know what they need to do! And there they are, not listening to you. It hurts. It makes you think- since when did my telepathy stop working?? And then you think, maybe I should switch to Verizon or AT&T? Or Cable??? It's confusing. I know when I sit around mumbling on the couch to the TV, I just assume that those tiny little people inside the TV know I am the boss! Because, for one, I'm bigger than them. I mean, it's not because I've had a few cocktails and am lonely and over-involved with tennis players. It's because they don't listen to me!! If I were a really young attractive Spanish tennis player, I would listen to ME! That's right, me.

THIRD SET. Aaahhh. Just a more normal set. One break? It was a tight, tight match. I'm sad to see Venus, my favorite Williams go out, but I think it was a great great match in its own way. Two things I like about Kimmy- Number One- she has acne. I love how vulnerable that makes her. Her face has large red shiney moutain ranges on it. And also, why try to hide it? You're just gonna sweat that make-up off, right? She seems not to try to hide it. God bless her bad skin. It's like Karlovic's stutter- I love our humanness, our weaknesses, the things that make us fight in whatever little or big way- um, Kimmy's way is big- to get along in this world. And number two- she's goofy and fierce? And a mom? I guess that was like four things. Comebacks are always fun.

And lastly, when Kimmy meets up with Serena? As much as I like Kimmy, Serena, my guess is, will beat the crap out of her. Serena's focus is out of control, not to mention her game.

More soon! Night matches to come!!!

Yours Truly,
Paula

Kim Clijsters Defeats Venus Williams

2009-09-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

RR here -

WTF? We are a little behind... and just watching the Venus-Clijsters match. Kimmy gets the bagel and it's like, oh wow, look at her. Then Venus bagels back and it's like, what? What is happening here? You people are weird. So far the 3rd set is more like a normal set, closer. Wait Clijsters just got an early break in the 3rd.

P just noted how Kimmy fiercely not looks on the changeovers. like, fiercely stares not at Venus - at nothing in fact. She seems fiercer. Motherhood has made her fiercer? It's possible -she is defending her cub against a predator! In this case, Venus Williams. Who wishes to devour her cub. Because such is the harsh law of nature.

So is this going to be a match or what? P missed the second set washing her face. It was about 9 minutes. Now Kimmy is rolling, perhaps? This is a very weird match.

So yes we are behind, nobody say anything about what happens. Especially you folks on Facebook - please, don't discuss, allude to, indicate, or otherwise reveal in any way the results of matches until at least 72 hours after they are done! This is the Tivo age people!

The 3rd set is more like normal tennis. Rooting for Kim becuase of the comeback thing. I would also like to see Henin come back - it's just always interesting. The last couple of big comebacks have ended not because of tennis, but for other reasons. Davenport seemed to lose interest and decided to have another kid, and Hingis had the coke controversy and was (seemingly) like, "screw you tennis world". So will Kimmy stay with it or?

Wow! Kim won it! Feel bad for Venus, but happy fo Kim. Even she said it was a weird match. It was. Anyway GO KIM!

RR out

PINK is for Winners

2009-09-06T13:44:00.001-07:00

The V. Williams, Clijsters match confused me. My spirits were low low low after the first set and the wrap on Venus's knee makes me uncomfortable. She looks like she's in pain. The second set renewed my spirits. Clijster's game collapsed completely. I was sad for her and although Venus was still hobbling, she stepped up her play significantly. To have both players turn in doughnuts made the third set a clean slate t so I was still tense but hopeful.

That unforced error committed by Venus in the first game of the third set was horrible to watch, to have all that open court and to miss the shot so completely was bewildering. And then she did it a second time, right into the net. Her drop shot fails her far too often. She has got to get that situation under control. I was stressed the entire set because I take it all very personally. I tried to coach Venus from my couch but she completely ignored my advice. It was nice to finally see relatively consistent play from both players. While I was rooting for Williams, I am impressed by Clijster's comeback and her play in the first and third sets. That final serve of Clijsters sent a real loud message and that message was, "Come and get me, bitches."

It will be very interesting to see how she fares against Li Na and even though Williams lost, pink is still the color of winners.

Boob Squashing Shirt

2009-09-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

Oudin was wearing the exact same shirt that Safina is now. It mooshes their boobs so far down, you feel like they have the boobs of a 12 year old. It's a bit disconserting. Also, it makes me think of the former great Champion, Henin!!! NO ONE- I repeat- NO ONE- mooshed their boobs like she did.

Also, I dig this, as a shitty athlete, and if I were a better than shitty athlete, I too would want my boobs super mooshed down. Serena, whose boobs are unmooshable, does her best by wearing what looks like hospital worthy support straps, as if her boobs were crippled.

Yeah Boob talk! Boobs and TENNIS!! WOOHOO!

(PS- I hope Safina wins this match).

Yours truly,
Paula

Oudin DEFEATS Sharapova WHOAA- this is an update

2009-09-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

I am really tired because I drank too much tequila last night while watching the super hot Nadal beat that German asshat, Kiefer. I've been half assedly watching Federer and Djokovic struggle in their matches. In fact, I did not press pause while I went to eat fried pork chops, broccoli, fantastic super fresh corn on the cob bought straight from a farm in Deposit, NY and garlic bread. Aaaaah. Now I am back to tennis. Oudin and Sharapova are in the first set. The flipping match was playing on the television at the Binghamton Tennis Center while I played there today. (Beat RR in three- it was 7/6, 3/6, 6/3). When I went to use the bathroom, I did a tiny little run thing and told the girl at the desk " not watching, lalala, taping it at home" and put my hands over my ears. Now, I know she thinks I'm weird- but do I care? I do not.

Then I made the mistake of checking in on facebook. NOOOO! Murphy Jensen is my facebook friend, and he had posted something about this Oudin/Maria match..but I feel it was cryptic and/or am lying to myself and am pretending or don't actually know what happens with these ladies. Anyway, I hope I don't fall asleep before it's over. I love tennis. I drank too much and wore a nicotine patch for the first time in my life yesterday and today--well, I feel tired to say the least.

OK, Oudin's feet and shoes. Firstly, her feet are enormous. Like, a size 10? Are her feet as big as Alexa Glatch's? (Hmmm. NO.) I feel if you were to put her feet length wise in comparison to her body, they'd be up to her knees. Just a thought. Also, her shoes? They turn up at the toes like wacky Moroccan sandals worn by genies and those guys who fly around on flying carpets or like Dutch wooden shoes with those pointy upward toes thingies (Man, I sooo had a pair of those! Wooden, with little flowers painted on them! Fuck, they were uncomfortable!) Also, did any of you see that EXCELLENT King Of The Hill, where Peggy, with her size 12 feet, gets conned into doing gross big feet things for a foot fetish/ gross out webcast where her big feet smash eggs and crap? It's a brilliant episode- I highly recommend it--and Oudin's feet made me think of that episode. Also, people want to make fun her feet? She can go-- "Fuck You! I'll kick your ass at tennis, BITCH!"And that concludes my pondering Oudin's feet.

YEAHHH! I was really into Melanie winning that match!! Shit yeah! Hellz yeah! And so on. Also, I want Maria's dress. Might have to buy it.

Soon- more! Maybe more from RR.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Hi Nadal, Please Win the US Open?

2009-09-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

RR here -

Hi Nadal, please win the US Open? Could ya? Why do I care? Not sure, but nevertheless, I would be glad. Sports is weird like that. Certainly, don't lose to this Kiefer dude. If it were Anselm Keifer, at least he's like cultural with his like painting about our times and all, but this guy? No.

Oh Pammy is talking to Vilas - we saw him at his club in BA.... P is getting all fuzzy about him...

So come on Rafa - win this shit! It would be nice. Good for the game, etc. Fed and Rafa get the career slam in the same year? That would be worth a mention on Sportscenter. Regular non-tennis geek people would maybe talk about that? And, if Fed regained #1 status, and Rafa regained #2 status in the same year, that would be some super-esoteric stat for future generations to contemplate?

By the way, Patrick and John commentating together, is pretty funny. 5 seconds in, they were at each other's throats, in a brotherly way.

I keep calling Rafa "Waffleberry" in my mind, or sometimes out loud - because that is my nickname for our kitten, whose real name is "Rafa", but who I call "Wafleberry". I don't know why.

Anyway - GO WAFFLEBERRY!

RR out - cheers.

Dent defeats Navarro

2009-09-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap!
Best match.
Two guys who look alike! They both look like Damain, the son of Satan. Waiting to hear Dent say something nice about Navarro. They look alike! They both do this serve volley thing! That's cool . You are thanking the crowd, now thank your opponent.

I think Dent is not drunk all the time anymore. He's cute. He used to lose matches after wins cause of "stomach problems" slash hangovers. "Food poisoning". Also, he is grateful cause he did have real injuries. I mean no mean spiritedness to call him a drinker. I like him. I just wish he'd given his Spanish twin, Navarro, a little more love.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Murray versus Capdeville

2009-09-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

This match is interesting- and it may not remain so, when Murray starts putting the hot womp on skinny little Paul--because we saw Capdeville play- and win- The Binghamton Challenger recently! We love the Binghamton Challenger. Guccione, the Aussie was there (I think). Carston Ball. Um, lots of cool players have been there- the American Ryan Sweeting. Baghdatis showed up this year but then did not play! He's not here at the US Open, either. Poor guy. Anyway, Capdeville is a Chilean, which is the only country in all of South America which I don't get all swooney over. I am sure the country itself is gorgeous- I plan on horsebacking riding through its mountains someday-- but the male tennis players from Chile are all a but "eh". Like, Massu? He didn't sign my kids' balls at the Canada Open! He was arrogant and rude. I don't like him. And even though Fernando Gonzalez is really hot- I'd cuddle him if you know, he asked-- he has a deserved reputation of being a dick. He does that glare at you over the net, all slow and long, with his fist in the air. I've seen him do that on the backcourts in Canada. He reminds me a bit of Kiefer, personality wise.

So, Capdeville- funny last name for a Chilean, huh? (Massu is Hungarian. Nalbandian, the beloved Argentine, is part Armenian..South America is quite diverse, ethnically.) Capdeville is smaller looking than my thirteen year old. He looks quit South American, despite his last name. He has sort of bucked teeth, which I like. (I like bad teeth, um, for the most part. There are exceptions). But, like his fellow countrymen/tennis players, he exudes some dickishness. I remember years ago watching him play Ancic on TV- I forget the tournament-- and the two actually got into a pushing match! That never happens in tennis. Also, Ancic? He's three times the size of Capdeville! It was sort of funny.

OK. I'm going to drink a margarita now. More soon!

Yours Truly,
Paula

Serena Williams defeats Martinez Sanchez

2009-09-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

Well, this hasn't happened yet, but it will, is my guess. It is 5 all in the second set and Martinez Sanchez is serve and volleying! It's sort of fun. But that whole "she cheated" thing about thier match at the French makes me uncomfortable. They showed it in slow motion and it did indeed look as if she did get hit and didn't say anything. And so, I mean, yuck. I really love Spaniards and I love how she's serve and volleying but I can't get behind a cheater. Like when Gonzo did that in a match against Blake. Anyway, this is a fun, long game. Five deuces? More? Loving it.

Whoa, Martinez Sanchez looks tired. That said, the point before this? She did what everyone tells me not to do!!! She stepped back- at the net- and hit a solid forehand. Do you know that EVERYONE tells me to ONLY go foreward. But, the rules are different for professional players. Like, they are so good, they can do whatever they want! I have to listen to my frustrated pros. (Frustrated because I'm retarded and suck at tennis.)

Yours Truly,
Paula

Shvedova Defeats Jankovic

2009-09-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

WTF???!!! First Leni goes down and now JJ??!!!! It hasn't happened yet, but it looks like it might. Third set tiebreak is just started. I just had an hour long tennis nap, which I wrote about extensively here once. I would say that after actually watching tennis, my favorite thing to do is to fall asleep in front of the TV whilst tennis plays. Man, that felt good. I stayed up way too late last night, like I very often do.

I just had the thought that JJ has amazing footwork. This is a fun match! I love JJ, although not as much as Rowan, who wrote a really great thing about her here. (I love that I know how to imbed links! It makes me feel so professional!)

Oh, the mini-break here at the business end of the tie-break. I would say that both these ladies deserve to win! Whoever does win, it'll be by a split hair, or some other metaphor like that. But, rumor has it, ties don't happen in tennis.

Match point!! I like Shvedova's sunglasses and headband look. It's so retro or something. OH MAN! An ace to end it! Wow. Something smells funny. I don't know if it's my old cat or my son. Hm.

I have to say, I am not happy about JJ going out. Sorry Rowan! You must be even sadder than me.

Melanie Oudin defeats Elena Dementieva

2009-09-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

Oudin fist pumps A LOT. It sort of bugs me. It shouldn't, but it does. I like a fist pump here and there, especially on big points. But for every point? Anyway, she really wants to beat the house favorite, Leni. I like her spirit as a general thing. But we here love Leni. We are Leni lovers. I also like Maxim Afinogenov, Leni's boyfriend.

Oh no, Melanie is cramping badly! That I don't like to see. She's insanely fit, so I don't think it's a fitness thing. Stress? Man, tennis is so mental. And she's up a break here in the third! Hm. Good match. Which is good, because last night's matches bored me to tears. OK, the break back and then the break again.

I will make the observation that I often do- these ladies are good a tennis. I will add this which may sound mean - Leni is much more attractive than Oudin. But Oudin is beating her! Just goes to show, even if you are insanely gorgeous, you can lose at tennis. Like Ana losing the other evening.

I do find it exciting in some way that an American player who is not a Williams sister playing well even though I am the least patriotic person on the planet in most ways, as in I love Spanish men. And Oudin is young, which is always exciting.

OK, it's 5/2 here. Let's see what happens.

Also, FYI- Rick Rock is 201 in the ATP raquet bracket thingy at the tennis channel website. I am 421, I think.

Um, I just screamed "Come on Leni, break her!" I will be so sad if Leni is out. Match points. One saved. I feel wierd. I need to eat something. Second match point saved. Does anyone have advice on how to quit smoking? She did it! Wow. Stunning. Not as stunning as Vania King beating Stosur, but more upsetting here as we worship Leni. Wah.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Czink vs. Serena - plus random observations from a couple of nights at the Open

2009-09-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

RR here -

I have a theory that "Czink" is pronounced "Chink", not "Sink" like they are saying, but they don't want to say "Chink". That's my theory! But, I do not speak Hungarian, so I really can't prove it. Why do I even think that? Am I just trying to cause trouble? I don't know.

This match is not looking so promising...

So anyway, we were out there at the Open Monday night, together, and I was there last night. BWA! My Belorussian friend Yev went the last THREE nights so I don't feel so bad. Monday we saw Danny Hanny play Megan Shaugnessy at Louis Armstrong. Dude, there was no one there, and we rolled up nice and close. Wait did P already blog about this? Anyway, I was in heaven. Prior we got a peek at Sybille Bammer on a back court. Wow. Big, strong lady. One of her thighs is like both of mine put together. She lost to a Spaniard with skinnier thighs. Thighs alone do not decide the match, despite what Johnny Mac says.

Then we saw the night matches - we were WAYY up in the bleachers at Arther Ashe, which was weirdly exhilarating... I felt weird in a good way up there. Word of advice - hot dogs only - do NOT eat the Mexican food. Bad, bad situation.

Last night I was in a fancy corporate box, with my friend Dan. That was after seeing Ivanovic through set 1 and up a break in set 2, at Louis Armstrong, again way up close because no one was there? The reason she lost, is because Dan left at that point, and she was heartbroken - that's what Dan said anyway.

Poor Chink - she is getting steamrolled. We are going twice next week too...

RR out

Vania King defeats Samantha Stosur???

2009-09-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

Um, what? I find this incomprehensible. Was the American crowd nasty to Stosur? Did Stosur have a serious illness, like diarreah or cancer? I am flabber gasted. I wanted Stosur to go deep. I say "go deep" because I think she has special lesbian powers that involve going deep (see deep lesbian power post). Anyway, that's sad she lost.

On a positive note, Pennetta KICKED ass! Woohoo! I love her, even if she is no longer with Moya. The fact that she ever had sex with Moya makes her shrine worthy. Like, I would like to touch her arm, since he touched her, you know? I might try next time I see her. Also, KIMMY won!!!!!! I love Kimmy.

Yours Truly,
Paula

Gasquet French Kissed a Girl Seven Times and She Had Cocaine on Her Tongue???

2009-09-02T12:44:00.001-07:00

Or something like that. Of course, my predominant reaction to this bit of news was-- he kissed HER?? What was her name again? Why not MEEEE!!!!???? I got really jealous. Like, all red in the face and heart pumping. Then I got excited just thinking about Gasquet kissing someone. Thinking about it made me all...desperate for love.

Yours Truly,
Paula